Boyfriend makes everything my fault? Mommas boy? Bad inlaws?

[xoBarrelRace]

A little back story on us and our relationship. We've been together for three years. From the day I met his parents they hated me, for an unknown reason. They now use the excuse that I'm not a christian because I have tattoos and piercings. (Note my only piercings are tongue, ears, and navel. Nothing inappropriate on my tattoos just a rose tattoo for my mothers passing and a pawprint and heart for my dogs passing. My boyfriend is a huge mommas boy and I think she plays a big role in our problems and same with his sister. He moved in about a year and a half ago. He drives semi and works all day. His sister has always said horrible things to me like go kill yourself so I can spit on your grave, but he doesn't believe me he only believes his family. So he doesn't see his family often, and he makes the excuse that I'm stopping him. Now I've never gotten mad or upset about him visiting his family, UNLESS we have made plans already (see in a minute why) or if more important things need to be done (going to pay bills etc.) The only reason I get upset when he tries to cancel when I have plans is because we make plans 2 weeks before and he tells his family and magically something more important comes up the same day with them. He constantly blames me for not seeing his family, or not going there on holidays (Thanksgiving for example) Planned a month before he promised to bring my grandma here (she can't drive and has been given 2-8 months to live) he promised that he's eat dinner etc. AND IT'S MY FAULT HE DIDN'T see his family. I'm sick and tired of being blamed for everything, and when I try to confront him about it he always says how do you think I feel? And makes me feel awful to the point where i'm hyperventilating from crying so much, same when I talk about how he never stands up for me but will always stand up for them. Advice on this? And dealing with the awful inlaws? It's so bad where if I even put my foot on their property they call the cops. It's awful. Sorry for the long post but it does feel good to vent at the same time. Thanks for any answers. Am I the awful person here?

[Scot]

How In-Laws Can Destroy a Relationship

There are various ways that in-laws can have a destructive influence on your relationship. Some are subtle and hard to detect, and others are obvious.

They can go around saying bad things about you. They can align your spouse against you by making your spouse choose between you and them. They can fight with you, steal from you, threaten you, borrow from you and never pay you back, make horrible messes both literal and personal when they visit you, and they can ignore you and tell everyone it's your fault. Or they can do many other things, obvious or subtle, to potentially make your relationship miserable.

Sometimes they do it intentionally, and other times without really intending to do so.

I'm sure anyone can think of all kinds of slights, rejections, negative messages or other stresses resulting from interactions with the in-laws.

Many couples just shrug such incidents off, while to others it is a really big problem and a major disrupter to the relationship, if not a toxic destructive force. Many couples get divorced as a result of never being able to reconcile with in-laws. The loyalty issues are huge.

How to Save The Relationship From the In-Laws

So what can you do if you're dealing with intolerable in-laws and it's threatening your relationship?

There are four steps. You must take four steps to save the relationship right now. I call those steps "LOVE," which is an acronym. "L" is for like; "O" is for openness; "V" is for value; and "E" is for encourage.

Like

Assuming we're talking about your spouse's relatives, you need to find a way to like them and not put your spouse in the situation of having to be perpetually choosing between you and them.

Make a list of ten things you like about the in-laws in question that you can use to help remind you that they are not so bad. Remember, your spouse has to deal with them pretty much no matter what so it's essential you be sensitive to that and as positive as possible.

If we're talking about your relatives and the onus is on your spouse to deal with them, your job is not to defend your relatives, but to keep a very positive attitude about them. Make a list of ten things you like about your relatives, but pretty much keep it to yourself for your own edification rather than making a big point out of it.

Be Open

It's important that if you feel your relatives don't like you, there might very well be some valid reasons why they don't. Maybe your behavior hasn't been stellar around them. Make a list of ten reasons they might be feeling not so good about you, and be prepared to make changes that would encourage them to respond to you in a more positive way.

If it's your relatives be open to the fact they might not like your spouse and ready to accept that reality. People don't have to like each other, you know. It's just important you find a way to deal with this without having to make a war out of it.

Give Value

If there is something you can do for your in-laws that is considerate and helpful - and it doesn't hurt you or put you in a compromising position - do it! Make a list of ten things you can do to contribute to a positive interaction with the in-laws.

The same thing goes if they are your relatives. Make a list of ten things you can do to make things potentially go more smoothly between your relatives and your spouse. This can pay off big.

Encourage

If you can do it encourage your spouse to be with the relatives (yours or theirs) and get along with them, while still maintaining some caution and being realistic about the potential outcomes. Remember, your spouse is in a delicate and potentially dangerous situation and may be forced to choose if you push him. Be very sensitive to this.

Try these four steps and see if you can't use your own positive actions to create a better atmosphere with the in-laws. They likely won't hurt and they have a very good possibility of changing the environment and outcome in a positive way.

[Brett]

And makes me feel awful to the point where i'm hyperventilating from crying so much, same when I talk about how he never stands up for me but will always stand up for them. Advice on this?

I advice you allow him make decision for himself, because it seems you tend to make decisions for him. Also, most times you have to go out of your comfort to do whatever he decides on. So, even if the decision is unplanned, just go with it. That way you will build a better relationship.

[kristin31]

I understand a lot where you're coming from. My current bf will often somehow blame me for shit I'm not even in the room for :P If you've never done anything to his parents, I would see no reason why they would feel they need to call the cops if you step on their property. Whether they like you or not, they need to accept that their son loves you for who you are. And if you've already been with this guy for three years, then its clearly a serious relationship that could be considered for marriage, and that would be horrible to spend the rest of your life with someone you love but whose parents you hate. I suggest you all sit down together and talk about the tension going on between you all. Be very polite and try ton agree with them as much as possible, but don't let them walk all over you. It's their job to make whoever their son chooses a part of the family and they need to come to terms with that.