Confused by GF's behavior

[Duane]

My GF and I are in our 50's and have been together for 12 years, living/working together for 10 yrs. I'm in the process of divorce from my wife and there has been no contact with her except concerning our son and property. My GF and I had a normal relationship as far as love/sex go until a few years ago. She was single for many years and would "date" younger guys she met through her career field. She would generally invite the guys when she wanted them and didn't deal with them otherwise. We knew each other through family and when my marriage died we got together.

Our physical relationship hasn't been what I would call ideal for a long time, but it has died since she hit menopause. I understand the menopause can be hard on a woman and changes a lot of things and I've been understanding and caring and patient but I have about hit the wall. When it started a year + ago she had all the normal things, moods swings, hot flashes, night sweats. I played along and helped when I could. She has since told me she no longer cares about sex or anything sexual or even touching me in a sexual manner. While this hurts emotionally I deal with it and try not to let it cause any anger or bitterness. This is where things get tough and I get confused...

We had to go to Vegas for work and she wanted to see one of the male strip shows so I took her, she commented about several of the guys. Ok, fine I'm not the jealous type. I may not be a male model but not in bad physical shape either. When we got back to our room she had no interest in doing anything, she made a statement how tired she was, said she loved me, jumped in bed and quickly feel asleep. Like I said I deal with this kind of thing all the time. She will crack jokes in front of people about my manhood, always saying she is kidding and smiling. I'm in the high average range and have a very open mind about all things sexual. She accuses me of having sex with my ex when I am in her town, which is ridiculous. I have no desire for anything physical with my ex and have never acting in any other way towards her since we separated. She also makes a big deal if I look at pictures or porn, I do masturbate, if I didn't I would explode at some point.

What is confusing is that she expects me to understand her refusal to have sex and to touch me. She expects me to massage her and help her satisfy her needs when the rare occasion strikes her, after which she says I love you and goes to sleep. I'm not supposed to get pissed when she jokes about me, I shouldn't watch porn or masturbate. If she isn't interested in sex anymore, why is she interested in male strippers? Why if she doesn't want to be bothered by me sexually why does it matter what size I am or if I masturbate? What kind of mind game is she trying to play? I have always had the mind over matter to deal with many situations so the physical part isn't an issue, I just don't get the games. Otherwise the rest of our time together, which is pretty much 24 hrs a day is fairly normal.

[Ella]

Well, it is true that many wives do stop being as sexual with their husband after they have been married for a while... but the not-intuitive point to understand is this: just because a wife has stopped being as sexual with her husband does NOT mean that she has stopped desiring sex!

When a wife stops being sexual with her husband... that most-often means she has lost the feelings that cause her to desire sex with her husband... she has lost the feelings that open her up to wanting sex with her husband... but she still very much has the desire for sex with an attractively-operating man.

Here is the RULE every husband must understand: A woman cannot long be sexual with an undeveloped, unattractively-operating guy.

Logically, you know this rule is true because you understand that in the inverse, you yourself could not long remain sexual with a gross, repulsive woman.

Now, this rule begs the question, "How does a woman INITIALLY desire sex with an undeveloped, unattractively-operating guy?"

Well, let's drill down into what happens...

By age 13 at the latest... sometimes even much younger than this... a female starts BUILDING a fantasy in her mind of what it would be like to be with a male. She spends a LOT of time building this fantasy. She builds it by talking about it with her female-friends. She builds it by watching romantic movies. She builds it by reading romantic books and magazines, and so on.

Consequently, by the time she is of marrying age, all she needs is a "cute guy" with a nice smile, a passable body, and reasonably decent manners to show her some interest and attention... so that SHE can plug him in to HER fantasy.

The critical point here is that in most cases, the typical guy did NOT get into a relationship with his lady because he had great skill. He got into a relationship with her because she had spent years craving a guy... she had spent years imagining a romanticized, idealized relationship with a guy... and all she needed was a guy to plug in to her fantasy... and he happened to be the one who made it easy for her to plug him in.

Now, a female's fantasy is something that excites her... it is something that she wants... it is something that turns her on... AND THE RESPONSE THAT THE FEMALE HAS TO HER OWN FANTASY... creates a warm, affectionate, intimate, and sexual response in her towards the guy she has plugged in.

