Do I want too much sexual activity with my wife?

[Alfie]

I am a married man of 3 years and have been with my wife 13 years in All and we have a 18month year old. I am always keen on sexual activity with my wife I crave it a lot but she is not fussed and really doesn’t show the same interest in me in that way. I also have an underwear fetish and love to see her in sexy underwear and when she does wear it and we don’t get jiggy it leaves me so rejected and to a degree It tortures me not being allowed to touch her and enjoy it. I have to find other ways of getting my kicks without cheating. I love her with all my heart but I’m struggling to cope with not being satisfied. Any ideas? Maybe I do just want it to much and I should let her be but I feel I have to disconnect from that emotion completely would lead us down separate paths. I have talked to her about this before and she knows my feelings, it upsets her when we do talk about it as she feels she is always trying to please everybody but it’s always me that gets left out. Any help here would be great. Thank you

[Ella]

This is not a problem that is going to be fixed unless you put in some effort, and take some compassionate steps towards reconnecting with her.

Your immediate assumption when your wife repeatedly refuses to be intimate may be that she's having an affair. It's understandable why you'd jump to this conclusion given the fact that she's not interested in making love with you so logically it's because she's making love with someone else, right? Surprisingly, many women who are indeed having extramarital affairs will actually engage in intimacy more often with their spouse. It's believed that this occurs because the woman in question wants to ensure her husband never suspects she's cheating. In her mind if she has sex with him often, he'll never suspect. You can take comfort in the fact that it's rare for a woman's disinterest in intimacy to be tied to her having an affair.

It is important, however, that you do try and understand why she's lost interest in intimacy with you. There are a number of reasons why this does sometimes occur in marriages. Some examples are the wife feels her body has changed so significantly that she's embarrassed by it, she feels that her husband doesn't find her attractive because he never makes positive comments anymore, or because of a conflict that was never resolved. If you and your wife have tension between the two of you that is occurring outside the confines of your bedroom walls that is inevitably going to impact what happens inside those walls.

Talking to your wife about the lack of intimacy in your marriage may feel like the right thing to do. Communication is essential to a balanced marriage but this is one area that is tricky from an emotional sense. Depending on how you bring the subject up and the mood your wife is in, she may automatically absorb what you're saying to her as a personal attack. Obviously you're not going to intend it that way, but when something as delicate as intimacy is involved, a discussion on the subject can take a wrong turn very quickly.

It's advisable to ensure she knows you love her regardless of the frequency of the intimacy you two share. You should be viewing this as a temporary issue that you can work together to resolve. In the meantime keep telling her that you're so glad you married her and that you utterly adore her. Your wife needs to know that you love her unconditionally. If she feels that a discussion on intimacy will be much more productive.

It's also very beneficial to spend more time together as a couple. You can do that by planning a date night a few times a month. Many movie theatres have an inexpensive night once a week where you can go with your wife to see a film and hold hands like you used to do in the early days of your marriage. Maybe you both enjoy being outdoors so you can arrange an outing that allows you two to cycle around a park or river valley, if that's possible. The key is to find things to do that will help you reconnect on an emotional level. This is particularly helpful if you do sense there's been stress between you to recently.

Intimacy can begin with just a small touch. Reaching for your wife's hand, kissing her while she's cooking dinner or offering to rub her shoulders after a hard day's work are all things that will help you get in touch with one another again in a physical sense.

By being compassionate, understanding and showing your tender side, you can help your wife open up and want to be intimate with you again. It's important that you take it slowly, be patient and understanding.

[Brett]

If you've been thinking of ways to get her to want to be intimate with you again, then you should be commended for not wanting to give up.

Here are some steps you can take today to start to make that happen again...

Why It Hurts to Think That Your Wife Doesn't Desire You Anymore...

Marriage gets really tough when you think that your wife doesn't feel the way that she used to anymore. It's frustrating and it just really hurts your feelings, and frankly makes you feel pretty insecure.

It leaves you wondering why, what's wrong with you, and it leaves you wondering if there's someone else that she is desiring. Am I right? Are you feeling these things?

Not to mention that you just might like to get some every now and then. But let me not digress into high school humor...

Reasons Why You May Be Having to Say My Wife Does Not Desire Me...

Here's the thing. There are tons and tons of reasons why it may seem as though your wife doesn't desire you anymore.

Maybe she doesn't. Sure that may be a possibility...but likely there's some sort of other reason why she's having these feelings. Or should I say not having those feelings.

First of all it's important to realize that women don't look at intimacy and sex the same as men. For us guys it doesn't take a whole lot actually. Little cleavage, tight pants, and a cross breeze and that's usually enough for us. Basically as men we're more visually stimulated, and that goes way back into our genes... and into our reptilian brain. Basically it's an ancient mechanism put in place so we could procreate like crazy.

But women need a little more to get into the desire frame of mind. Women actually have to be stimulated mentally more than physically. There has to be other things in place than just visual stimulation. Women need to be stimulated emotionally in order to feel desire.

This means that there are a lot of things that can act as a barrier to your wife's desire for intimacy with you. This is of course a good sign if you're my wife does not desire me. Because knowing this gives you the power to remove some of those barriers and hopefully that will do the trick.

You see many men will try and try to get their wife to desire them by doing the wrong things, simply because they feel like it should work since it would work on them.

It's the same reason that women don't like porn. It's does nothing for MOST women. However most really do enjoy a good romance novel. Why...because it gets them emotionally involved. It plays on their senses.

Now let's talk about some of the barriers that might be causing your wife not to desire you.

Stress... Stress is a biggie these days. If your wife's mind is tied up in thinking about bills, kids, job, dinner, and whatever else she's not going to feel much like being intimate at all.

Security... When your wife is not feeling secure in life then her intimacy and desirable feelings will be blocked. So making your wife feel secure either financially, and or physically will make her have much more desire. That's frankly why you see guys who are ugly as heck... but look like they'd clear a bar without batting an eye usually has the hot women all over them. That's also why rich guys have no problem creating desire in women. Guess Chuck Lidell is doing pretty well with the women huh?

Desirable... If your wife isn't feeling desired then she's not going to feel desirable, which means she won't be showing any desire for you. Basically, if your wife isn't feeling good about herself then it's going to be very hard for her to 'get in the mood' so to speak Insecurities are one of the biggest reasons for lack of intimacy in a relationship. Unfortunately as years go by and a women is feeling older, and with busy schedules she's not making to the gym as much she may not feel as though you feel the same about her.

So these are just some of the things to keep in mind if you're feeling the wife does not desire me.