I Don't Know How To Act Around Her Now.......

[WhatAbout Me]

Please forgive me as this may get a little long.....

I was with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. We met at work and started doing little things together outside of work and it eventually turned into a full on relationship. I never thought about having a relationship with her but the more time we spent together the more right it felt to move it to the next level. So we did and things got even better. We could talk and laugh for hours or just be sitting with each other watching tv and it always seemed perfect. She was my best friend! She was the first person besides my daughter that I wanted to see or talk to in the morning and at night.
I need to give a little info about us. We are both in our 40's but she is a few years older. She is divorced with grown children and I have never been married but do have a minor child. She is very close to her sister that used to live in a nearby state but about a year ago moved across the country following a divorce of her own.

Back to the issue. Things went pretty good for the next couple of years. We had a couple of hiccups along the way but nothing that deterred either one of us. Then she goes to visit her sister following her cross country move and she fell in love with the state, city and everything around it and began talking about wanting to move there to be closer to her sister. I honestly thought it was more wishful thinking and we never really sat down and talked about it actually happening. She goes and visits a few more time over the year and she just got back from her most recent trip last week.

A couple of days before she left on her last visit, she sent a text saying that she needed a break from us and that her heart wasn't in it. She hoped that we could remain friends I was completely blind sided by this and honestly I didn't know how to react or respond. I have to throw this in here that I am extremely shy and scared about talking about my true feelings and have been for the past few years following a bad breakup and rejection. I am certain that this contributed to her decision to end things since there was never any discussion of future plans together such as living together or anything like that. I have always been the one to use the love word first in the past and I truly feel that I love her and can see a future with her but I was to scared to say it so all I could say back to her text was if her heart is not into it, I have to respect that.....then she left a couple of days later to visit her sister. We talked a few times while she was gone but it felt more like obligatory texts and calls. Then one evening she calls and tells me that she bought a house a couple of blocks from her sister and is planning to move in a few months. She flew back home the next day.

So she is back home and back to work. I am having a hard time dealing with all of this and it is tearing me up inside. When she got back I went by to drop off her mail and ended up on her couch telling her all my feelings that I had been keeping inside. She cried a little bit but really didn't say much except for I knew she wanted to move and she hoped that we could be friends like we were before we started a relationship and that she wants me to come out and visit. I want to be a part of her life and sometimes it seems easy. We spent last Thursday together running around and it was great. I didn't want to leave or let go of the goodbye hug. A couple of days later on my way to work I hear a song on the radio and she instantly pops in my mind and all I want is to hug her and hold her and kiss her like we used to do. I see her at work and she is laughing and giggling with everybody and I am just sitting in the corner depressed and withdrawn and my mind racing. I try to put on the smile and brave face around her but most of it is an act and truthfully I mostly just want cry because I still have every feeling for her and not a single one has changed. I am at a complete loss as to how to control these emotions and feelings I have for her. I so badly want to hug her when I see her but I don't because I don't think she wants any of that.

I need some advice on controlling my feelings around her and how to deal with the hurt that's in my heart every time I see her. Thank You All!

[Brett]

First things first. Mourn. Cry. Eat a tub of ice-cream. Talk to someone. Curl up in bed or on your sofa with your favorite socks until you want to get up. Anything. Anything to make you feel better. There's no rush. Take your time. There's no point drowning yourself in work or other activities, trying not to think about it. You only postpone confronting your feelings. A stupid thing to do, because sooner or later they will catch up with you. You can ignore them, but they're lurking there somewhere. The first few days are not the time to be rational - or to try to be rational. The first few days are the time to be emotional and unreasonable and illogical and foolish. And you have the right to be.

When you're in a little better shape, let's try to put things in perspective. Breaking up is not always a matter of not being good enough. Good enough for who? Things just don't work out sometimes: the circumstances are wrong, there are other things that need to be taken care of, and once in a while even the most intimate couples need time off from each other.