Comically, this often leads the guy into thinking that he is a "stud"... that he is "the man".

But, by the time they have been married for 6-36 months, it has typically become very clear to the female that the guy she married is NOTHING like the guy she had imagined in her fantasy... which drives her to UN-plug her husband from her fantasy... which squelches her desire relative to him... which squelches her willingness to be affectionate, intimate, and sexual with him... and soon enough, the guy no longer feels like a "stud"... soon enough, the guy feels like he has "lost it"... and he very much feels like his marriage is a "dud".

What is frustrating to the husband is that he does not know what happened. He cannot figure out why his wife went from so hot and passionate... to so cold and distant. And, he is left feeling stumped with no clue about how to take his relationship with his wife back to what it used to be.

Well, here is what I can tell you...

The root problem is a lack-of-development problem... a lack-of-female-handling-skill problem... a lack-of-masculine-attractiveness problem!

Now, the typical husband is plenty masculine and attractive in his workplace, hobbies, and other areas of his life. But, when the typical husband walks through the front door of his house... and he starts interacting and relating with his wife... a woman who REALLY knows him for who and what he is... a woman who has firsthand knowledge and experience of his lack of female-handling development and skill... THAT IS WHEN THINGS FALL APART for him!

And actually, it would not matter WHO the guy was married to... because his mode of operation would reliably create more or less the same response in ANY woman he was married to.

Sadly, the typical husband did not grow up in an environment where his father-figure modeled how to be an attractively-operating man who knew how to lead, manage, handle, and interact with a woman in a positive way. Consequently, the typical husband did not get the REQUIRED development or skills while he was growing up.

Moreover, the typical husband has never taken the personal initiative to develop himself into an attractively operating man... he has never done anything significant towards acquiring the REQUIRED skills.

Either way, the result is that as his wife's fantasy begins wearing off... as his wife begins to see him for the undeveloped guy he really is... instead of the attractively-operating man she FANTASIZED him to be... and as she progressively UN-plugs him from her fantasy... well, her sex-drive... RELATIVE TO HIM... begins drying up.

So, the net result is that yes there IS a chemical change in his wife... her libido DOES go down... but it is NOT for some mysterious, random, unknown, unquantifiable reason. Actually, there is a very specific reason...

A wife's libido goes down AS A RESULT OF HOW SHE IS USING HER MIND RELATIVE TO HER HUSBAND... AS A RESULT OF HOW SHE IS RESPONDING TO HIS UNDEVELOPED, UNSKILLED, UNATTRACTIVE MODE OF OPERATION.

But, put this woman in the presence of a developed, skilled man... the kind of man who she WANTS to plug into her fantasy... and you would see her libido sky-rocket in an instant! In the presence of an attractively-operating man with skills, a normal woman's body will produce MORE THAN ENOUGH hormones to make her sexually hungry and sexually wild!

In other words, when a man learns how to operate and interact in such a way that he creates a turned-on response in a woman's mind, then he will find that there is NOTHING wrong with her chemical/hormonal configuration and that her desire for sex is just fine.

As it applies to you personally: when you learn how to create the right feelings within your wife's mind... then she will have the kind of response to YOU that you want her to have!

Let's dive deeper into this development point: all a woman has to do is just "look good" and she can continue to be attractive, desirable, and a turn-on to her husband. (Of course, in reality there is plenty of effort that goes into "looking good" that many men do not understand or have to deal with... but that is a different topic.) However, this point is NOT true in reverse. As a husband, you can "look good" all day long and that is NOT going to keep your wife turned on towards you. Similarly, you can be an "excellent provider" or a "great dad" and as important as these characteristics are, none of them are going to keep your wife turned on affectionately, intimately, or sexually towards you.

If you want to keep your wife turned on, the ONLY way you can do that is to DEVELOP YOURSELF INTO A MAN WHO UNDERSTANDS FEMALES AND WHO HAS FEMALE ATTRACTING AND HANDLING SKILLS.

