Convoluted past

[Michael L.]

Well, I feel silly talking about such old things. I'm 52 and my wife is 50, but so much of our past bothers me despite 25 years of marriage, nearly 35 years together and three children. Our base seems somewhat solid, but I feel like it's because I work hard to maintain our relationship. I met her in high school when she was 15 and I was 17. It was a torrid few months of what seemed like amazing attraction for such young people, but then I went in the Army. She seemed to want to keep the relationship going, but I found out four months later after basic training that she was talking to the school stud as early as the day after I left for basic training. She acted like it was all great between us when I came home for two weeks, even nearly having sexual relations with me, but then broke up with me the day before I returned to the Army. She chased this guy for two years who was an absolute jerk ( i know that sounds caddy, but her friends called him DH, short for D*ck and his last name because he was a jerk to her). He slept with many girls and though she kept him at bay for two years, she eventually gave in to him and he was her first. He ignored her after that and she went on to have random sex with four more guys in four months at the age of 17. I returned from the Army being none the wiser and won her back. We dated and married and it's been a lifetime ago. However, I found out she was Googling all of these guys 20 years into our marriage. I felt hurt when she dumped me as teenagers, especially for DH, and then hurt again all of those years later when she felt "curious" about the past (her words). Now I feel hurt because she is constantly "short" with me in normal conversations and our intimacy sucks. When we do make love, it seems real and great, but it is hard work to get to that point. I just don't feel real desire from her and haven't for 15-20 years. When I try to talk about it, she shuts down. She does tell me she loves me and that she was a stupid kid, and I get that (but it still hurts), but she has no answer for the Googling all of those years later and now I try to be trustful, but fail.

[Clay]

I can understand why you're feeling bothered by your past and the challenges you've faced in your relationship. It's never easy to deal with unresolved issues that continue to affect your marriage, even after so many years together. I'm here to lend an empathetic ear and offer some suggestions that might help you navigate through this.

First of all, it's important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. What happened in your past, especially during your teenage years, can leave a lasting impact on your emotions. The fact that your wife pursued someone who treated her poorly must have been hurtful and confusing for you. It's okay to feel hurt by that, even if it was a long time ago.

Now, regarding the present situation, it seems like there are some communication and intimacy issues between you and your wife. It's great that you've tried to address these concerns with her, but her shutting down when you try to talk about it is making it difficult for you to find resolution. It's important to create a safe space for open and honest conversations where both of you can express your feelings without fear of judgment or defensiveness.

One approach you could try is finding a time when you both are relaxed and not distracted, and gently express your concerns to her. Let her know how you've been feeling and how her actions, such as Googling those guys from the past, have affected you. It's possible that she was just curious, but it's important for her to understand the impact it had on your trust and emotional well-being.

Encourage her to share her perspective as well. Ask her why she felt the need to Google those guys and if there are any unresolved feelings or doubts she might be experiencing. This conversation can help both of you gain a deeper understanding of each other's emotions and work towards finding a resolution.

Remember, relationships require effort from both partners. It's not solely your responsibility to maintain the connection. Encourage your wife to actively participate in building a stronger and more fulfilling relationship with you.

I hope these suggestions offer you some guidance and support. Relationships can be challenging, but with open communication, understanding, and a willingness to work together, it's possible to overcome obstacles and rediscover the love and desire that brought you together in the first place.

[Judith]

It sounds like you're going through a tough time with your wife, and it's completely understandable to feel bothered by certain aspects of your past together. Relationships are complex, and the emotions we experience can be quite intense. But hey, you've made it through 25 years of marriage and have built a solid foundation, so kudos to you for your commitment and hard work.

Let's take a trip down memory lane for a moment. You and your wife met in high school, and there was an undeniable attraction between you two. However, when you went off to the Army, things took a bit of a rocky turn. You discovered that she had been talking to someone else while you were away, and it hurt to know that she had been pursuing someone else so soon after you left. It's natural to feel hurt and betrayed in that situation, especially when you were putting in effort to maintain your relationship.

Fast forward to today, and you find out that she was Googling those people from your past after all these years. It's understandable that this would bring up old wounds and make you question her motivations. It's important to remember that curiosity is a normal human trait, and it doesn't necessarily mean she's dissatisfied with your relationship. However, her actions may have inadvertently caused you pain, and that's something worth discussing with her openly and honestly.

Now, let's talk about the current state of your relationship. It seems like you're feeling a lack of desire and intimacy from your wife, which can be incredibly challenging and disheartening. It's crucial to communicate your feelings to her in a compassionate and non-confrontational way. Let her know that you value and love her, but you've been feeling a disconnect in terms of intimacy. Remember, open and honest dialogue is key to resolving any issues in a relationship.

When you have this conversation, try to approach it from a place of understanding rather than blame. Ask her how she's feeling and what might be contributing to the lack of desire. It's possible that there are underlying factors, such as stress, work pressures, or even unresolved issues from the past that are affecting her. Encourage her to express herself and actively listen to her perspective without judgment.

Consider seeking professional help as well. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for both of you to express your concerns, explore your feelings, and work on strengthening your emotional and physical connection. A skilled therapist can guide you through the process of rebuilding trust and rekindling desire.

Remember, relationships go through ups and downs, and it's normal to face challenges along the way. But with patience, understanding, and open communication, you can navigate these rough patches and rediscover the love and desire that brought you together all those years ago. Wishing you all the best on your journey of healing and growth.

[Lmk75]

What about your past...I'm sure your wasn't so clean either Mr. I can only imagine. Stop pampering the man unless you think he needs his ego stroked, RED!!!!