Marriage confusion please help!

[Butterfly213]

Hi all,
need some advice on my marriage situation thanks. I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years but know him for about 6 years now. From what he always told me he had lots of issues with his family he has 3 half brothers sadly he never met his real dad and his mother never really spoke about it. He explained to me when we met he had a terrible childhood and his mother abused him hit him a lot and he ran away from home a few times even didn't talk to his family for over 5 years at one stage. I on the other hand had a lovely childhood and have very nice parents and younger brother that I'm close to and talk to him daily as well as my mum. My husband was never close to his half brothers they seem to only contact each other when they really have to and his mother forces them all to catch up at her place. His mother my mil is definitely not the nicest of people and can be very rude and disrespectful when she comes to our home I tried talking to my husband about her on a few occassions and he seems to get angry at me tells me his mum is old and tells me to get over it. Same goes for rest of his family he is very defensive of them even though they are not very close in any way makes me uncomfortable to discuss anything about them with him lol they are definitely not the nicest of people and we had some heated screaming arguments over it all and he even got physical with me on a few occassions. We have a beautiful little boy and sadly things keep on getting worse for us now my husband gets jealous the as mount of time our little boy spends with my family his parents are very old and have no interest in babysitting which is fine by me

[Butterfly213]

I just dont know what to do as I can't even discuss the issues I have about his family with him as he gets very defensive almost as he is too scared to discuss with them. He is finally somewhat accepted by them now that he is married with a child and is doing everything to please them even if it means brushing me to the side.
I am so tired of this and have lost lots of respect and love for him just don't know what to do

[Butterfly213]

I'm sorry couldn't fit it all in the same post thanking you in advance for all your help I'm confused and lost dont know what to do cannot believe I married such a messed up man
thanks for listening to me xx

[John]

So what can you do if you're dealing with intolerable in-laws and it's threatening your marriage?

There are four steps. You must take four steps to save the marriage right now. I call those steps "LOVE," which is an acronym. "L" is for like; "O" is for openness; "V" is for value; and "E" is for encourage.

Like

Assuming we're talking about your spouse's relatives, you need to find a way to like them and not put your spouse in the situation of having to be perpetually choosing between you and them.

Make a list of ten things you like about the in-laws in question that you can use to help remind you that they are not so bad. Remember, your spouse has to deal with them pretty much no matter what so it's essential you be sensitive to that and as positive as possible.

If we're talking about your relatives and the onus is on your spouse to deal with them, your job is not to defend your relatives, but to keep a very positive attitude about them. Make a list of ten things you like about your relatives, but pretty much keep it to yourself for your own edification rather than making a big point out of it.

Be Open

It's important that if you feel your relatives don't like you, there might very well be some valid reasons why they don't. Maybe your behavior hasn't been stellar around them. Make a list of ten reasons they might be feeling not so good about you, and be prepared to make changes that would encourage them to respond to you in a more positive way.

If it's your relatives be open to the fact they might not like your spouse and ready to accept that reality. People don't have to like each other, you know. It's just important you find a way to deal with this without having to make a war out of it.

Give Value

If there is something you can do for your in-laws that is considerate and helpful - and it doesn't hurt you or put you in a compromising position - do it! Make a list of ten things you can do to contribute to a positive interaction with the in-laws.

The same thing goes if they are your relatives. Make a list of ten things you can do to make things potentially go more smoothly between your relatives and your spouse. This can pay off big.

Encourage

If you can do it encourage your spouse to be with the relatives (yours or theirs) and get along with them, while still maintaining some caution and being realistic about the potential outcomes. Remember, your spouse is in a delicate and potentially dangerous situation and may be forced to choose if you push him or her. Be very sensitive to this.

Try these four steps and see if you can't use your own positive actions to create a better atmosphere with the in-laws. They likely won't hurt and they have a very good possibility of changing the environment and outcome in a positive way.

[Vivian]

I will suggest you treat your husband's mom and half brothers with love, even though they treat you with disrespect. As time goes on they will be bricked in their conscience, and they will start treating you better.

As for your husband; I'll advice you don't talk about this issue with him anymore to avoid argument.