In other words, your wife was more or less just born with what she needed to KEEP you attracted to her and turned on by her. But, it does NOT work this way in reverse. You must DEVELOP yourself and your skills in order to KEEP your wife attracted to you and turned-on by you!

That brings us to this: YOUR WIFE STILL HAS HER FANTASY TUCKED SOLIDLY AWAY IN HER MIND!

What this means is that the secret to getting your wife to be as sexual with you as she used to be is to develop yourself into the kind of man that your wife WANTS to plug into her fantasy.

The secret is to actually develop yourself and your skills so that you BECOME the man that your wife originally THOUGHT you were. When you ARE this attractively-operating MAN with skills, then your wife will plug you in to her fantasy and she will have the same kind of response to you NOW that she had towards you BEFORE!

In fact, IF you become and operate as the attractive kind of man I am talking about here... you could not stop your wife from plugging you in to her fantasy and having a turned-on response towards you... even if you wanted to (assuming you have not went so far as to "burn your bridges" with her).

Now, here is something you may find hard to believe... but it is absolutely true... and has been proven to be true by many, many men who have went through my program: you can in fact develop yourself and your skills such that you become even MORE attractively-operating, desirable, appealing, and sexy than anything your lady ever imagined... which means that she will have an even MORE intimate, affectionate, and sexual response towards you than she has ever had before... meaning that YOU CAN create a relationship with your wife NOW that is BETTER than anything the two of you have ever shared before. Believe it or not, it is true!

All it takes is YOU making the decision that you ARE going to develop yourself and your skills. The rest will happen naturally and automatically... just like it did the FIRST time. The difference is that THIS TIME, YOU WILL BE THE REAL DEAL... THIS TIME, A GREAT MARRIAGE WILL BE SUSTAINABLE AND ENDURING... in short, the good times will LAST!

[Brett]

If you are and your partner are not having sex at all or not having sex with any frequency and this is not okay with you, the term "sexless marriage" may feel painfully appropriate to what you're living.

What can be done if you're in a sexless marriage?

First off, I'm going to list several things that you can do, but it probably isn't going to improve your situation...
-- Complain
-- Nag
-- Blame
-- Guilt-trip
-- Pressure
-- Give an Ultimatum

None of these responses toward your spouse will probably bring positive changes to your sexless marriage. In fact, they will most likely drive your wife further away.

Instead, try this advice...

Identify what's standing in the way of sexual intimacy.
If you want to stay in your marriage and start having sex again with your wife, it's important for you to get out of a blaming mode of thinking, speaking and acting. Get curious about what habits, beliefs and experiences of both you and your woman that may be standing in the way of you two making love regularly.

It could be your busy schedules that just about never overlap. It might be unresolved tensions and conflict between you two that are a constant turn-off. It may be sexual abuse or trauma that either of you experienced in the past that remains unacknowledged or unhealed. There may be health challenges that make sex difficult or unappealing to either of you.

If it seems to you that your woman is the one who is always saying "no" and stopping the two of you from having sex, this might be true-- in part. It's quite likely that there is some dynamic that you also play a part in that is negatively impacting your intimacy in the bedroom too.

As you get a clearer idea of what is standing in the way of you and your wife regularly making love, brainstorm possible ways to start to dissolve those blocks.

Re-prioritize your lives to make time and energy for lovemaking if you two are always too busy. Seek help from a health care professional if health challenges are going on. Learn strategies and work with a trained professional if either of you is struggling to heal from past abuse.

And, by all means, have the courage to acknowledge the built-up resentments and anger from ongoing or past disagreements and be the first one to take a step toward resolving them.

Work with your woman to re-discover sex together.
Above all, if you're going to stay in this marriage, you're going to want to work with instead of against your woman to bring improvements.

You two can re-connect as you re-discover sexual intimacy with one another.

Start out slow and make sure that you keep communicating about what feels good, what is comfortable, what is turning you both on (and what is not). Stay open and creative.

There may be different ways that your spouse will be intimate or sexual with you now than she was in the past. Make sure that you are sensitive to her needs and wants as well as honest about your own.

Invite yourself to have fun with this. Focus in on the intimate connections you ARE making with one another, that may or may not be sexual. This can take you closer to having more sex again and closer to one another in the process.