Am I being selfish?

[4thtwin]

I'm new to these forums so I hope you guys can help me. I'm a married male, 54 years old. My wife is 52 years old. I come from a large family, 6 other siblings. My wife is one of 4 girls, 1 sister deceased and one mentally challenged and non-verbal so it's just her and one other sister. Her and her sister don't really talk much whereas me and my siblings are always in constant contact. We still gather every Sun for big Sunday dinners. Both of our parents are still alive. A number of years ago my dad bought a brand new truck upon his retirement from working. He had always said that when he stopped driving he was going to give his truck to one of my sisters. A few years back his health caused him to stop driving so he gave his truck to my sister. Of the 7 of us all but 2 drive. I'm the youngest, btw. My sister took the truck and there was nothing else said about it. No arguing or fussing because that's what dad had said he was going to do. My sister already had her own car so now she has 2. Anyway, right now my three other brothers all still live at the family home for whatever reason. However, when mom needs somet6hing done she always calls me and I make no hesitation to drive over to the house to do what she asks. It could be something as simple as replacing the batteries in my dad's watch or his TV remote. It could be my mom needs to go to the store and she just doesn't want to drive herself. We all do things for our parents but I'm usually the one they call the most. Anyway, a bunch of years ago mom bought her dream car, a brand new Honda Accord. She cherished that car. She's a Honda person. Earlier this year she wrecked and totaled it. She called me and I handled all the insurance things for her and even handled replacing the car for her. When she totaled it it only had like 85k original miles on it. Yeah, she rarely drove it. Anyway, once everything was settled with the insurance company and she received a really nice settlement for it me and a few of my siblings decided that they didn't need to worry about trying to pay for another brand new car given their age. Dad is mid 80s now and mom just recently turned 80. So I took on the job of finding mom a eally nice newer Honda Accord with all the bells and whistles. She loved it. Took the settlement money and paid for it outright. While I was doing my search I would show my wife a few of the cars I was looking at. Here's the thing with my wife. You can show her things but since it won't be for her she has zero interest in it. I narrowed my search down to one Honda and me and my wife went to the car lot to talk to the uy about it. I test drove it and my wife was in the car. Me and the salesman both asked her if she wanted to take it around the block and she said no. I took my mom back a few days later to look at it and she loved it. Purchase made and we took the car home, well mom took it home.

I was speaking with mom a few months ago and I asked her, "hey mom, what are your plans with the car once you are no longer able to drive?" I'm not foolish to think my mom will live forever so I told her that when she's done with it could I have it. She said sure because I was so helpful with her in handling the wreck and dealing with her insurance company on the settlement and even replacing her old car. In speaking with another sister and I told her mom was giving me her car when she either is no longer able to drive or she passes away my sister told me that since I helped so much with it I was the only one who deserved it. Of my siblings who drive, this sister is married and they already have 4 cars in their driveway. My oldest sister is also married and they too are a multi car family. Then there's the one sister who isn't married but got dad's truck so she now has 2 vehicles. The one brother who drives only has the one car. He's no longer married.

Here's the reason for my questions. My wife and I each have our own vehicles. She drives hers and I drive mine. Remember, back when I was working on replacing mom's car she had little to no interest in it since the car wasn't going to be hers. When I came home and told her that I would be getting mom's car under one of two circumstances she got very excited. She was all giddy like a school girl saying how she can't wait to drive that car. Wait a minute! When we were are the car lot looking at it and both me and the salesman asked if you wanted to take it around the block you politely declined, but now knowing it's going to be sitting in our driveway at some point now you want to get all excited about it. She was saying she can't wait to drive it and get a key to it. I don't want to come across as being selfish or anything but mom is not giving the car to "us" she is giving it to "me". And I know how my mom was with her prior car. It remained spotless. When she would drive it and park it she kept a little whisk broom down in the door pocket to sweep out any dirt or gravel your shoes may have brought in. Again, when she wrecked it some 20+ years later it only had 85k miles on it. I told my wife this will be my car and now our car. No, it's not a classic corvette or mustang nor is it an expensive luxury car or anything like that. It's just a 2009 Honda Accord but this is / was my mom's car and I want to make sure I take care of it like she did. My wife is now even demanding a key to it. I told her this will not be an everyday driver car. Just like my sister with dad's truck I plan to do this car the same way. I'll drive my SUV a week while the Honda stays parked then alternate to the Honda the next week. Yeah, we may drive it sometimes on the weekend out running errands but this will not be a car my wife walks outside and decides which one she wants to drive that day, her Nissan or the Honda. A number of years ago we had an argument because she got up and was about to leave for work and she asked me if she could take my car to work that day. This was a few cars before I got my SUV. I looked at her and asked was there something wrong with her car. She said "no, I just want to drive something different that day." Needless to say she drove her own car to work that day.

Again, I do not want to come across as selfish because we are a married couple but I just believe that not everything is "ours". If someone gives her something I don't claim it as my own or just take or use whatever she has. They gave it to her not us. Now here me well, I'm not saying she can never drive the Honda but I do not plan to just throw her a key and say "take it whenever you like." How do I get her to understand that this is not a shared item? I don't just walk outside and take her car because I don't want to drive mine. And neither does she. Since I've had my SUV, which has been about 4+ years now, she's probably driven it less than 10 times and I'm being very generous. In your honest opinion, am I being selfish to tell my wife you will not just take mom's car and use it as your personal vehicle. Not saying you have to ask permission to drive it but unless there's something wrong with the car you went to the dealership and picked out and the one you're making payments on why do you feel the need to just drive the Honda, because you can? If you have to ask somebody can you do something then that means it's not yours to just take, right? Am I wrong here?

