The quick rundown: I'm that typical guy in an amazing marriage that's perfect besides the sex life. Her libido is very low. I made sure my needs for sex were clear before we got engaged, since it's such a big part of my happiness and mental health. She was completely on board back then. Now not so much. We've talked and even fought about it many times. I've brought it up many times, always in the best way I can. I've explained how much it impacts me day to day - not feeling desired, not having that release, how it causes me to be distracted and restless throughout my day, how it makes me think about sex all day and lust after others when it's not there. But it's a deep, fundamental, basic need of mine - frequent sex. It's the one thing I ask for in the relationship, and I do everything I can to make sure she feels valued, loved, sexy, etc - I tell her every day that she's the most beautiful or sexiest woman in the world, talk to her about her day, tell her I love her multiple times a day, buy her a new boquet of flowers every single week for years, plan elaborate suprises for birthdays and the like, etc. Do everything I can think of to make her feel valued, and repeatedly make it known that the one thing I need in the relationship is a healthy sex life. Been a problem for three years now. And to get to the dark, shameful part: recently went on a trip with a friend who's female. She came onto me hard - skinny dipped during a hike, constantly offered massages, etc. One night after several beers and after I'd taken my sleeping pill I awoke from a light sleep to find her on top of me, nude, kissing my neck and grinding against me. I reflexively grabbed her hips and breasts, and felt her "down there." I never kissed her and certainly didn't have sex, but was so turned on I came. I have no desire to actually cheat on my wife but I was so, so incredibly turned on having this gorgeous woman on me who actually WANTED me, after years of just wanting to feel that same sexual desire from my wife. Not having it makes me feel ugly, inadequate, etc. So here's the two questions: 1) What should I do, in general? and 2) Should I tell my wife about the encounter with the friend? I'd love to hear from people who also have very high sex drives, as I promise anyone who doesn't won't truly understand what this is like at all.
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Discordant sexual desire and all the issues that arise from it...
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Originally posted by nerdyfunShould I tell my wife about the encounter with the friend?
Originally posted by nerdyfunWhat should I do, in general?
Now that don't mean run out and get divorced. If you love your partner, you owe it to yourself and to her to at least try to make it work.
I tried my self, but I finally got wise and realized that I was not the problem, my mate was. I also realized that no amount of trying to please her was going to work. That was like trying to get the salmon to stop swimming up stream.
The fact is, when you are dating you have sex several times a week. But when you get married, it can go to once a week to once a month to once a year. And that just isn't going to work.
It's damaging to your ego, whether you're male or female. You deserve better. Your wife quits wearing make up, and starts wearing a dirty ball cap.
She quits dressing attractively for you. Instead of sexy negligees, you get flannel pajamas, instead of skimpy panties, you get granny bloomers, and that sweet perfume has become the smell of old sweat. And we don't want our wife smelling like a men's locker room.
And if that's not enough tight jeans turns into baggy sweat pants, and tight shorts are traded in for baggie Bermudas, and halter tops become sweat shirts or t shirts 3 sizes too big. Dressed like this you can't even tell that she has a figure, or even if she's a woman.
That cleavage she once sported for you has turned into Clever, like in June. But even June Cleaver stuck by her man, that's how she got Wally and the Beav.
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My opinion is it is never too early to get help when it comes to marital problems and especially sex because a good sex life is like greasing the gears of a marriage; everything runs smoother.
The earlier you tackle the issue the easier it will be and the only way to get to the bottom of a loss of attraction is to communicate about it. You can guess and try to take action on your hunch but if you are wrong or off the mark this can make your partner feel like you do not really understand at all.
A few sexless marriage help tips for communication are:
1. About Them
While you may be sexually frustrated, angry and humiliated by your spouse and supposed lovers refusal to engage in something that is good for both of you, make sure you do not focus on this at all. Always talk about them and their issues that turns them off. This can be as simple as boredom with the routine which can be quickly fixed to something as complex as depression or physical changes in hormones or other problems down there. Make sure you never beg, complain or demand. Remember it is your lover than has the problem not you so you need to help them not force them.
2. Take it Slow
While you may want them to snap out of whatever issue they have this is usually not going to happen. Rekindling the fires of passion can take a lot of stoking what may seem to be ashes until they eventually burst into flame. Give, give, give and give again before you ask for anything in return. This can be hard but your selflessness will be rewarded long term if you can bring them back to the bed with enthusiasm.
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I appreciate the feedback. To Roy, just to make it clear because I didn't before, yes, I absolutely love her with all my heart and am genuinely happy and honored to spend my life with her. So my issue if bringing this to her in a way that we can move forward, rather than me moving forward alone.
To Gloria - thank you for the advice. To further the conversation though - I have done these things. I do make it about her - I ask what I can do to make our sex life better, what she likes, what she'd like to try, etc. I do also try to take it slow and give, give give... as detailed in my first post. I've brought the issue up every few months for the past several years too (every few months because things often change for a few weeks before going back to normal).
I know that somewhere, she cares. This is just trying for me not simply in a "I need sex" type way, but also in a "I do everything I can to make sure my partner has her needs met and feels valued and loved... and it hurts that I don't get nearly that level of care back" type of way. THAT'S what really stings. And I've told her as much as well. But I don't know how to move forward. Talking to her about this seems to never really get us anywhere. I WOULD do marriage counseling but I can also honestly say that there's no way we can fit it into our schedule right now (medical student and PhD student with long commutes and no ability to ever schedule such events).
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There’s nothing wrong with your sex drive. Normal for men to want sex often until they start to get a little older. She could be depressed and not realize it.
By the way, how and why did you go on a trip with another woman? Did your wife know this ahead of time? It’s not ok. You set yourself up to fail. Perhaps subconsciously you wanted this to happen. Don’t put yourself in that situation again. Traveling alone with another woman is a big no no unless you’re forced to on a business trip.
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Originally posted by ItWasntMe View PostThere’s nothing wrong with your sex drive. Normal for men to want sex often until they start to get a little older. She could be depressed and not realize it.
By the way, how and why did you go on a trip with another woman? Did your wife know this ahead of time? It’s not ok. You set yourself up to fail. Perhaps subconsciously you wanted this to happen. Don’t put yourself in that situation again. Traveling alone with another woman is a big no no unless you’re forced to on a business trip.
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