I have a feeling of what I SHOULD do but HOW??!!

[KBR093]

Hi all, I’m new and looking for advice. First I’ve been married for 11 years. My husband and I have an 11yr old daughter who is our world. I think that’s what makes this so hard. My husband is a saint to everyone else and everyone thinks I’m the crazy one for wanting to leave. I wouldn’t say I’ve been happily married for 11years cause I haven’t. In fact the majority of it has been hell. He has a son from a previous marriage that has caused so many problems but EVERYTHING comes back on me. He stole my wedding rings and pawned then (we have video where he reached up where I put my rings, grabbed something and ran out the door and 2 hours later came back with 250.00. He was 14 then and no job and there’s no other explanation yet I LOST them (4 years later still haven’t been found) my husband and I have not slept in the same room for about 2 years now. I’ve been sleeping in the spare bedroom (which at one point I was booted to the couch because SS needed a place to sleep, so I had to give up my bed because “every child should have a place to lay their head” yes I agree with that but this KID was 18yrs old at the time) the latest thing was stepson lost his job therefore got his car repo”d. My father left me a truck when he passed away. Since SS had no car I had no choice but to offer it to him to drive. NOT ONCE did I get a thank you from neither my husband or his son and when he finally did get a car he seemed to think he could keep the truck as well (cause let’s say he didn’t use his money wisely) I did get my truck back but had to put up a fight for it.

On top of all this, my husband was addicted to prescription narcotics for years (which I blame myself for everyday cause I’m the one who told him to go see a doctor when he was in so much pain) he had a surgery and got a settlement for 12,000. He bought a brand new truck (even though I was against it but kept my mouth shut because I was always called selfish if I spoke up) he ended up going to rehab for the addiction and I learn that he had been spending upward to 500.00 a WEEK to purchase extra pills from people and had not only blew through every paycheck we had gotten BUT the 12,000 settlement he had gotten as well. I’m still hurt after that because if I spent 10.00 on myself I would get the 3rd degree. Well the truck was repo’d and since I was the co-signer my credit is screwed.

I feel like we are just living as roommates. There are no kisses, he told me a long time ago that I “smothered” him when I asked for hugs. There’s no “good nights” no “good mornings” when I want to go somewhere he declines to go. I hear these women talk all the time about how their husband is the best thing thats ever happened to them and I can’t say that. I will always love him because he is the father of our daughter. Even though I have reason to, I don’t want any ill will toward him and would never take anything from him, I just want to be happy for once and feel what it’s like to be loved, what marriage is supposed to be like. (I realize that everyday isn’t going to be rainbows but I don’t think it’s supposed to be this way either) I make a good living so could take care of myself, heck I don’t even want child support if I can get around that cause he IS a good father to our daughter. Yes it’s sad when even your child says that we are much better people apart from each other but how do you start the process of leaving?! I know he will try to make me out to be a villain and I’m not. He can keep his house and everything in it, just give me things my parents had and a few other things and I’ll gladly leave everything else cause that’s stuff dosent matter to me. I want to actually live life for once and not come home to a environment that drags me down daily. I never have been able to “Talk” to him because he turns everything back around onto me. The only family I have is our daughter so I think that’s what makes it so hard. I just don’t know where to begin. I used to be so strong. Verbal abuse is so much worse than physical! Thanks for listening....

[Clinton]

A marriage however must be shown to be irreconcilable for the court to officially sign off on a divorce. One spouse must present evidence that their partner is acting unreasonably, abandoning his or her family for a long period of time. The court of law will not grant a divorce to couples who have not been married for more than one year.

After all the evidence has been presented, the divorce proceedings can then begin. It's almost essential for you to have a divorce attorney by your side to help you with the divorce procedure.

When a divorce is not challenged by one side, then divorce procedures are mostly administrative. The duration of these proceedings is typically 4-6 months. To initiate the divorce, a petition must be filed in law court. The petition includes information about your marriage, children, and the reasons for wanting a divorce.

Your partner will receive this petition after it has been issued by the court. Your spouse under these circumstances becomes the respondent, and you are the petitioner.

Once the petition is delivered to the respondent, he or she has to file a form known as acknowledgment of service. In this document, the respondent informs the courts whether or not the divorce will be defended.

The next step consists of affidavits being filed by petitioners with the courts. Affidavits deal with issues that will most likely have an impact on the divorce process. Requests for trial direction are documents are filed by the petitioners as well. The documents are analyzed by a district judge once they have been received in court and determines if the divorce should go through.

In most cases, a judge will approve requests for a divorce. Once the divorce documents have been accepted, the judge then will allow the proceedings to move forward in what is known as decree nici. This term refers to the next to last stage of divorce. In a period of six weeks, any reasons why the couple should not go forward with a divorce must be provided.

Once the six weeks have passed, an application may be submitted to the court by the petitioner for the decree nici to be approved. At this stage, the divorce becomes official.

It's important for both parties to think long and hard about whether they truly want a divorce.

[Vivian]

Women who are considering divorce often have practical and psychological hurdles to overcome. Those who choose to leave difficult or unhappy marriages are frequently confronted with angry and resistant spouses. In contrast, those who are being left must cope with a devastating and sometimes unexpected loss. These scenarios have different dynamics.

