What To Do If A Man Refuses To Grow Up

[Rachael]

My husband and I are in a dispute . . . we have been together for 13 years but got married just 7 weeks ago (Valentine's Day 2014).

Anyway he is 49, he has this friend (Mike) who's 27. He's a womanizer-sleeps with a woman on his lunch break, sleeps with another one that same night, known to get prostitutes when he's on vacation (and probably at other times too).

Mike's other friends, who are around the same age, all have drinking problems to the point where they get so wasted, they bet each other and drink each other's pee - its disgusting.

Anyway our dispute is, my husband is planning a trip with these yahoo's to watch a motocross event and go to see the Mariner's.

I don't think he should be going with the likes of these people.

He says I don't trust him. I say I don't even know how hanging out with these guys even seems attractive to him to want to go.

He says he wants to go to see the events and that him and Mike have a lot in common - work, sports, etc.

I see this guy as wanting my husband to go because my husband has money and will use it freely on his friends . . . he's always picking up the tab.

My husband even admitted that he see's it from my point of view and that if I was to be doing the same thing, he would ask "are you crazy"?

Is there a win-win resolution here at all? Because I'm not seeing one. Am I missing the boat - he says I'm being selfish for keeping him from experiences like this. I say he's being selfish when he can see my side and still says he's going. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Jerome]

Thanks for your question.

Now here’s my question for you . . .

Um . . . why do you care?

Seriously, I just read through your email 5 or 6 times. And I get it: this “Mike” guy is a sexist pig and a jerk and he and his friends act like idiot frat boys even though they’re almost 30 and should be at the stage of their lives where they’re dreaming about picking out china patterns or something.

And they take advantage of your husband (who sounds like a great guy) and let him pick up the tab because he’s older and more successful and can afford it.

But . . .

Um . . .

Why do you care and what are you afraid of?

I mean, it’s actually really easy for me to figure out what’s going on with your husband (who sounds faithful and wonderful and awesome and you’re lucky to have him.)

1. Your husband is quickly creeping up on 50 and has been in a committed relationship with you since his mid thirties. Even though this “Mike” and his friends might be total dummies, your husband gets a vicarious thrill from hanging out with them and hearing about their idiot adventures. You might think your husband is being “taken advantage of” but did it ever dawn on you that he’s getting something in return?

He hangs out with Mike and these guys because it makes him feel young and spikes up the testosterone in his brain again.

2. Mike might be a dummy and a sexist and a womanizer, but he *also* might be a loyal and good friend to your husband.

Does that mean that your husband condones the way Mike treats women? Not necessarily, but it does mean that the way Mike treats women and how wasted he gets isn’t relevant in any way to your husband’s friendship with him. After all, your husband isn’t a woman. He’s not dating Mike. He’s not sleeping with Mike on his lunch break (I hope.)

So that's him.

But what about YOU . . .

Why does this "Mike" guy and the thought of your husband being friend with him put such a bee in your proverbial bonnet? I bet it's totally subconscious but I'd guess that deep down inside you think your husband and who he hangs out with a reflection of you.

And . . . well . . . it's not and he's not.

He's a totally separate person who's made a choice to walk through life with you.

And being a good spouse doesn't mean limiting someone's possibilities, it means expanding them and being their biggest cheerleader (as long as they aren't breaking your trust or the agreements you made.)

So Here’s Your Win/Win in 3 Easy Steps . . .

1. Say “I still think those guys are idiots, but I love you and I trust you and if this is something you really want to do, go ahead. Have a good time.”

2. Um. Damn, I don’t think there’s a step two.

3. Or a step three.

OK, it’s just one easy step.

I know, I know the thought of “giving in” this way makes your skin crawl, but being married doesn’t mean you get to decide who your spouse hangs with or who he or she gets to be friends with UNLESS you have an actual issue with that friend directly.

By the way, I don’t think either of you is being “Selfish” exactly. I think you’re subconsciously worried that you married a man who’s secretly an idiot frat boy (um. And all guys are to some degree.) And he’s worried that you’re trying to control him. (And you are a little bit, but only out of fear.)

So let it go.

Let him go on the trip. Trust him until he gives you an actual reason not to.

And when your husband tells you the stories of the silly stuff these guys did on their trip . . . enjoy it . . . giggle . . . and be glad you married your husband and not

[Rachael]

Thank you Jerome for your answer, I greatly appreciate it.