Will people, who have found their true love, confirm THIS ASSUMPTION?

[Temake]

Hello,

My first post in this forum is mainly focused to people, who have found their true love. About 5 months ago, I realised that a beautiful woman, who I once considered “too good, to be true”, was actually the ONE. The joy was off limits: when we met, her smile was off the charts and I couldn’t believe it: the prettiest girl was really into me. We barely knew each other and we had worked together on two occasions. The relationship is on its way and thinking of her occupies 95% of my day. She is that special. And one of the strangest or loveliest thing about her is her eyes. They are so sweet, so deep and absolutely gorgeous. But then I began wondering: could she have the same eyes like my mothers?

Do we pick our partners based on our mother/father eyes? Does your true love share the exact same eyes as your mother/father? For me, their (my mother and my true love) eyes showcase a huge amount of humbleness and loyalty. Our mother/father plays a huge role in our upbringing, so is it possible that we look out for that same keen look in our future partner?

[Vivian]

I think it's wrong to base your choice of a future partner on the resemblance with your parents. You should have a checklist of what you want in a woman and search for those features in any woman you come across. Such features must not include physical looks, although physical looks are important but it should come secondary.

[Anthony]

If you've been looking for the Partner of your Dreams, here's 10 tips to guide you to a successful outcome - the love of your life!

1) Write it down.

This might sound crazy, but before you can find the partner of your dreams, you need to define WHAT that partner is. By this, I mean a comprehensive description of the traits you want them to have, the basics of the look, types of interests, hobbies, etc.

It's a known fact that to achieve your goals, you first need to define them clearly AND write them down. Goal setting coaches have been saying this for 50+ years. So, why should it be any different when it comes to finding your dream partner.

As to WHY you should write down the details - simple really. It helps you focus on what you are looking for, and whenever you encounter a prospective partner, but you're just not 100% sure about whether they are right for you or not, you just grab your "list" and see where they match up and where they don't.

2) Be realistic.

This one is perhaps one of the toughest ones to deal with when looking for a dream partner. We all have these pre-conceptions of what kind of partner we would like (ie. rich, movie star attractive, no baggage, etc), but we also have to keep in mind 2 things.

Firstly, NO ONE is perfect. Absolutely no one! So, if your expectations are that your partner will be perfect, then you might as well quit looking now, because you are only going to end up being disappointed. On the other hand, someone could be perfect for YOU - and there's a big difference between the two.

The second thing to keep in mind is that just because you have met someone perfect for YOU, does not mean to say they think you are perfect for them!

You'll also have to deal with this issue, and quickly, because otherwise things are going to get nasty real quick.

For example (extreme example, admittedly), let's say you are a 62 year old man or woman who is unhealthy, unfit, a smoker, heavy drinker & financially not well off. Now, you might WISH to land yourself a gorgeous 22 year old hottie who will fulfil all your fantasies, but let's be honest. The chances of that happening are extra-ordinarily low to non-existent. You just are NOT a good fit for the hottie, so you need to be (somewhat) realistic.

3) Have a Positive expectation.

After point number 2 (be realistic), you might have just decided to give up and never try again. Well, that leads us on to #3, which is that you ALSO have to be positive about finding someone.

If you are out there "on the market" long enough, and actively looking (rather than staying home and watching TV and waiting for your perfect match to walk in off the street and knock on your door), you will EVENTUALLY meet some great people, some of whom will be good possibilities.

In my case, after my separation (and subsequent divorce) in 2002, I eventually got back into the dating scene, but didn't have much luck for at least 6 months. Every time I met someone, it didn't seem to go well, and I nearly gave up SOOOOOO many times. However, over time, I did manage to meet some nice ladies, and eventually (about 2 years down the track), I met someone wonderful, and we did end up falling in love. She was a new person who just happened to be right for me, and it would never have happened if I had given up after the first disastrous couple of dates.

There's a classic cliche that is SO TRUE, that it bears repeating here:

You get what you expect!

In other words, if you expect to meet the partner of your dreams and develop a great relationship with them, then that's what will eventually happen. On the other hand, if you don't expect to meet your dream partner and end up together, then that's what will happen. It's your choice - which is fabulous news IF you understood what I just said.

4) Clean Up Your Act.

In order for you to be the person that your dream partner is looking for, you first need to be the best you that you can be.

This means that you might need to do some work on yourself. Are you as fit, healthy and looking the best you can? If not, then are you prepared to work on it? Do you dress nicely, and make sure your hair looks good, your teeth are cleaned and even gargle with mouthwash - 'cause NOBODY wants to date halitosis-breath!

No one is perfect physically. Heck, I should know. I'm overweight and could certainly stand to lose quite a few pounds/kilos, BUT, when I'm out there dating, I dress neatly, always shower, shave, do my teeth & even splash on a small amount of quality cologne (my poison of choice is Ralph Lauren's Romance Silver), just to make sure I present myself in the best possible light.

