Confused-Marriage

[F.Salma]

Hi All,

I honestly couldn't decide what title justify my marriage life as I am super confused.
I have been married for 7 years, and almost over a decade that " I think" I was in relationship with my current husband. Never dated anyone else in my life, started this relationship right after high school Then it became a long-distance relationship as I moved to US and boyfriend stayed overseas. But I always felt the commitment and love to stay in this relationship, he portraited himself the most respectful and most loving man. I didn’t want anything in life but having him as my husband and his decision was so firm, getting married. My family was not happy, but they respected my decision and we got married. From the first day of marriage that we walked into the court room, he started insulting me, arguing with me, disrespecting me until today. His argument is/was “I am not ready…” then he kept changing his words to “sorry that I hurt you, I am bit confused in life but of course I wanted to marry you” I was never bullied when I was young I always thought I am beautiful and carried huge pride “being strong and educated woman” and had so much self-confidence. Living with him, was a mirror to my ugliness from my acne scars to my not perfect teeth and sometimes being bullied for having bad breath. I ignored, and it didn’t break me I continued living with him with our daughter as he was traveling most of the times and I was left alone with our daughter. I tried to adjust myself to his way of living. In the past few years, any arguments we have he keeps remind me that he will leave me, he will divorce me, he keeps sending all these links and websites for divorce. The arguments are over something very small or a normal husband and wife argument … I guess!! Mostly over the sharing responsibilities, since he is away and when he is back I want him to share some responsibilities as I am also full time working mom. Maybe I get tired and I overact, but I do apologize him.Honestly this is too much now all my friends and family think I am too good for him. Everyone knows his uncertain personality! Basically, this marriage was not a reminder of happy of living, but it started as let’s get married to get divorced. Anything happens to his life, from losing his job to changing his lifestyle I am being blamed. I never every stopped him from work overseas he has been working ever since we got married, he mostly lived there. He got his higher education from different state in the US because it was his dream university and now his overseas job is having dream title the “Director/CEO”. I am so feed up I don’t know how to process, I can’t talk to him he never listens. He is always accusing me and starts ugly fight “screaming, cursing….” I am not the 16 year old girl anymore, I am a mom and I would love to hear from other moms. This feels so weird yet great to write this note. Sorry if it is too long!!!
thanks!

[Vivian]

I'm not a counselor, but in my nonprofessional opinion, that depends. If your spouse makes a habit of saying hurtful things to you regardless of whether he is angry or you are fighting, then this is problematic because it shows a pattern of cruelty or a lack of empathy. If he is saying mean things just to hurt you without any regard for your feelings and the relationship is constantly toxic, then I'd want to see some changes before I make any long term commitment.

With that said, it's extremely common for both people to say some pretty awful things in the middle of a fight or during a separation. Emotions can be incredibly high. Both spouses can say things that they deeply regret and are incredibly embarrassed and remorseful about later. I know that this was the case during my own separation. We both said really regretful things to one another. I wish I could take them back, but I can't. Your husband may feel this way also. It really does come down to a question of whether the hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment or whether it is your husband's typical habit to be hurtful or verbally abusive. There is a difference between a couple who has a regrettable fight and trades hurtful insults and a marriage where one spouse is constantly belittling the other for sport. If you can't decide which category your marriage falls into, I'd suggest asking a counselor or neutral third party. Sometimes, we get so close to our situation that we can't see it objectively anymore.

If you decide that your husband's words were due to the situation instead of intentionally meant to hurt you, then I can tell you that it's possible to move beyond hurtful interactions. My husband and I were truly brutal one another at times during our separation. And I was just as guilty as he was. I was so hurt that he was moving out that I was deliberately cruel because I was just trying to get a reaction out of him. Ultimately though, I made a decision to let go of any anger I had about these conversations because I wanted to move on. I decided to use the conversations to draw a line in the sand to define the type of marriage that I no longer wanted. Sure, no one can get through life without ever saying something in anger to their spouse, but with effort and in time, you can improve your marriage so that more words are said in happiness than in anger.

When your marriage is back on track and you are feeling loving and protective of your spouse again, those types of hurtful conversations usually don't surface very often. If the conversations are bothering you, then you can certainly ask for clarification when things calm down and when you are back on solid ground. It would be fair to ask if he really has an issue with your weight or demeanor, but I'd suspect that if you have this conversation when things are better (or you've reconciled) he will say that he only said those things because he was angry at the time.

But to answer the original question, you save your marriage in this scenario by asking yourself what your husband's intentions were. Once you're satisfied that these hurtful remarks aren't a habit, then you work on yourself first and then on your marriage as things calm down and you are able to do so. I know that things seem immediate and explosive now, but as time moves on, things tend to calm down so that you can communicate in more productive ways and without hurting one another.

