Complicated

[SC88]

I'm married & have been for 13 years now.

My personality -quiet type, home body, loyal to my partner, full of emotions & can be sensitive.

Husband -Outgoing, has many friends, can be quite cold, loves attention.

There's been a few scenarios where we would argue about my partner & getting involved with other women. He says I am being too sensitive, he could be right, but my gut instincts tell me otherwise.

I doubt myself - as in maybe, as these things keep happening, I'm becoming more and more sensitive to the point I am insecure.

Eg: he'd receive an SMS 'I wish you were here swimming with me'

Or receiving SMS from girls at like 12am sharp wishing him a happy birthday.

There was a moment we went camping with his friend & the wife,couple date. Got drunk to the point everyone passed out except my husband who kept hugging the wife & said she's his (as a joke), giving her cheek kisses, spooning her etc. I get they're all highschool friends but felt wrong. Especially being drunk..

I confronted him the next day about it & he apologized.

Years go by & we all catch up again, this time, at theirs. Once again we get drunk, I was about to sleep but when I noticed hubby wasn't sleeping next to me, I walked out to find he was ontop of her, nothing physically happened but it almost looked like things were getting there.

There were a few other things that had happened which I cannot find normal, however I feel these actions have accrued & is making me drown in disappointment.

I almost don't know myself anymore; I am unsure if I still love my husband, who is also the father to our two boys.

So hubby & I rented out one of our bedrooms to a young male professional. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago so quite broken.

Hubby goes to bed early for next morning work commitments so our flatmate & I would grab a beer & chat on the sofa, talking about his relationship etc. We ended up talking for like 4 hrs that night. He's 9 years younger than me so my advice etc I think helped.

We got pretty close, chat on insta, chat on whatsapp etc.

The other night, again, hubby goes to bed & us two are left talking about anything for about two hours until hubby walks in & asks what we're doing.

The next day, hubby cracks it at me.. saying these late night chats are not right & he's got a thing for me.. It makes me wonder if he does - I kept saying it is not possible but our flatmate did say some things that made hubby think - eg: flatmate would say things like - I want to date an older woman now, someone up to 10 years older is fine etc. Or that his ex was immature & they just did not click. Though him & I would talk for hours... My instincts also tell me he'd let out subtle touches naturally, the eye contact etc. Now makes me think it might be true.

It is now complicated in the house.

After arguing about him with my hubby, I feel he now knows what happened. That hubby isn't happy. I joked & said we had an argument & he straight away says 'I know' - I think he knows we argued about him.. He seems to keep a distance now but hubby & I are still broken from various things other than just this.. Not sure how to handle this situation or if I need to step back from everything & let things settle. Since it is all happening in the house, it is hard to escape the situation.

[Dennis]

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time in your marriage, and I'm here to offer some guidance and support as you navigate these challenges. It's clear that you're feeling overwhelmed by a mix of emotions, uncertainty, and doubts about your relationship with your husband, especially given the recent incidents involving other women and now the complicated situation with your flatmate.

First and foremost, it's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. It's completely normal to feel hurt, confused, and even betrayed when your partner's actions trigger insecurities and doubts in your mind. Trusting your instincts and emotions is crucial in any relationship, as they often serve as important signals that something may be amiss.

Let's address the incidents involving other women first. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable and upset when your husband's actions, such as receiving intimate messages or engaging in questionable behavior while drunk, cross boundaries and undermine your trust. While your husband may dismiss your concerns as sensitivity, it's essential to communicate openly and honestly with him about how his actions make you feel. Expressing your feelings calmly and assertively can help him understand the impact of his behavior on you and the relationship.

It's positive that your husband apologized after the camping incident, but it's also essential for both of you to address the underlying issues that led to such behavior. Setting clear boundaries and mutually respecting each other's feelings and boundaries is vital for rebuilding trust and ensuring the health of your relationship.

Now, regarding your relationship with your flatmate, it's understandable that the dynamics in the house have become more complicated given the late-night chats and your husband's concerns. While it's essential to consider your husband's feelings and boundaries, it's also crucial to assess your own feelings and intentions regarding your interactions with your flatmate. Reflecting on whether there are any underlying emotional connections or boundaries being crossed can help you gain clarity on the situation.

Communication is key in navigating these complex dynamics. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about his concerns regarding your relationship with the flatmate. Reassure him of your commitment to your marriage and address any misconceptions or misunderstandings that may have arisen. Similarly, consider having a candid conversation with your flatmate about boundaries and maintaining a respectful relationship, especially given the current tensions in the household.

It's also essential to take care of yourself amidst these challenging circumstances. Allow yourself the space and time to process your emotions and prioritize self-care activities that help you feel grounded and supported. Whether it's engaging in hobbies, spending time with loved ones, or seeking solace in moments of quiet reflection, taking care of your emotional well-being is crucial during times of uncertainty and upheaval.

Ultimately, navigating these challenges will require patience, understanding, and a willingness to address underlying issues within your marriage. While it may feel daunting, remember that seeking support and guidance, whether through counseling, self-help resources, or trusted confidants, can provide valuable insights and perspectives as you work towards finding resolution and healing in your relationship. You deserve to feel loved, valued, and respected in your marriage, and it's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being as you navigate this journey.

[Vivian]

I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. It's clear that you're experiencing a lot of uncertainty and pain in your relationship with your husband, and it's important to address these issues in a way that honors your emotions and respects your boundaries.

First of all, I want to commend you for being open and honest about your feelings. It takes a lot of courage to confront difficult situations, especially when it involves questioning the dynamics of your marriage. Your loyalty and commitment to your partner are evident, but it's also essential to prioritize your own emotional well-being.

From what you've shared, it seems like there have been instances where your husband's behavior has caused you distress and discomfort. It's understandable that receiving messages from other women or witnessing questionable interactions during social gatherings would trigger feelings of insecurity and doubt. Trust your instincts; they are often a reliable guide when something feels off in a relationship.

Communication is key in any relationship, and it's crucial to have open and honest conversations with your husband about your concerns. Express how his actions make you feel and the impact they have on your trust and confidence in the relationship. It's essential to approach these discussions with empathy and understanding, but also assertiveness in advocating for your emotional needs.

When it comes to your interactions with your flatmate, it's important to set clear boundaries to avoid any further complications. While it's natural to form connections with others, especially in shared living spaces, it's crucial to maintain appropriate boundaries to protect the integrity of your marriage. It might be helpful to limit one-on-one interactions with your flatmate, especially late at night, to avoid any misunderstandings or potential conflicts with your husband.

Regarding your feelings towards your husband and the state of your marriage, it's normal to question your emotions and the future of your relationship, especially when faced with ongoing challenges. Take some time to reflect on what you truly want and need in your life and your partnership. Consider seeking individual counseling or therapy to explore your feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and emotionally fulfilled. Trust yourself and your instincts, and don't hesitate to reach out for support if you need it. You are not alone, and there are resources and options available to help you navigate through this difficult time. Take care of yourself, and remember that your well-being is paramount.