What to do with this most painful, beautiful, love...

[Missinglink17]

I must start this post by saying a couple of things.

First- I love God and have faith in Him and His son Jesus. I feel pain and conviction of my situation daily, but know that I am forgiven. Non the less, I suffer constantly from what has occurred over the last couple years of my life.

Secondly- I have never posted my story before as I am not the kind of guy that has ever reached out for help. With that I am not looking for help necessarily but maybe some perspective or someone’s similar experience.

Thirdly- I know that what has occurred and led me to this stage in my life is entirely my fault. I blame no one and nothing but myself.

So the story…

Almost 2 years ago while working I met the woman of my dreams. The problem was that I was married and she was married. There was no intent on growing this crazy, unbelievable connection we instantly had with one another. But there was no denying that there were fireworks going off around both of us the moment we first saw each other, and after our first conversation it was like the world froze around us. She struck my heart instantly; she changed my whole world in the blink of an eye…. I have never believed in love at first site, but there it was, whether or not I wanted it to happen.

We had to interact occasionally due to our positions, and at first, that’s all there was. But all the while my heart and hers were connected and became intertwined… they became one and neither of us could make it very long without reaching out to the other for very long at all.

I could go on and write a whole novel about the connection we made, the love story of us, but I will not waste your time with that. I am a good looking man and have been in and out of quite a few relationships until I met my wife. I have had a lot of heart ache over the course of my life and grown up rough, but I am a sensible and conscience person. I have a big heart and strive to be kind and loving to all. I say this because I want you to understand a little bit of my character. Nothing I have ever encountered in life has filled me with as much joy and love as this woman.

Now I will fast forward a couple of years to where I am today.

This woman of my dreams and I developed a crazy magical relationship and we both cheated and betrayed our spouses. We both know we were wrong and selfish. We both confessed to our spouses that we cheated, though not all of the details, we both told them we were in love with another.

I came to a point where I choose her over my wife, and I told her that. She could not get there as she has 4 children with her husband and felt she had to stay and fight to keep their marriage alive for them, and because it was the right thing to do. An honorable and respectable decision by her that I completely understood. The problem was that it took us months and months to finally depart each other and let life play out. I know that she loves me as I love her, and I know that her decision was based on right and mine on wrong. I have no children so I could have left a lot cleaner, though my heart breaks to think about leaving my wife, because I do love her and care for her very much, but we were never meant to be. I settled and gave in to her push to get married, rather than fight about it, but that is neither here nor there as I did still make the commitment to my wife.

So today, we don’t talk, but pass each other on the freeway occasionally. We look for each other constantly and I know are both equally dying without each other. Her husband has filled for divorce; my wife wants to keep working us out. I wear a mask around her almost constantly; I am so very depressed constantly… I know the same exists for my love.

So here I stand, missing and loving the woman of my dreams, wishing I could die every day because I can hardly live without her. Feeling terrible for what I have put my wife thorough and trying to make her life OK. I am so stuck in what my next move should be, where to go, what to do, how to live…

With my loves divorce upcoming I am torn to shreds constantly. I don’t what her to divorce for her children; I don’t want it for her husband, whose life I destroyed. If the divorce goes through, which it will most likely do, then what do I do… I don’t think I can continue in life knowing that I am the cause if it, that the love of my life exists unsupported and alone. I don’t think I can hide my heart behind a mask to my wife… I can’t move forward at all knowing that my love will be alone, and I know for certain that she will want me….. My prayers are constantly of my mess, my sorrows, my hurtful actions that have touched the lives of so many….. I need this woman, but I don’t know if I can destroy my wife since some healing has occurred in her… I know I shouldn’t leave my wife, but I don’t know either. I am responsible for what has happened and I feel like I should take care of her, I want to take care of her….

So here I stand… I am able to keep it together because I am strong, but I am so lost and so sad all the time. Whether or not I want to feel what I do for her, I have no choice. I wake to the thought of her every morning; I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of her… Every moment of quiet is her, every moment is her…. She is my favorite color, my favorite taste, my favorite smell and feeling…. I know that what we had was not represenitive of real life, but it was because we both always felt the same.

So what do I do…. Where do I go from here…..



There is a lot more to this story as I said before….
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[Zinok]

I think you know what you need to do.
You need to divorce your wife. Neither of you is ever going to be truly happy in the relationship when you`re heartbroken and pining for another woman. You wont do your wife any favours by locking her into a fake marriage with a man who would rather be with someone else. She doesn`t deserve that. She deserves to be loved fully and truly, and have a committed man who isn`t going to fuck someone else and long for another woman as she lays in bed next to you.

[Ben]

I won't advice you to divorce your wife for this woman. Your wife has flaws that made you choose this woman over her, but that's the same way this woman has her own flaws that are unknown to you. The very moment you divorce your wife and bring this woman in, that's when you will realize you have made a big mistake.

I will suggest you resolve whatever problems you have with you wife. That was you both can live happily together.

[Judith]

I want you to put yourself in your wife's position, how will you feel if your wife was the one doing this to you.

Break whatever connection you have with this other woman and be true and faithful to your wife.

[Missinglink17]

I appreciate the feed back you all have left.

Zinok- in many ways I feel you are right. I really f'd up in my marriage and feel so very terrible for what I have done. I don't want to waste my wife's time and I truly want her to be happy. I know she would be happiest with me and wish she would have wanted to leave. It breaks my heart that I let my guard down, that I did not guard my heart and am in this. There is just no easy way tell her that I want a divorce... I do want to be the man she wants and deserves, but I know... and I feel very selfish for knowing and feeling that my heart will never 100% where it should be.
So how would you tell someone very delicate that you want a divorce?

Ben and Judith- I know staying is the right thing to do. I just don't know how I will be able to be the man I should be with this broken heart I gave myself. If the woman I am in love is forced into a divorce, I know I'm going to be a mess for a long long time... probably forever. So what do I do with what I feel? I've been through all kinds of counciling with my wife since this has happened, and quite honestly it really hasn't helped at all. I am to sound minded, I know what I should be, I know right and wrong, I know what my wife needs, I just don't know how long I can hold back and conceal where my heart is. So do I just put it all out there to my wife? Do I suck it up because I don't matter?
Also there is no contact with my and this love of my life, it has been cut off for about 4 months now.
I know the faults my wife has, I know my faults. We all have them and it's not the reason that I love this other more than my wife, it's a million little things and the way I feel differently about her than my wife.
I messed up bad and have made many people suffer due to my selfishness. In what ever way I go I desire to create the least disturbance as possible.
Do I open up and tell my wife my true feelings?