[Malvin]

I completely understand your dilemma, and it's not uncommon for situations like this to arise in a marriage. It's important to strike a balance between individual ownership and shared responsibilities in a relationship. Let's break down the situation and discuss some possible solutions to help you and your wife navigate this.

First, it's clear that your relationship with your mom and siblings is unique when it comes to family vehicles. Your willingness to help your parents and siblings is admirable, and your mom's decision to gift you her Honda Accord is a testament to your support. However, your wife's excitement about driving the car can be a source of tension.

Open and honest communication is key. Have a calm and sincere conversation with your wife about your feelings regarding the car. Explain to her the sentimental value attached to it and your intention to preserve it in a way that respects your mom's careful maintenance. You can share your concerns about the car's condition and why you want to handle its usage thoughtfully. Make sure she understands that it's not about excluding her but about maintaining a respectful approach to this gift.

It might help to outline a clear plan for sharing the car. Since you mentioned that you already have your own vehicle, suggest a schedule for when you each can use the Honda. This could include specific days or weeks when it's your turn to drive it. This way, you establish a fair system and ensure the car doesn't become a source of contention.

Additionally, encourage her to appreciate the sentimental value and the connection it holds to your family. Share stories about your mom's dedication to keeping her previous car in pristine condition and the memories associated with it. The more your wife understands the emotional attachment, the more likely she is to respect your wish to maintain the car's condition.

It might also be a good idea to create a set of guidelines for using the car. These could include no eating or drinking inside it, regular maintenance checks, and keeping it clean. These guidelines will not only ensure the car stays in good shape but also make the boundaries clear.

Remember, marriage is all about compromise. While you are justified in your desire to keep the car in good condition, it's essential to acknowledge your wife's excitement and desire to share in this gift. Perhaps there could be certain exceptions, like special occasions or weekend outings when she can enjoy driving the Honda. Make sure she knows that your decision isn't about keeping her from using the car entirely but about respecting your mom's wishes and maintaining the vehicle's value.

It's also worth discussing the prospect of your wife having her own special sentimental item within the family that she could cherish. This could help her relate to your perspective and the significance of the Honda.

In the end, the key is finding a compromise that honors both your attachment to the car and your wife's desire to use it. It's an opportunity for your relationship to grow and become even stronger through understanding and finding a middle ground.

Remember, you're not being selfish; you're just trying to respect your mom's wishes and preserve something that has sentimental value to you. As long as you approach this conversation with empathy, understanding, and an open heart, you can work through this issue as a team and strengthen your marriage.

[Vivian]

I totally understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate your concern about the situation with your mom's car. It's not uncommon for these kinds of family dynamics to come into play when valuable assets are involved. Let me share some thoughts and possible solutions that might help you and your wife navigate this situation while maintaining a harmonious relationship.

First and foremost, it's essential to acknowledge the sentimental value of your mom's car to you. This 2009 Honda Accord represents not just a vehicle but a cherished memory of your mother's dream car. It's natural to want to honor her by taking good care of it, and that's a heartfelt gesture.

Your wife's initial disinterest in the car when you were looking at it on behalf of your mother is understandable. People often have varying degrees of attachment to possessions, and she might not have realized how important this car would become to you.

However, her sudden excitement about driving the Honda can also be understood. Sometimes, knowing that something will soon be a part of your life can change your perspective. It might have sparked her interest, and she may genuinely want to share this experience with you.

Now, let's address your concerns. You are absolutely right in wanting to maintain boundaries when it comes to personal possessions. It's perfectly reasonable to want to ensure that the car remains in the best possible condition and doesn't become a daily driver for your wife.

To communicate this effectively with your wife, it's crucial to have an open and honest conversation. Start by expressing your gratitude for her support and understanding of your attachment to the car. Explain your intention to care for it like your mother did and your desire to preserve its value and memory.

You can also emphasize that you're not trying to exclude her entirely from using the car but that you'd like to establish some guidelines for its use. Suggest a mutually agreed-upon schedule for when you'll use it and when she can have access. This way, you can ensure that it's available for your mom's use if necessary and that it doesn't become a daily driver for your wife.

Another consideration could be setting some basic rules, such as no long commutes or using it only for specific errands rather than routine trips. This way, you can strike a balance between preserving the car's condition and allowing your wife to enjoy it occasionally.

Remember, the key to resolving this issue is communication and compromise. Listen to your wife's perspective, and try to understand her point of view as well. Finding a middle ground that respects your attachment to the car while accommodating her interest in it is the best way to approach this situation.

Lastly, it might be helpful to remind yourselves that material possessions are just that—possessions. While they can hold sentimental value, they should not come between your relationship. Keep the lines of communication open, and approach this issue with empathy and understanding for each other's feelings. In the grand scheme of things, your relationship and the love you share are far more valuable than any car.

I hope these suggestions help you navigate this situation and maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your wife. Remember, it's all about finding a balance and ensuring that both of you feel heard and respected in this matter.