Rather than obsessively seeking explanations to the way things turn out, why not let things run their course for a chance? Being in a relationship demands emotional involvement. Sometimes you need to give yourself time and take a step back from the relationship to be able to see it from different angles. Try bringing a book very close to your face. Can you read it? Can you make out the sentences? Being deeply involved in a relationship is similar to bringing a printed page too close to your face: you can't see things clearly - you miss the larger picture - because you are too emotionally involved. Spending time apart can give you the time and distance you need to see things in a new, sometimes clearer, light. Let go. Don't hold on to feelings of anger, sadness or hatred; start thinking about your next step. Don't regret anything. You learn something from every experience. Yes, even from the most appalling ones.

Collect the things that are likely to remind you of your ex and put them away somewhere. If you want to sort them out later, do that - but not until you've given yourself enough time and space. Rearranging your living space can help too. Make a new beginning. You're done with one phase of your life. Reorganizing your bedroom can signify a new beginning. If anything, physical activity will help keep niggling thoughts at bay. This will occupy your mind and help you deal better with leftover pain.

Do things that you've always wanted to do but haven't got time for. Now that you have more time on your hands, it's time to try some new things. Take that cooking class you've been meaning to take, probably, take a random drive around town, or catch up with an old friend over dinner. Recognize that there are other things you can take pleasure in apart from the relationship you have just gotten out of.

Realize that, even when you may be in the dumps for quite a long time, the feeling won't last forever. You will be seeing other people and be involved in other relationships. Don't be too hard on yourself: the breakup shouldn't make hesitant to enter into another relationship out of fear of being hurt or out of the thinking that you are not good enough to be in a relationship. Relationships work two ways. It takes two people to make a relationship work.

[Julia]

It IS difficult to know what the heck is good and what's not when it comes to love and relationships. Better to splash some cold water on this notion. Take a more candid look before you venture down that path.

BREAK UP IS BEREAVEMENT

Think of your "post break up" as a process of mourning...because it IS. Your heart hurts. You feel in this dark hole, numb and pleading 'when does this heartache end'? The dilemma being how to deal with heartbreak and bury this pain pronto!

But...there are stages to grieving lost love. Naturally, plenty of us prefer skipping a few. Getting over your ex is hard! Hellish hard. Why not avoid the tough parts. Like maybe escape into the arms of someone else to shut out the past hurt. Sleeping with someone may temporarily fill the emptiness. Beware! It's a short lived prescription for break up pain.

RESTLESS BUT NOT RATIONAL

No doubt the craving is quite compelling to swiftly erase your hurt. Still, a knee jerk reaction is not how to deal with heartbreak in a healthy way. All your restless thoughts fuel unsettling feelings...and distort your reasoning. Not thinking clearly, those erratic emotions nudge you into acting impulsively.

Instead of getting over heartbreak hell, a sexual fling ends up a detour prolonging it! The exact opposite of what you want. It's your shield against facing the relationship ended. Seriously, reflect on it...how many people have you known to truly heal their heartache by sleeping with someone else? And by the way--stifle any musings about your ex becoming jealous over this.

GET AN AGENDA TO AID NOT ARREST GETTING OVER HEARTBREAK

Taking more constructive measures for tackling how to deal with heartbreak plucks you from the clutches of pain without sabotaging your sanity. Essential to enduring loss, romantic or otherwise, is recapturing hope! Yes, sounds sappy. No, that won't get me on the talk shows. You need what works not something catchy.

How's that work? Let the past be the past. You can't change how you were hurt in the past. Learn what you can from it and let it go. Hang onto the past, and it holds you hostage from your future.

Here's the stone cold point. Your healing will take a hike until you make peace with the past. Romance will find you again only when you free yourself from your past. Say goodbye to it. Let go! Then fix your gaze ahead not behind. This is your 'fork in the road'. Shrink back from it...and you'll stay stuck in emotional free fall.

Once you've kissed the past farewell, forgive yourself the relationship ended! Relationships are fragile and can fail. Learning how to deal with heartbreak means releasing all those hurt feelings inside. Keeping everything bottled up is not healthy for healing or your sanity. Let the sorrow gush out of you. Then, your heart will have room for romance...when you're ready again.