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Hi everyone,
So I am looking for advice, since I am not sure what to do. I feel a lot of stress about this. Excuse me if I make any mistakes in grammar, since English isn't my first language. Thank you.
So I have been with my BF for around a month. It's a long distance relationship, since we both live on different continents. Let's call him J. I think he's really amazing. We get along well and he makes me laugh a lot. He makes my days way better. We just have some problems and I don't know what to do to solve it.
It starts with that he says things at the wrong timing. I am not sure how to explain that. Sometimes he makes jokes that bother me. Kind of awkward jokes. So for instance he was telling me about an experience he had and mentioned the hot ladies that were there. This upset me, but I let it slide. Then another time we had a big problem. I deal with severe depression and anxiety. So occasionally I have anxiety attacks. This time I had one and he reacted in a very defensive way. Almost like blaming me for it, when all I wanted was to be reassured. He just reacts in a very defensive way. Even when I tell him I want to be reassured, he doesn't. Instead he tells me perhaps it's better to leave the relationship or something similar. This gives me even worse anxiety and yeah..
. This one time I couldn't stop crying and he kept on going on. Or he tells me that whenever he says something I get hurt. So kind of guilt tripping me. Since I end up thinking okay well.. sorry then. When he said something that hurt me, and I tell him he doesn't try. He just says that he can't fix it. That he can't fix the issue we're having when he did something wrong. Or that he doesn't know what to do. So that makes me think okay well.. then now what? He doesn't try to get me to forgive him when we have a problem. At most he only says he's sorry and then expects me to be okay with that.
Then this other time I was telling him about something. We talked about a spa treatment I had done. I was quite satisfied, but shocked about one thing. I said that the lady was topless, which I thought was a bit unheard of(but it's okay in her culture.) And in reference to that he responded and said that the topless lady sounds good. This was also after my anxiety attack. Right after actually. So it hit me really hard. Then I tried getting over it, but I just couldn't. So the next day he asked me how I was doing and I told him I wasn't doing well and dealing with anxiety and that his comment really hurt me. So he proceeded to turn his phone off and ignore me for an entire day. While I was in a really bad state. All I wanted was to just talk about it, vent etc. But he just ignored me. I couldn't sleep and kept thinking about what I did wrong, if I am the problem, if he wants to leave..
His response the next day was that he turned his phone off since he was gonna write me an angry message but he didn't and left. I just don't understand. Since why do I deserve an angry message in the first place? I didn't do anything wrong, right? It's just that if this is how he is going to respond then I won't tell him anything that bothers me. If he just leaves then I definitely won't tell him anything. Or let's say if I am angry in the future, I won't tell him. Since I am guessing he will just leave or be angry about it. He says that if he thinks or feels there is any aggression he responds with aggression? Which kind of scares me to be honest. Since if there is anger, even justified anger he will respond with anger? It just isn't right. I wasn't even really angry at the time. I was just hurt and sad. I needed to get it off my chest and talk about it. He just immediately assumed I was trying to argue and that I was angry. That's sort of what he immediately thinks. He says that's just his reaction. But I guess I won't tell him the next time. It just scares me to be honest. I come from an abusive family and have a past in that, so it really scares me. I just don't feel safe or comfortable at all. He always says he's there for me, that he cares about me, loves me etc. But honestly I doubt it. Since you don't treat someone you care about in that way. He isn't there for me, since he is just there when it's convenient. He also gets upset when I tell him I doubt it.
Another problem we had is when I was having another anxiety attack. And I wanted to talk about it, but he kept on leaving to play with his puppy. And changing to subject to himself. So when he does that I feel guilty, since now I can't talk about it because he clearly doesn't want to. He just tends to get selfish when it comes to that. He also says he can't read me. But even if I tell him I feel sad, or give him signs he just doesn't want to talk about it. If I am very quiet or something he doesn't pick up on it and thinks I am fine. And this one time he says that he just kind of doesn't talk about things. I mean that let's say something bothers him or he had a bad day or anything similar he doesn't like to talk about it. So I guess he expects me to be the same way? But I feel like you should be able to talk to someone you're with. If you want to talk, you should be able to feel safe to do so.
Anyway yeah. I don't know what to do. I feel really unhappy and sad. I have cried so much because of him and I had terrible days because of him, but he doesn't seem to understand. It just really affects. All I ever wanted was just to be loved. Really loved and someone that would really care for me. I have tried to put my trust and faith in him, even though it was really hard because of my past. But he keeps disappointing me and making me feel unhappy. I am already going through things and this just makes it worse. He is also dealing with problems at home, so I try to be mindful of that and not bother him much. I try to help him too and be there for him. It just feels like he doesn't want to be with me at all. That I would do anything for him, but that he just doesn't feel the same way. And that hurts me a lot. I just don't know what to do. What can we do about this? Am I the one that's doing things wrong? I hope anyone can help me. Thank you.
