married and troubled about past

[spjpbpnp]

We have been married for almost 3 years and dated for 15 years So we have a long history. I am also 15 years older than her. We started dating when I was 34 and she was 19
Of course all relationships have there ups and downs but I thought we always were committed to each other. about 1 year into our marriage she told me that while on a cruise with several of her GFs she hooked up with a guy while on the cruise. the cruise took place after we had been dating for approx 5 years I had suspected something was up she acted odd when she came back ( I met her at airport with flowers). I did ask she said nothing happend
About 6 months after the cruise I met her and her friends at a bar.. I was out of town for work and told her not sure if I would make it wasn't sure how late I was getting back....but did make it and I walked in and she is draped all over some guy literally sitting on his lap.
So fast forward to a year into our marriage....she decides to tell me she slept with this guy...said she regretted it meant nothing....when asked why she said he "made her feel sexy".
Of course I was very upset...and decided to look through her photo album collection.....and I find an album from the cruise. There are are at least 5 or 6 picture of her with this guy they are hugging even sitting on his lap, she also told me that after the cruise her gf called the guy 2 times(said her GF wanted to do this and she didnt want to).
Needless to say I was very upset...her response was, it was a long time ago, let it go, I should seek counseling to help me let it go..... So I went to a counselor who said I should get over it. I was really struggling even after going so after about 7 months after telling me all this she said he basically date raped here.
After all this I am very troubled

I want to believe her about it all but I dont understand
1) why not tell anyone (this one I maybe can see why you wouldnt)

2) keep all the pictures of him

3) call him after even if it was GF's idea

4) Put herself in the same situation when I met her at the bar

besides all this I feel like something was wrong in our relationship for her to put herself in this situation and I had no idea so how do I know this couldnt happen again?

[Sofia]

so how do I know this couldnt happen again?

I'm quite sure it won't happen again because she confessed to you. It probably would have happened again if she didn't tell you about it.

So, I will suggest you get over it and build a stronger marriage with her.

[Malvin]

I'm not sure about the guy date raping her, but I'm sure she won't do it again.

Moreover, this happened a long time ago, so let it go. If you keep holding unto this, it will make her hide secrets from you. She won't want to tell you thing in the future and might probably lie to you to make you feel better.

The best thing to do is tell her not to do it again and get over it.

[Ieva - Relationship Coach]

Hello friend,

I hear your pain and it's probably not easy to let go as it is to say 'just let go'.

I would not concentrate of trying to 'let it go for now', I feel the more you push it, the harder you get on yourself and the more it would be difficult to let go. Instead, be kind to yourself for now. I'm not sure what conversations you have had so far but if you can, please express your feelings and your hurt to her. Ask her permission to do so, you are entitled to do so.

After you've done so, there are a few things that you can do to build and strengthen your relationship if you choose so. One of which, is to try and understand what she is missing in your relationship and how you can find a way to respond to that. You should have a conversation about how each of you see your relationship grow.

I hope that helps, and please share with me, if you decide to take the steps I suggested and how it went.

Take care of yourself and all the best.

Ieva
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