10 year anniversary last on the list

[Chward21]

As usual, there is a lot to this story, but I will try to provide as much detail as possible while also keeping this short and to the point. I have been married to my wife for 10 years and like any couple we have our ups and downs. We have 2 kids, ages 7 and 9. My wife is close to my family(father and step mom) and I am fairly close to hers(mother, father, sister and brother). I say fairly close because all but her father live overseas and we generally see the rest once per year. Regardless of the distance, we all get along pretty well.

I am very sensitive to the fact that my wife’s family lives overseas and that she does not get to see them often(her dad she sees weekly). As a result, I understand that by living in the states with me, she is putting me before her family. Therefore if she wants to go visit them I never say no(obviously as long as we can afford it). As a result she visits them once per year and they come to visit us once per year. Each trip averages 2-4 weeks(yes her family stays at our house). I do this with no regrets, because it is the right thing to do.

The above situation is why I am struggling so hard with this recent scenario. Two years ago, my mom passed away. Due to some legal issues we had to hold on to her house longer than expected. For almost 2 years I paid for both mine and my mother’s mortgage so as not to lose her house. This really put our family in a difficult financial situation. Despite this situation we were smart with our money and able to put aside enough to go on a trip for our 10 year anniversary(scheduled for this year). We originally planned on going to the Caribbean, but decided that Florida was the more affordable and responsible decision. I didn’t care where, I just wanted to celebrate. This trip meant a lot to me. Number one because it was our 10 year anniversary, and number 2 because we have 2 young kids and very rarely(never) get a chance to get away alone together.

This year her mom came to visit(stayed for 1 month and went on a week long trip away with my wife) and wanted the family to meet her in Europe for her 70^thbirthday. At the same time her sister was moving to Texas and wanted us to come help her look at houses. I was pretty clear with my wife that we would not be able to afford more than 1 trip this year. She asked if she could go to Europe with her mom since it was her 70^th(2 weeks). Her mom was paying for flights so it would not be that expensive. I was okay with this because we would still have money left over for a simple anniversary trip. She then proceeded to buy a ticket to see her sister in Texas (2 weeks) with no consultation. The two trips were 1 month apart. I was dumbfounded. I get that she never gets to see her family but it really hurts that our anniversary was shoved aside in order for her to go on a home buying trip and I was never given the chance to discuss. Had she said “can we do our anniversary next year” so that I can see my family, I probably would have said yes. Instead she booked a trip without a conversation and to top it off has not mentioned our anniversary since. When I brought it up she was surprised. The day came and went as she hung out with her sister in Texas. I’m struggling with this and have become resentful. Because of our money situation I have cancelled my 10 year anniversary trip, a yearly trip to Seattle, while she has been to Texas, Europe and a week-long trip with her mom on the Cape. I’m not a person who keeps scorecards so this is why I am struggling with my resentment. I hate feeling this way, but at the moment I don’t feel as if the anniversary is valued.

As I mentioned there is more to this story. This is not the first time a situation like this has occurred. Each time I have rationalized it away because “it’s family”. But the anniversary really hit me hard. I have made a lot of sacrifices I have made over the last two years and not feeling very valued. Not sure how to handle this. Are my feelings valid?

[Scot]

Not sure how to handle this. Are my feelings valid?

You feelings are absolutely valid because she didn't do the right thing. I think she was trying to please are mom and sister, but forgetting you will be hurt as a result of this.

However, this best way to deal with a situation like this is to talk to your wife about it. So, when she returns from her trip to Texas, sit her down and tell how feel about everything she has done.

[Anthonia]

When we first feel anger, it can be helpful to us. Anger can keep us from getting depressed. It allows us to recognize when someone has wronged us. It helps us to learn about ourselves. Anger helps us to learn where to draw boundaries. If my neighbor does something and I get angry, then I need to say something. I suggest calming down first, but some of us need a bit of anger in order to have the courage to say anything. If we speak in anger, we need to be careful to not hurt someone else. Anger is a tricky emotion that way. We are responsible for our actions in anger. Therefore, we may want to calm down by using a tool such as slowly counting to 10 before speaking to anyone. Anger wants to be expressed. There are many safe ways to express anger. You can write about it, draw or paint. I painted an ugly picture when I was angry with my mother, for example. I still have it, to remind me that my anger was okay. I shared my anger with friends. I can share my anger with a life coach. What does your anger want to say? So step one of this process is acknowledging our anger and letting it have its say in a safe manner.

Forgiveness

Step two is dealing with our resentments that we have. We deal with resentments by forgiving. What is the benefit of forgiving? What do we have to gain by forgiving someone? I believe that this release clears our soul of the festering bacteria of resentment that are eating away at it. We then receive a new, clean, fresh life! We release the burden of these negative thoughts. I also believe in positive thinking. So releasing these negative thoughts of "indignation" clears out negativity from our minds, which frees us up to think more positive thoughts. Additionally, in some cases, relationships can be restored. Not always, but sometimes.

What is Holding You Back From Forgiving?

Could it be, like me, you want the person who wronged you to suffer a bit longer for what they have done? This is not about them, it's about you and your new freedom. Could it be that you don't want to let them "off the hook?" It's not up to us to judge them. We are not God. Plus, forgiving them doesn't mean that we agree with what they have done. Could it be that you, like me, want to hold on to your story a bit longer? Do you want to be able to tell it a bit more? Is it worth it, really? Do you have other reasons to not forgive? Perhaps you feel like yours is a special case. People have forgiven murderers of family members and found the freedom that it brings and released the burden of resentment. It's up to you. It's your choice. You can conquer your mind and conquer your life by forgiving.