So I am looking for advice, since I am not sure what to do. I feel a lot of stress about this. Excuse me if I make any mistakes in grammar, since English isn't my first language. Thank you.
So I have been with my BF for around a month. It's a long distance relationship, since we both live on different continents. Let's call him J. I think he's really amazing. We get along well and he makes me laugh a lot. He makes my days way better. We just have some problems and I don't know what to do to solve it.
It starts with that he says things at the wrong timing. I am not sure how to explain that. Sometimes he makes jokes that bother me. Kind of awkward jokes. So for instance he was telling me about an experience he had and mentioned the hot ladies that were there. This upset me, but I let it slide. Then another time we had a big problem. I deal with severe depression and anxiety. So occasionally I have anxiety attacks. This time I had one and he reacted in a very defensive way. Almost like blaming me for it, when all I wanted was to be reassured. He just reacts in a very defensive way. Even when I tell him I want to be reassured, he doesn't. Instead he tells me perhaps it's better to leave the relationship or something similar. This gives me even worse anxiety and yeah..
. This one time I couldn't stop crying and he kept on going on. Or he tells me that whenever he says something I get hurt. So kind of guilt tripping me. Since I end up thinking okay well.. sorry then. When he said something that hurt me, and I tell him he doesn't try. He just says that he can't fix it. That he can't fix the issue we're having when he did something wrong. Or that he doesn't know what to do. So that makes me think okay well.. then now what? He doesn't try to get me to forgive him when we have a problem. At most he only says he's sorry and then expects me to be okay with that.Then this other time I was telling him about something. We talked about a spa treatment I had done. I was quite satisfied, but shocked about one thing. I said that the lady was topless, which I thought was a bit unheard of(but it's okay in her culture.) And in reference to that he responded and said that the topless lady sounds good. This was also after my anxiety attack. Right after actually. So it hit me really hard. Then I tried getting over it, but I just couldn't. So the next day he asked me how I was doing and I told him I wasn't doing well and dealing with anxiety and that his comment really hurt me. So he proceeded to turn his phone off and ignore me for an entire day. While I was in a really bad state. All I wanted was to just talk about it, vent etc. But he just ignored me. I couldn't sleep and kept thinking about what I did wrong, if I am the problem, if he wants to leave..
His response the next day was that he turned his phone off since he was gonna write me an angry message but he didn't and left. I just don't understand. Since why do I deserve an angry message in the first place? I didn't do anything wrong, right? It's just that if this is how he is going to respond then I won't tell him anything that bothers me. If he just leaves then I definitely won't tell him anything. Or let's say if I am angry in the future, I won't tell him. Since I am guessing he will just leave or be angry about it. He says that if he thinks or feels there is any aggression he responds with aggression? Which kind of scares me to be honest. Since if there is anger, even justified anger he will respond with anger? It just isn't right. I wasn't even really angry at the time. I was just hurt and sad. I needed to get it off my chest and talk about it. He just immediately assumed I was trying to argue and that I was angry. That's sort of what he immediately thinks. He says that's just his reaction. But I guess I won't tell him the next time. It just scares me to be honest. I come from an abusive family and have a past in that, so it really scares me. I just don't feel safe or comfortable at all. He always says he's there for me, that he cares about me, loves me etc. But honestly I doubt it. Since you don't treat someone you care about in that way. He isn't there for me, since he is just there when it's convenient. He also gets upset when I tell him I doubt it.
Another problem we had is when I was having another anxiety attack. And I wanted to talk about it, but he kept on leaving to play with his puppy. And changing to subject to himself. So when he does that I feel guilty, since now I can't talk about it because he clearly doesn't want to. He just tends to get selfish when it comes to that. He also says he can't read me. But even if I tell him I feel sad, or give him signs he just doesn't want to talk about it. If I am very quiet or something he doesn't pick up on it and thinks I am fine. And this one time he says that he just kind of doesn't talk about things. I mean that let's say something bothers him or he had a bad day or anything similar he doesn't like to talk about it. So I guess he expects me to be the same way? But I feel like you should be able to talk to someone you're with. If you want to talk, you should be able to feel safe to do so.
Anyway yeah. I don't know what to do. I feel really unhappy and sad. I have cried so much because of him and I had terrible days because of him, but he doesn't seem to understand. It just really affects. All I ever wanted was just to be loved. Really loved and someone that would really care for me. I have tried to put my trust and faith in him, even though it was really hard because of my past. But he keeps disappointing me and making me feel unhappy. I am already going through things and this just makes it worse. He is also dealing with problems at home, so I try to be mindful of that and not bother him much. I try to help him too and be there for him. It just feels like he doesn't want to be with me at all. That I would do anything for him, but that he just doesn't feel the same way. And that hurts me a lot. I just don't know what to do. What can we do about this? Am I the one that's doing things wrong? I hope anyone can help me. Thank you.
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