What is wrong with me?

[Sydoswalt]

im new to this site, but I figured it would be beneficial for me to reach out and get opinions of others! So my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and we are living together. The first 4 months of being together everything was completely fine and great. Now I have relationship anxiety. I put his happiness first and I’m always concerned he is going to be upset with me if I do anything at all without him.... he tells me this is ridiculous and encourages me to go hang out with my friends and says it would never make him angry. I had a verbally abusive boyfriend in the past... he told me he didn’t like my friends and I couldn’t hang out with them, I was not allowed to drink alcohol or basically do anything at all other than sit at home and hang out with him.. but he explained to me that that’s just him caring about me and that’s what you do when you love someone. So I am now conditioned to think that any time I’m not home when my boyfriend is he will be upset... or any time I’m doing basically anything without him, he will be upset. I’m so obsessed with his happiness and I have no idea what to do from here. The past 4 months I have been extremely anxiety ridden, constantly crying, no idea what to do or how to change my thinking pattern. Someone please help

[Malvin]

So I am now conditioned to think that any time I’m not home when my boyfriend is he will be upset... or any time I’m doing basically anything without him, he will be upset.

In life, everything you do must be done in moderation. It's true that he told you he wouldn't be upset if you hangout with your friends. However, if you overdo it and stay away from your home often, he might get upset.

So, it okay to do things without him or hang out with your friends, but don't overdo it.

no idea what to do or how to change my thinking pattern

Always bear in mind that you are in a relationship with someone else. So, no two people are alike in character or otherwise.

[Julia]

Let me be the first to tell you that maintaining a healthy relationship is not the easiest thing to do. You have to work at it and you have to work hard! Some people have a difficult time maintaining their personal health and individuality. When committing to a relationship you are in essence sharing yourself with someone, therefore it is expected that you would maintain the health of this important union for the success of the partnership. What often happens when you start at the gym and you lose motivation? You guessed it, you stop going. To keep the momentum going and the love flowing we are going to do some preventive maintenance so you don't lose your motivation. Let's discuss a few healthy relationship tips that will keep you motivated in your relationship.

Create Memories. Try various activities together and have some fun. Create great memories by taking up a new hobby, or travelling together. Most any activity you do together that you enjoy will produce positive memories. So do something that you both can enjoy and develop wonderful remembrances of the times. These memories will serve you well when your relationship hits a rough patch, as most relationships do. You can reflect back on the good times and they will sustain you while going through the rocky roads on your relationship journey. The times you share will be forever with you as your relationship grows.

Be Sensitive. Don't be rough and abrasive. Some say they prefer a more overt personality, others say they like the conservative and timid type, and truth is we all want something in between. Be attentive to your partner when expressing yourself. Be mindful of your partner's perspective and opinion. Showing your partner your sensitive side is not a sign of weakness, it actually reflects how much you respect and care. Being delicate with certain situations can benefit the integrity of the relationship in the long run. And there is no doubt the kindness will returned with kindness.

Forget. It goes against the norm to be told to forget rather than remember things. It seems so easy to remember the bad things that happen in your relationship. So this will be the total opposite of what you are used to doing. You are going to consciously forget the bad things and attempt to move forward without looking back. If you and your partner have discussed the issues and talked things through, don't keep looking back. Maintain focus on the positive and do not dwell on the bad.

Have Fun! Being with the one you love is supposed to be fun and fabulous. There is a great deal of excitement that goes along with finding the "one" to share your life with and making a commitment. Now it is obvious that every waking moment will not be joyous, but you should be reasonably happy to be with the one you chose. Don't be a heavy and bring down yourself or your partner. Make it a habit to laugh and smile as often as possible. If you are genuinely not happy, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your partnership.

Date. Go out on the town! Let go of the day's stress and let your hair down. Enjoy the company of your partner. Sometimes life gets us so caught up that we forget to take time for ourselves and often our relationship gets put on a back burner. Make plans for your date; put it on your planner and to-do-list. A lunch date would suffice in the middle of a busy week or a quiet dinner date at your favorite restaurant can turn a blah day into a romantic delight. It doesn't matter the time or day, just be to do it.

Time Apart. This is another one of those tips that may seem a little unorthodox, but it is imperative for the success of your relationship. You are both individuals, you will have different views, different perspectives and probably different friends. With all these differences surely you will enjoy different things. To be sure that you maintain your individuality within your relationship, you will find it necessary to spend time apart. Respect each other and discuss the parameters of the time and the amount of time you will spend apart.

Reminisce. Go back in time within the memories that you have created and pull out the best of the best. This is a time of nostalgia that should bring relaxation and memories of good times for you both. Take a moment now to recall some of your best times and ruminate over the rush of feelings you have. This is also something you can do when you are relaxing, and it is sure to put you in a good mood. As a thank you for those good memories and good times, pass on those positive feelings to your partner.

Honesty. The truth holds no secrets. Allowing your partner to view your transparency will gain you respect. Honesty is something that is often requested and some couples never totally give or get it. This is something that you should strive for in your relationship. You will share more, trust more and inevitably love more. Maintaining honesty is the best policy, dishonesty is usually uncovered, besides it's not worth the pain and frustrations it can cause.

Although this list is not all-inclusive, it does contain the bulk of what you need to sustain a healthy relationship. We are all individuals and what works for some may not work for others so use this list and add some things to cater specifically to your partnership.

Relationships Designed is a successful relationship coaching company that has been delivering a message of motivation, success, and relationship enrichment since 2009. We work with women and couples who are stuck in their relationship cycles and need new avenues of approach to meet common goals with their partners or in their personal lives.