[Richard]

Couples who have been married for one or more years will definitely run into their share of problems and disagreements. In fact, arguing is a normal and healthy part of human communication between husband and wife.

When couples are not even able to argue in order to work out their differences, that is when things have reached an unhealthy state. And, when even the idea of arguing makes one person in the relationship so uncomfortable that they threaten to leave the relationship, the situation is extremely unstable and needs to be addressed.

If you find yourself saying, "My husband threatens to leave when we argue," here are 5 tips for what to do:

1. Acknowledge to yourself that there is a serious problem in your relationship:

If your husband threatens to leave you when you argue, it is a sign that something is seriously wrong with your relationship. There could be a whole range of possible reasons why he may be acting this way. Some of the possible reasons are:

a. he was raised in a family where arguing openly was not allowed, so he feels extremely uncomfortable when there is a perceived lack of harmony in your household

b. he is afraid of what he may say or do if he gets angry

c. he has something to hide and fears that an argument may cause him to admit it

d. he is looking for a reason to leave you, but lacks the courage to do so without an "excuse"

2. Decide what would need to happen for you to want to stay with your husband:

Obviously, the current situation is not a healthy one for either of you. But before you figure out whether you can learn to communicate with your husband effectively, it is very important that you come to terms with your real feelings about the relationship. If you are not willing to put up with his behavior the way it is now, what would need to change for you to want to stay in your marriage - if anything?

3. Find out if he is having an affair or likes someone else:

One possibility is that your husband has something hide from you (see "c" above), such as an affair. Do what you can to verify whether he may be cheating on you.

4. Start a dialogue with him at a moment when you are not arguing:

Regardless of your answers to the above questions, it is important that you find a way to start a healthy dialogue with your husband. Find a moment when you are not arguing and things are going well. Bring up in a calm voice whatever your issues may be. Avoid any language that sounds like you are blaming or accusing him of anything.

5. Focus on your feelings, but avoid saying what he should do or nagging him:

Put your focus on expressing your feelings to him. This should not be about telling him what he should say or do - doing so will only put him on the defensive. Start sentences with "I feel... ".

If you believe there may be hope for getting past this very difficult point in your marriage, seek out resources that can help you repair the love and save your marriage.

[lindatan]

Hi there,

Love is all where it started. That is the first reason why you got married. I believe your husband felt this too. Upon reading your story. There is something wrong with how you both went through this relationship. Something is missing, and that missing part may be the one you both should focus on.

There are two things to choose first before planning what to do. Ask yourself.
1. Do I still want to continue with this marriage?
2. Do I just want to end this marriage?

If you choose number one, you will have to insist and do everything you can to have a one whole day talk with him. That would be only you and him.
I suggest in a different place. And the first thing to ask him, well if I were on our shoe, will do YOU STILL LOVE ME?
The rest of the questions or discussion will depend on how he responds

Find the issue, the problem, how to solve and where to start.
But if his response makes you feel there is no more LOVE. Then you cannot do anything anymore about it.
Feelings are really hard to control and will only give you more nightmares if not set free.

If you choose number two, which is easier to manage, you still need to talk to your husband.
As respect to show that the situation is drowning your happiness.
Again the results will depend on how the discussion goes.

This is not easy. There are harder situations compared to yours, which was resolved,
But before doing this, manage yourself first. Take a walk alone or dine alone or whatever.
Ask yourself, heal yourself, love yourself before facing him with the serious one time talk.

I hope this helps.

GOD BLESS

[ChosenLast]

I think (from my perspective) this is the perfect place for you to start addressing your situation. “Honestly this is too much now all my friends and family think I am too good for him. Everyone knows his uncertain personality!” - and by “start addressing your situation”, I mean, stop talking to your family and friends about your husband this way. And if you don’t, then it’s your job to make sure they do not feel this way about your husband. You will accomplish nothing by badmouthing your husband to friends and family and will only exacerbate the situation because friends and family will blindly support you and blindly mimic your emotional comments to support you at the time. This area is best left knowing about the situation after it’s ended or not at all. The sanctity of marriage is supposed to trump all. When it doesn’t, you’re doing a disservice not only to your friends, family and husband but to yourself. Granted, the entire situation could be his to own but to know that for sure it needs to be evaluated by yourself and your husband alone...and maybe a counselor, but nobody else. The only thing that will come from talking to friends and family will be a divorce that you might want...or very well, might not want. I’d start with eliminating this and focusing on giving your marriage your all and talking to your husband....men are big dumb creatures at times and at times we too get caught up in all that life throws at us and just need to be regrounded so our temporary lapse of priorities can get to were they should be before they cause irreconcilable damage to what truly matters. If you love, have faith and love with all you have. If you get hurt while loving, it’ll be painful but the result will be true.

[jeevanrahi]

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