Nothing turns off a potential partner quite like you turning up looking scruffy, wearing un-ironed clothes, and not having made an effort. You don't need to go out and buy lots of expensive clothes to do this either. I tend to shop at KMart or Target for most of my clothes because I'm not a name-brand clothes shopper, and they ain't fancy...BUT the prices are good and the clothes are usually nice. If you've got no fashion sense, bribe a friend who has some to come with you and help you choose one or two nice outfits.

5) Get Out There and Meet People.

The most amusing thing I have noticed about people wanting to find a partner, but who haven't, is that they usually stay home and never go out to meet new people. Your dream date aint gonna come knocking on your door one evening and beg you to come out on a date with them, so get up off the sofa, clean yourself up and go out and MEET new people.

Where and how is really up to your own personal preference. Myself - I hate pubs and clubs, so would never rely on those venues as a means of meeting a potential partner. On the other hand, perhaps you like those kinds of place. If so, great! Just be sure you go to a place that is likely to attract the kind of people you want to meet.

If you're a lady looking for an educated intellectual kind of guy (like one friend of mine), then you probably won't meet him at a rough pub where the blue collar workers hang out all evening drinking and smoking themselves silly. Go to an upmarket place that will attract the kind of person/s you want to meet.

My personal favourite is online (or Internet) dating. I have done nearly all my dating via this medium in the last 3 years, and with several exceptions, I have found it to be a brilliant way to meet women without having to do the pub/club crawl.

Join a social group, take up a sport or a hobby where you can meet prospective partners. Get into a book club, or photography, or whatever. There are so many choices to pick from - you're bound to find one option that appeals to you.

If you don't get out there to meet new people, you'll NEVER meet the partner of your dreams, so get off your butt and go out - and remember to have fun, whatever you choose to do.

6) Understand The Dynamics of The First date.

Most of the mistakes are made in the first date, which usually means there isn't a 2nd date!

Here's a few I have made, or learned about the hard way:

Remember the K.I.S.S. principle (Keep It Simple Stupid). Make the first date something simple, like meeting for a coffee for 1 hour. That way, if they turn out to be the date from hell (or they think you are!), then either of you can do a runner quickly, without being locked into something drastic.

Guys, it may be an old-world gentlemanly tradition, but resist the temptation to take a lady out to a fancy restaurant and buy her expensive flowers/gifts on the first date. K.I.S.S. - Trust me on this one.

Ladies, if a guy is a gentleman and doesn't follow my instructions then at least have the good manners to thank him for a lovely night, and for paying for the meal, etc. I'm consistently amazed at how often that does not happen. It doesn't matter whether you want to see him or not - just show some manners. Actually, this equally applies to guys who are taken on dates by their lady.

NEVER, under any circumstances, have sex on the first date (men or women)! Trust me when I say that if a serious relationship with the partner of your dreams is your chief goal, then leave the sex until a little later. Don't let lust cloud your judgement, because it only ever leads to grief. A kiss goodbye is fine though...

Understand that the true objective of the first "date" is NOT to meet the partner of your dreams, but to decide if you like this person enough (and they feel the same about you) to meet again for a 2nd date. Keep things fun and casual - enjoy yourself, because even if you don't fall in love, you may make a new best friend!

You don't fall in love on the first date, no matter how stunningly attractive your date is - AND - if you do think you have fallen in love on the first date, it's actually lust. A complex series of chemical reactions and mental/emotional connections is what makes you THINK you are in love. Trust me when I tell you it's not love. Love takes time to develop and is totally worth the time and effort.

7) SWSWSW Next!

Bet you're wondering what the heck this means?!?!?!

Simple - it stands for "Some Will, Some Won't, So What. Next!"

It's the attitude you NEED to keep foremost in your mind when you start dating, because I can GUARANTEE you are going to hit some snags along the journey. And, when you hit those snags (and one day I probably will write a book about the snags I hit over the years), then you NEED something aside from pure willpower to keep you going.

What does SWSWSW actually mean? Simply, it means some of the prospective partners you meet will be good candidates, and hopefully one of them will even turn into the partner of your dreams... and some of them won't be good candidates! The key is, when they are a NO, you have to take the attitude of "So What!", and move onto the next prospective candidate (Next!).

My favourite saying to myself AND my friends when they have been out there dating is: "You only need to meet ONE right person! All the rest don't matter..."

If that's the case, then you should keep in mind that some of the people you chat to, email with, or even meet for a date, will turn out to be NOT RIGHT FOR YOU! Pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself down, and move on to the next one. At the end of the day, it's the only way to keep sane when things seem like they are going downhill faster than an anvil falling from 20,000 ft!

