Does He Find Me Unattractive Now That I've Had His Child?

[Judith]

I had a baby 8 months ago, and since then the only time we have sex is if I initiate. My husband is affectionate but never initiates sex. I am back to my pre-baby weight and am in very good shape but it feels like he doesn't find me attractive any more.

It's not like we've been together for 20 years either; we got pregnant after being together for only a few months, so this is technically still a new relationship. During my pregnancy we didn't really have sex at all, which at the time was ok with me. I would give him a BJ or a Boob Job (I do have fabulous breasts LOL!) which I was happy to do, because I wanted to keep him satisfied. But now I want to have sex again.. Any time we talk about it, he says that "sex just isn't on his mind."

However, while searching for photos of our baby on his computer, I found many photos and videos of him having sex with other women. I know these are probably trophies from his past.

But there are so many, very beautiful women that he has images of having sex with, so he obviously has a sex drive. Of course this makes me think that he just doesn't have a sex drive for me, and that he doesn't find me attractive any more.

So my questions are: Why would he keep these "Trophies"? Do you think he still looks at them and fantasizes about these other women? Does he find me unattractive now that I've had his child? Are we headed for divorce??

[David]

Hi Judith!

Thanks so much for your question and I’m really sorry to hear about the situation you’re in. I can practically feel your desperation through the computer screen and I’ll do my best to explain what I think is going on and what to do about it.

But first, I need to explain that the situation you’re going through is INSANELY common. In fact, they say that the first year after the first baby is born into a family is the absolute hardest year of most people’s marriages, and a radical decline in sex between new parents is a big part of that.

Actually, this reminds me of a “funny” story . . . I was hanging out in Connecticut with a good friend of mine and his wife a few months back when she told a story about going to dinner with a bunch of her college friends and sitting in slack-jawed horror as every one of them except for childless-by-choice her laughed sadly about, how since the kids were born, they often go MONTHS or even YEARS at a time without having sex.

(How you can have a good and satisfying marriage without bonding with and pleasuring your mate on a regular basis is . . . well, there’s a reason most folks don’t have particularly good marriages.)

Anyway . . .

I want you to know that you’re not alone and that there are literally millions of other men and women in the exact same place you are — trying to keep the spark going when you transform from “wife and husband” to “Mom and Dad” and gnawing your fingernails to the nub worrying whether you’re on the road to divorce.

(Quick note: I get plenty of messages from men on this topic as well - feeling like their wives aren’t interested in sex anymore after having a baby - but that usually has a lot more to do with her hormones; her feeling “over-touched” after having a baby in her arms so often; sheer exhaustion and/or just not feeling sexy or attractive even after losing the baby weight.)

So . . .

What the heck is going on and what do you do about it?

Well, your question has a couple different parts to it, so let’s just break this down into a handy-dandy numbered list . . .

1. Why doesn’t your husband want to have sex with you anymore?

I’m not a mindreader and can’t magically peek into your man’s mind, but my gut is telling me this has to do with two big factors that can hit men like a ton of bricks once they become “Daddies.”

A. He’s de-sexualized you because you’re a MOM now and he’s got a block against

“doing that” to somebody’s mother - especially the mother of the baby he sees every day.

OK, this is lame but incredibly common: We live in a culture where sex is often seen as a shameful and dirty thing — something illicit or “Wrong” in some way. For a lot of men (and it sounds like your husband is one of these men) — you having a baby and becoming a MOM flipped a switch in his head from seeing you as “this hot girl I can do dirty things to” to “A MOTHER WHO SHOULD BE RESPECTED AND HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT HER THAT WAY?”

B. He has absolute proof that SEX HAS CONSEQUENCES and can directly lead to ABSOLUTELY LIFE-CHANGING

While most of us learned where babies come from a loooong time ago, there’s a big difference between knowing abstractly that this fun and sexy thing you do with your wife “could” lead to having a baby and seeing first hand what the consequences of playing the naked tango with you can be.

He may love being a dad (or, like most parents, he may love it sometimes and absolutely loathe it other times. Cuz, you know, being a parent is hard and thankless and absolutely exhausting) . . .

But even if he loves your kid, that doesn’t mean he wants to take the risk of accidentally having another one. Even if you use birth control there could be part of his mind that freaks out that having sex with you is going to create a whole new person.

2. Why does he collect the “trophies” that you found?

Now onto your other question about the (seemingly giant amount) of videos of your husband having sex with other women.

