How to deal with my angry boyfriend

[everjoy]

First i would to introduce myself. Am Everjoy. When my boyfriend is angry he becomes so cold and it is even difficult to talk to him, he will be giving me one word answers. We live in different countries so if i try not to talk to him it makes me look like am angry with him yet the way he responds to my messages is so confusing. I tried asking him if it was ok for me not to give him any updates since we are running a business together and he told me that i should learn how to talk to a man. My boyfriend has serious mood swings and he is very sensitive but no matter how calm you talk to him when he is angry does not change him. I would like to know if it is ok to totally ignore him during this time.

[Roy]

Get him to forgive. Forgiveness cures anger.

Outlets for anger are a band-aid approach. Outlets like venting, yelling, exercise, punching bags are not a cure. Outlets are temporary patches that may or may not lead to forgiveness which cures our anger. An outlet can easily lead to just more anger (not always but sometimes). An outlet can even perpetuate anger, encourage it to grow.

Managing our anger is also just a bandage – probably a better bandage than outlets. Counting to ten, going for a walk, laughing, listening to music, or changing the topic may frustrate us because we have not dealt with our anger.

What you are really asking for is how do I completely resolve my anger, as in be completely free from it? With an underlying hidden question of, “How do I completely resolve what is causing me to be angry so I do not get angry to begin with?” Preventing anger is a much more complex answer.

Of course an outlet can release a lot of frustration and lessen the anger but what is actually happening when we do that? There is a much better, easier, faster, much less work way to instantly and completely resolve our anger. Then we can go do those other contact sports and really enjoy them. You do not control anger. (The cure is below.) Attempting to control anger (or most emotion) is a recipe for disaster. Control is something we use in logic or with objects (like this computer). Emotion follows very different rules. But, again, don’t confuse there being rules to emotion that those rules makes sense or are logical – sometimes they are, sometimes not. Just do what works instead. Managing anger is a better term but it still lacks a complete resolution of our anger.

There is a cure for anger – a complete resolution. It works instantly, every single time, if you do it. Here is how to you’re your anger in less than two seconds. Forgiveness. Forgiveness cures your anger. That is it. 100%. Works every single time. Just do that.

BUT it will not stop your parents, family, siblings, friends, boss, coworkers, neighbors, politicians, Hollywood, skin heads, Koreans (probably just one North Korean, ha!), the weather, mountains, air quality, global warming, grass growing wrong, mail not being delivered on time, and so (sorry about that, wanted to exaggerate to make a point to be completely inclusive of ANYTHING that might make anybody angry) you will get angry again. Forgiveness will not stop them from getting you angry again. Forgiveness does NOT prevent anger. That is done through learning and mastering mature communication skills to get your needs met. So be sure to do that too.

Forgiveness will not stop them from getting to you again! That is a whole other skill there. Communicate to them that this needs to stop and why it needs to stop. When you do it - be nice about it. Be overly nice about it and persistent. Learning to assert your needs takes time and practice.

Learn to forgive as soon as you get angry. Then your anger is gone. After all, holy crap, getting pissed off so much is a lot of work. Sure – you get the instant gratification of violence but at what cost? Does not seem worth it to me. I much prefer getting my real needs met in healthy ways. That way I get much better results and a more enjoyable life. You can’t over forgive.

It is good that you don’t like what this expression of anger is doing to you. It is usually not a healthy way to express anger. It is escalating to get attention, be validated, establish boundaries, and have respect. Side note – a temporary form of releasing anger that is better than hitting walls (but not anywhere near just forgiving) is to take up a low contact sport such as tennis, racquetball, golf, or bowling. I DO NOT recommend football, basketball, soccer or any other sport that will have physical contact for you under these conditions (certainly fun for learning teamwork and stuff) for obvious reasons. Those sports will just perpetuate your anger. Those people playing those sports are actually doing it for very different, valid reasons. You will probably not be able to do it like them. Tennis, for example, is acceptable in our society because you get to release some anger by hitting the ball as hard as you can. Whoops, take golf off the list. That will probably only make you angrier, ha! But it is nowhere near what forgiveness will do. If you are not ready or able to forgive go play some tennis until you are too tired to be angry anymore. Then forgive. Did I say forgiveness cures anger yet?

Remember – forgiveness is not trust. Forgiving people does not mean you have to accept their behavior. Often people confuse these two things. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to trust them. They will probably just keep doing what they do that makes you angry until you set boundaries with them. So forgiveness does not automatically create boundaries either.

We forgive to get them out of our heads. We forgive to be free from the negative influence of them. People put so many things on forgiveness that do not work. Do not do that, just forgive.

(I know I keep posting basically the same thing – just in case each poster is taking the time to read someone else’s thread. I also add some personalization to each one - except this one. Hope that makes up for it.)

Forgiveness will help you lose your pent up anger but it will not stop it from continuing to build up quickly as it seems like yours does. First thing is don’t spend too much time trying to forgive the hardest people in your life (whoever has offended you the most: parents, siblings, predators – they all go last). You must start small because forgiveness is a muscle. It took me a few years to build up to the most difficult people in my life. Start small. Real small. So small you wouldn’t even think it would matter. And start with someone you actually like. Maybe they borrowed a pencil and didn’t give it back? Or whatever. This way, by starting small, you will actually have a chance at successfully doing it. Starting big usually has a high rate of failure but maybe you are the exception.

And remember, you actually have to forgive. No pretending or half measures here. Completely forgive because forgiveness cures anger.

[Gloria]

I am a short-tempered person and I'd like to give you my perspective on this.

When I was younger, I was extremely short-tempered for reasons that I can't explain on a public forum. At that time I didn't even understand why I was like that and I was unapologetic about it. Things as simple as classmates talking too loud, the bus getting delayed, someone asking too many questions would make me angry and I used to make no effort to hide it or keep it to myself.

Quite understandably, I had no friends. Things changed in 8th Grade. I made a friend; rather she chose to be my friend. When I would get angry, we would have arguments. But later, when we made up, she would talk sense into me. It made a bit of difference and for the first time I realized it is not natural to be this way.

The next important change came in my college life. I had a bunch of friends, who were quite understanding of my changing moods. In fact, they were so understanding and forgiving that it actually made me feel guilty about my anger issues. The unconditional affection of my friends, coupled with the extreme guilt I felt, acted as a very good motivator for me to make a conscious effort to address my anger issues.

From then on, every time I felt angry I reminded myself that -
1. it is not natural to yell or do anything extreme
2. you can't think straight when you are angry, so cease doing or saying anything till you calm down
3. i tried calming down by stepping away from the situation for a while, drinking a glass of water or walking it off. Once calm, I would come back and address the issue.

This was a very difficult process for me as I was used to flying off the handle. But I kept doing it every time I got agitated. Over years I learned to control my temper to a certain extent.

I still faulter at times, but I try to make up for it by accepting my mistake later and apologizing. The people around me are kind enough to forgive me and accept me back.

So, my advice to you is -
1. talk to your boyfriend openly about this and tell him how you feel.
2. be forgiving and supportive, this will go a long way in motivating him to address the problem. At the same time, don't let yourself be treated like a doormat - if you think you can't take this, politely convey it to him and detach yourself from the situation.
3. ask him to practice calming himself down in tough situations.

You will have to be extremely patient. If you push too hard, that can actually work backwards.

Hope this helps.