It's one of the things that allowed me to recover from the devastation I felt when the relationship I had with the lady that I thought was "the one" unexpectedly fell in a heap on the floor six months after we met and fell in love.

It's the only thing that kept my friend going when the guy she started dating turned out to be gay!

Remember, you CAN recover from it, so just keep on keeping on, and remember SWSWSW Next!, and you'll be a relationship winner in time.

8) Do's and Don'ts of Winning That Someone Special.

By itself, this topic could take up a 20 chapter book and probably still require more content, but we don't have that much space, so here's some killers I can personally vouch for.

Be honest. Nothing gets a prospective partner annoyed with you faster than dishonesty. Don't tell them over the phone that you are 30, fit & athletic and good looking if you are 43, out of shape and definitely NOT attractive. Likewise, don't tell them you are a non-smoker if you do smoke, etc.

Don't be desperate. There is ALWAYS another person for you to meet. ALWAYS someone who could be as good a partner as the one you are checking out now. So, don't gush all over them on day 1, and tell them you love them on day 2, or ask them when they would like to meet your family and friends on day 3. 1 step at a time, tiger... Nothing puts a prospective partner off like desperation - it's about as sexy as hemorrhoids.

Don't spend all the time talking about yourself. Ask them questions about themselves and LISTEN to their answers. People LIKE people who want to know about them, as opposed to telling someone all about themselves. Don't be so self-indulgent that you dominate the conversation with your self centred anecdotes, because all you'll do is show yourself to be egotistical and/or having a really poor self image. Neither trait is attractive. The classic Dale Carnegie self-help book "How To Win Friends And Influence People" is brilliant for giving you some good ideas on how to do this well.

9) Learn About Yourself And What Makes Relationships Work.

I will make you a promise right here and now, even though I don't know you, and I guarantee you that I will be 100% correct every time!

That promise is this: Most of the problems you have in any relationship will be because of hidden baggage in your head and/or your partner's head... AND, the only way to deal with these problems is to communicate openly (see the next point) and help each other deal with these issues.

The worst part of this is that USUALLY you or your partner will not be fully aware of these hidden "relationship landmines", but you will keep stepping on each other's mines over time, and if there's one thing that's guaranteed to destroy a relationship, it's fighting and dissatisfaction with each other, which is the typical outcome of exploding relationship landmines.

In my opinion, one of the very BEST books you could ever read on this subject, as a way to help you understand what makes you and your partner tick is: "Keeping The Love You Find - A Single Person's Guide To Achieving Lasting Love" by Dr. Harville Hendrix.

This book was a life saver for me when my above-mentioned relationship broke up. It helped me understand WHY this happened and what I brought to the relationship that helped cause it, and what my then-partner brought to it that also caused it to collapse.

Dr Hendrix has also written a similar book for Couples - I haven't read that yet (but did give a copy of it as a wedding present!), but if it's half as good as this one was, I recommend all couples buy it and read it together.

No, I don't know Dr Hendrix, but what I do know is that this book made a huge difference in my life, and if it helps even one other person like it helped me, then it will have been worthwhile telling you about it.

10) Communication Makes It All Work.

This last point is really the BIG ONE (!) that can make or break a relationship.

You see, without open and honest communication between 2 people in a relationship, the chances of that relationship lasting and both people being happy and fulfilled in it is a big FAT ZERO!!!

The real challenge is that communication is NOT easy for some people. They don't like discussing their feelings and thoughts, especially if they feel those topics will bring up strong emotional feelings of pain or discomfort for them.

Even though I consider myself a good communicator, I have also learned to my detriment that I needed some more work there in past relationships. One of my personal weaknesses is a strong dislike of confrontation and telling my partner when I am not happy about something they have said or done. There's a hidden psychological reason for why I act this way (something I have identified), but at the end of the day, it gets in the road of a powerful self-expressed relationship.

Every single person out there has an issue (or more than one) hidden below the surface, and until we can identify that issue, we can't deal with it. However, if this issue causes a problem within a relationship, then you will need to learn to communicate with your partner in an open and honest manner, in order to help them understand why you say and do the things you do.

Understanding the issue is the first step to dealing with these hidden problems, and that comes from communication between two people. If one partner is NOT open to communication, you'll eventually find the relationship will NOT work, so choose carefully when it comes to picking your dream partner. An open honest communicator is much more important that someone who looks good or is rich, etc.

Get help if you have problems with communication. There are PLENTY of great resources available, via book, tape, seminar, therapy and on the Internet. Just remember that no matter how strong the pain is, it will be far worse if you don't deal with the issue at the root of this, and that will require you to be a great communicator (luckily, this is a learned skill and anyone can learn it!)

OK, well I hope these 10 tips help you find the partner of your dreams. Being in love is special and something I wish for ALL of my readers. All the best for that next date, and remember... SWSWSW Next!