First off, I’ve gone on record before that I think going onto somebody’s computer without their explicit permission (and snooping around while you’re there is morally wrong and something to be avoided. You should have a right to a certain level of privacy in your life, even from your spouse.

That said, I think your reason for going onto his computer - looking for baby pics - is valid enough, so I’m not going to give you too much of a hard time about it.

A couple things:

A. Since you were already snooping around, I hope you checked the creation date and the last-opened date on some of the videos (you may have to google how to do this if you aren’t too computer savvy - it’s not hard.)

That would tell you exactly when they were made and when he last watched them so you can be sure these are “old trophies” and not new ones.

Also, I’m really curious what these videos were like - were the women in the videos aware they were being filmed (A OK!) or was this done secretly? (NOT OK IN ANY WAY.)

If he’s got a fetish for filming sex, I’m assuming he probably did or wanted to do the same with you early on to add to his collection.

That said, let’s answer your questions:

A. Why is he keeping his “trophies?”

Well, he’s keeping his trophies because they’re just that: trophies of his “sexual conquests” over the years before he settled down and became a dad. They remind him of a time earlier in his life when he was a seductive stud bringing lady after lady back to his place and freezing in digital amber the sexual experience he had with them.

B. Why hasn’t he deleted his “trophies” since he’s married now?

Um. Probably for the same reason I still have a few naked pictures of women I dated years and years ago deep in the nether-realms of my hard drive - because it makes him feel good to have a reminder of these women who used to be in his life.

Personally I wouldn’t worry too much about the actual existence of these videos (assuming they really are from long ago.) Holding onto them doesn’t say anything particular about how he feels about you or how attracted his is to you — it just means he sometimes likes to relive some past sexual experiences (don’t you? I mean, you must occasionally remember an ex boyfriend or a wild fling, right? Doesn’t mean you don’t love or desire your husband.)

C. Does he look at these videos now?

No idea, though if you found them easily I’d guess yes. Like I said before, he’s probably psychologically de-sexualized you and might be watching these videos as a way to remember his more carefree days. Is it great that he’s probably pleasuring himself while looking at girls he used to be with? Nope. But it also doesn’t mean he wants to be with them instead of you.

So, what do you do?

Ahh, the big and difficult question.

Here’s the thing about marriage and monogamy: when you enter into a monogamous relationship it has a cost, and that cost is that you are now responsible for providing your partner with the sexual gratification that they need. (It’s not exactly fair to tell somebody they can only have sex with you and then not have sex with them, is it?)

It’s all fine and dandy that your husband “just isn’t thinking about sex much right now” (or whatever he said), but that doesn’t change the fact that YOU have sexual needs and it’s his job to help you feel the pleasure you deserve to feel.

So, here’s what I recommend you do:

During a neutral time (not when you’re trying to initiate sex or when there’s something else dramatic going on) say:

“Hey, honey, there’s something I need to talk to you about for a minute.”

Sit down, get a cup of coffee. Tell him you love him. Then you present the problem not in a way that accuses him of anything, but in a way that shows the pain you’re feeling because of this.

Something like: “I want to talk about our sex life. We’ve barely had any sex at all since the baby was born and I miss it. I miss feeling that connected and close with you and I miss the way you used to look at me and the way you used to have this hunger for me. I understand that you say that sex isn’t important to you right now, but it is important to me and I think it’s important to our relationship and our marriage. Can we work together to try to get our sex life back on track?”

Now, he might get defensive here and you need to do your best not to seem like you’re “attacking” him (a lot of men feel kind of humiliated when they don’t want to have sex as often as their wives. Our culture tells us that men are ALWAYS supposed to want to have sex, after all.)

From there, hopefully you can have a conversation where you both LISTEN to each other as you explain what sex means to you in your relationship and what’s going on that’s caused your sexual connection to lapse.

It’s important that you give each other all the time you need to speak without being interrupted. If he says that his sex drive just isn’t there right now, try to get him to tell you WHY and what the timeline has been for his sex drive going away.

Now, it’s totally possible that having this kind of conversation is beyond the communication skills you guys currently have. If that’s the case I highly recommend you go see a couple’s counselor to help you navigate through this.

You may also want to make an appointment with an endocrinologist (hormone doctor) to see if there’s something else going on in your husband medically that could be killing his sex drive.

Is this leading to divorce? Not necessarily. But it could be headed for something just as bad: A passionless marriage. We don’t want that and it’s by no means too late to turn things around.

Hope that helps!

[Judith]

Hi David,

Thank you for taking out time to render me this elaborate answer. I am indeed grateful.