Women who choose to end their marriages have typically lived through a protracted period of unhappiness. Often they've made attempts to salvage their marriage through their own efforts or by seeking counseling. Women who are married to men with addictions (sex, alcohol, gambling, drugs) have often spent years trying to persuade their husbands to stop their addictive behavior. Many have been in denial about the severity of their partner's addiction and they have been unable to accept the fact that their partner, who often knows he has a problem, chooses the addiction over their marriage and family.

In addition, women who are married to addicts some times feel sorry for them. Addicts tend to be manipulative. They may play upon their wife's sympathy, which contributes to a woman's feelings of guilt about pursuing divorce. This guilt significantly impacts a woman's ability to negotiate on her own behalf with regards to settlement.

Once a woman accepts that her husband is not going to change and that her efforts to save her marriage are futile, women often begin to detach emotionally from their partner. This emotional divorce makes the legal and financial divorce somewhat easier. But there are other hurdles to overcome.

Women who have been financially dependent on their husbands and who are in a financially vulnerable position are often frightened about the financial aspect of divorce. They are afraid their husbands will withhold financial support and they are worried about how they will support themselves and their children on a reduced income. This fear is realistic.

It is a documented fact that women tend to be poorer after divorce than they were while married. They also tend to have more difficulty earning a good income than their husband. In addition, women tend to be emotionally dependent on their husbands. This emotional dependence often contributes to a woman's fearfulness during divorce. It also impacts her ability to negotiate for herself when it comes to settlement.

Women who want a divorce are often confronted with husbands who are angry and resistant to a divorce. Men tend to be happier in marriage than women. They may be contented in a relationship even when their wife isn't.

Angry husbands often play upon their wife's worst fears. They may threaten to take the children away from her. They may clean out checking accounts, stop depositing their paychecks into joint checking accounts or stop paying household expenses or expenses related to the care of their children. They may run up credit card debt, since all debts accrued during a marriage tend to be the responsibility of both spouses.

For this reason, it may be important for a woman seek legal counsel before informing her husband that she wants a divorce. This is usually empowering for women. They feel they are going to have a powerful ally during a difficult period. The legal consultation also prepares a woman for the step-by-step legal divorce process she will be going through. In my decades of experience, even though it has been difficult - all of the women who've sought divorce have been able to find a way to care for themselves and their children after divorce. Also, the legal system has been able to help them obtain the necessary financial support they and their children are entitled to.

Women whose husbands leave them are faced with a different set of problems. They are usually stunned and often blindsided by their husband's announcement that they want a divorce. Not infrequently, a man seeks a divorce because he's involved with another woman. A man in this position almost never discloses the fact that he's been having an affair. Typically the affair has gone on for some time before he brings up divorce. A man in this situation has already emotionally detached from his wife and formed a new attachment to the other woman.

In my experience, this is a very tumultuous time. A woman frequently fights to hold onto her husband by making an appeal to try to work things out. A husband who wants out often becomes angry when confronted with his wife's pain and distress. He may respond to her pleas to save the marriage by blaming her for the divorce - even when he is the one having the affair. Blaming may be his way of assuaging his guilt over the affair or his guilt about leaving her and their children. Sometimes a man blames his wife for divorce because he thinks the settlement negotiations will go easier for him if she feels responsible for the break-up.

Men who blame their wives for divorce may also feel disappointed with their marriage. This disappointment may be legitimate. Perhaps the man has tried to tell his about his unhappiness but she has minimized or denied the importance of his discontent.

Also, it is not uncommon for a man to blame his wife for divorce because he's afraid she will make visitation difficult. He may be afraid his children will be angry at him if they find out he wanted the divorce and he may be afraid his wife will turn the children against him. Finally, some men blame their wives for the failure of their marriage simply because they don't take responsibility for their feelings, wishes or behavior.

Men who are involved in affairs, often try to rush the divorce process once they've announced their desire to divorce. Sometimes the rush is in response to pressure from the other woman who wants a commitment. Sometimes it's based on a conscious desire to take advantage of their wife's vulnerable emotional state by trying to force settlement negotiations during a period when she's vulnerable. The rush to divorce may also grow out of a man's desire to 'get on with life,' especially if they've lived through a protracted period of unhappiness. Finally, they may be rushing in order to run away from feelings of guilt about an affair or the wish for divorce.

I often remind a woman that her husband's desire for a quick divorce is not her problem. She does not have to adopt his timetable. She is entitled to take the time she needs to adjust to the reality of divorce and to obtain appropriate legal counsel.

[Ieva - Relationship Coach]

Hello dear,

You've done well by expressing your feelings here. I sense from your story, that you are a very kind, the most generous person and you put everyone first before yourself.

It's hard when you give everything to others and they don't respond to that or they even respond negatively.

Instead of overwhelming yourself with the though of 'leaving', start from small steps. Start from yourself. Take a daily practice to appreciate yourself, whatever that means to you. For example, saying 'no', expressing your emotions as you feel it, finding out, what you really like doing, how you like to be treated by others, take action to do more of what wasn't possible because you cared too much about other people. Imagine this time is given to you to be a Centre of the Universe. You are a very good and caring person and deserve to be treated like a queen. So treat yourself as a queen.

I believe once you start practising this, you should feel a change in how you feel about other people and your environment too. Then you will have more power to take decisions and actions for yourself.

If you decide to follow my suggestion, please share how it went. I would love to know and I wish you all the best with everything.

Best wishes,

Ieva
x