I don't understand his anger

[lavenderblue]

My spouse and I have been married for more than 20 years, and have had our ups and downs. We have children, and some of them are special needs kids, though they are all teens.

I would like to get some feedback/advice.

Last night, my spouse was really ticked off at out oldest. She was being kind of snotty, and had been arguing with her sister. That made my husband mad and he blew up at them ( yelled) and then stewed for a while. he was in a terrible mood, and said it had given him a headache.

We sat down to supper, and he was still in a bad mood, and wanted me to go and talk to our oldest. I did, and she came upstairs and sat down to eat. My younger daughter had made supper, and and I said to my husband that he and I should do the dishes, even though it was her night to do it, as she was tired and had mad supper for everyone.

He didn't like that, but he did it anyway. A few minutes later, I was talking to my daughter about a porblem she was having ( medical) and he was complaining about the dishcloths. I was trying to hear my daughter, and brushed him off, and he blew up at me. He threw the dishcloths at me and grumped around for a while, the whole time going on about how no one listens to him.

All last night, he wouldn't talk to me, and when I told him I was sorry and didn't want to fight, he said he ddnt't want to either, so he was just going to watch a show on his laptop. This morning, he didn't even say goodbye when he left, and when I got up to say goodby, he snapped at me. He's been short tempered all day.

TBH, this sort of thing has been an issue with him for a long time. He says no one listens to him, and if I try to talk to him about it, he just shuts down the conversation by saying something like " I guess i' just a terrible person, it;s all my fault " ( taht's his way of trying to make me feel bad and take the heat off of him).

I don't want to give the wrong impression, as most of the time, he's a great guy. i just don't understand this type of thing. Growing up, he was both spoiled and abused, and as the only boy, he was the center of attention to very domineering parents. A lot of the time, everything is someone else's fault, at least in is mind.

I'm not sure how to approach this with him. For the most part, things are good between us, although he did heave an affair almost a decade ago, during which he was an absolute ass.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[lavenderblue]

btw...sorry for the title. I forgot the "I".

[Scot]

Men who have anger issues have a better way of resolving their deep-seated problems. Since anger is an indicator of something deeper, the anger in itself exposes the problem.

According to Debi Pearl in her book, Created To Be His Help Meet, there are two kinds of anger: the anger that is just a reaction to something over some frustrations, and the anger that is rooted in bitterness. Each type of anger needs to be dealt with in different ways.

Just as it is very natural for us to get hurt over little things that our husbands may find very petty, it is also very natural for them to get angry over things that won't even affect us. They can flare up over not finding their keys, and may even blame you for it. Or you may be talking to him about something and you caught him at the wrong time and gets mad at you for it.

I used to be very sensitive about this. I still am, sometimes, but I've improved a lot. I've come to realize that when my husband is angry over something it doesn't mean that he is mad at me. I am learning more and more each time not to take things personally. One thing I have discovered though is that the enemy uses our husbands' anger to make us feel resentful of them, thus dividing us so he, the devil, can conquer. When I see things from the spiritual realm, then I get stronger in overcoming the attack of the enemy.

So the next time your husband gets mad over something you may think is petty, take it with a grain of salt. It's not about you.

The other type of anger though is deeper and should be dealt with in a more sensitive way. This type of anger blames everybody for his demise. It also expresses anger, hurt, and hatred towards certain groups of people, if not everybody else. If you have a husband who has this problem, the best way for you to deal with it is to let him express himself without you telling him that he is wrong. Then when his anger has subsided, you can gently point him to the truth. You have to take it very easy though as you may trigger some issues within him that will bring back his anger again. You have to be very careful too about fanning the flames of his anger. You may agree with him over his anger towards a family member that you don't like as well, which will just make matters worse for him.

Present to him a bigger picture of things such as where the other person is coming from. Never do this though at the height of his anger. For instance, if he is mad at his brother, perhaps you can discuss with him the pressures that his brother is going through and what he probably feels towards him, your husband. Always point him back to Jesus... what Jesus said... what Jesus did. Encourage him by telling him that his anger is God's way of exposing some things to him about himself and people. Let him know that it is alright to feel hurt (which they express through anger) because it gives way to healing.

If you are dealing with an angry husband, better learn how not to talk negatively against anyone. If you do, it will just stir him up and will hate the people that you keep talking against. I have made this mistake several times which is why I have learned my lesson, and sharing it with you.

Guard your heart... be gentle... be patient... be encouraging... bite your tongue... these are the things you should do when dealing with an angry husband. Above all, continue to pray for him... for his healing and deliverance, and also for his self-control which is the fruit of the spirit. The more your husband draws closer to Jesus and His Word, the more he will produce the fruits of the spirit. And you are in the best position to make this happen. Everything that your husband sees in you becomes an example for him to follow as well. Remember... you are not just his wife but you are his sister in the Lord. He is watching you and learning from you. When he sees you praying and reading your Word (without bragging about what you're doing or making him feel less spiritual), it stirs him up to do the same. He may not admit it but he feels it. When you don't let what other people say affect you, but instead, you pray for these people, he learns from your example. When you don't talk evil against anyone, he learns from you too.

So you see the best way to deal with an angry man is to counter it with the opposite of anger: peace, gentleness, love, patience, and kindness. In doing this you not only help usher your husband's healing and deliverance but you live God's Word to the fullest.

[Vivian]

The snappy hot head husband who flies off the handle, every time something doesn't suit him. This is the guy who can be in the middle of the supermarket, and has no difficulty raising his voice at you or others, and humiliating them. This type of angry husband simply does not have to be tolerated.

You will soon find that perhaps giving him a taste of his own medicine, may be enough for a wake-up call. Before going to these measures though, the first step is to try and discuss the anger issue with him. There is a chance that he doesn't realize that he is flying off the handle to the extent that he is. He may also not realize just how embarrassing and humiliating this is, when it takes place in a public setting.

The key to handling his angry outbursts, is not to tolerate them no matter where they occur. If you are going to allow him to go into a rage at home, when no one is around, then only get upset when this happens in public, you are sending mixed messages.

It also has to be kept in mind, that it doesn't matter whether the anger is directed at you, someone else, or self directed. It is not acceptable. Of course everyone has their moments where their temper gets the best of them, and this can be tolerated. It is when the occurrences of temper mismanagement are out of control, that it becomes an issue.

Often wives that are subjected to this type of behavior will start to turn down family and friend invitations to functions, for fear of having to deal with an anger outburst. Or when it does happen, they will make excuses for the behavior. This is just feeding into the problem. Your husband is simply not being held responsible for his actions. If you are a wife that is in this situation, you will find that your friends and family will tolerate the behavior for your sake, and not for the sake of your husband. People that are caught in this type of situation, would rather try to diffuse the matter, and try to prevent it from escalating to where it ruins the social event.

You as the wife must make your husband aware of his angry outbursts. Chances are he knows within himself that he has an anger management problem, but will not consider doing something about it, until he becomes aware that it is not going to be accepted by others, and mostly you as his wife.