What should I do or say

[Tianadanielle]

Hi everyone
im TianA.
im not too sure how this really works but I'm just going to head and give it a try I'm married to my wife and I don't know how to get her to understand or stop blaming me for everything I'm not perfect at all in our relationship I've done my my fair share and I've heard her but I'm able to own it and I'm able to acknowledge it and I'm able to tell her I'm sorry and point out what I did was wrong and take full blame for my actions I know I could have done duffdiffere. She can't seem to understand and realize that we've hurt each other the same amount of pain but she thinks about what I did was way worse and weigh hurtful and not realize that it's because of her in the beginning that's why I ended up doing what I did but I can say I admit it and I see what I did hurt her but she can't and and and she can't own up to her actions and her responsibility in this please please help any ideas or suggestions would be great

[Rob]

Problems in marriage can arise for a ton of different things.

A good friend of mine the other day was venting on the phone and said "my wife blames me for everything". Thinking he was just being sarcastic and sort of joking, I joked back "of course, that's what wives do, that's her job"...

But he was serious. He said no Jay, my wife really blames me for every little thing. Problems that I don't even have anything to do with. Everything bad that happens is my fault and she never takes any responsibility or blame for her own problems.

What Not to Do If Your Wife Blames You For Everything...

Usually when a wife blames a husband for everything, it becomes part of a cycle of criticism in the marriage. Criticism is a major marriage killer and it usually goes hand in hand with complaining.

Now of course you have to be aware that there may be some truth to some of the things that she blames you for. A marriage is usually 50 - 50 and therefore some of the problems might be legit.

But a) if she's taking no responsibility for her own problems then she's using as a scapegoat and b) there are better ways to express her criticism that don't cause problems in the marriage.

What you shouldn't do is shut down. A lot of time when a wife constantly complains and barrages you with criticism it causes a man to shut down. You might feel like escaping by refusing to ever talk about the problem. This will deepen your marriage problems so it's important that you resist doing so.

What You SHOULD Do if Your Wife is Blaming Your for Everything and Causing Problems in the Marriage...

First of all you need to try to explain to her that it's bothering you that she'd doing this, but in a way that's not going to cause an explosion on your part. In other words, if she becomes defensive and starts blowing up at you, don't let it get you to the point where you're debating her to see things your way.

No matter what you say, especially in that setting isn't going to allow her to see things that way.

Another thing you can do just so there is no chance of interruption is to write her a letter, expressing the situation and really letting her know that you don't want it to cause anymore problems in the marriage.

Next stop arguing about it. Like I said you will get nowhere trying to make her see things your way. Nobody can change someone else's mind, it has to be done internally by the person themselves.

The Solution You Might Not Want to Hear But May Make a 50% Positive Change in Your Marriage...

Remember that I said that some of what she's blaming you for may be legitimate. Of course she shouldn't probably express it the way she does, but that's not the point here.

[Kate]

I will suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with her, tell her to tell you whatever you have done to offend her and you tell her yours. That way, you both can peacefully resolve the issue.