Should I Break It Off or Keep The Faith? All Advice Welcomed...

[LonelyNLove98.5]

Bo (29yo) and I (24yo) are 3 years in the making. However, we have tendencies that show we shouldn't be together.

1) Our life is boring outside of work.

We don't do anything or go places except fast food and watching tv/movies together. We're tight on money trying to afford this cruise and, on top of him working as a gas station attendant and I as an IT technician, we don't have the funds for anything. I basically pay for the rent ($750), majority of the utilities, and help cover whatever Bo doesn't have on his car note ($688) and phone bill ($65). I simply work and come home or go see my family members. This is very depressing for me and I've tried seeking out professional help but Bo opposes to any claims of mental health saying I can change it myself without having to put a stranger in our business.

2) Our perspectives are totally different.

From our conversations, I see I have a one-track mind and Bo is constantly trying to break me from this habit. On the other hand, I feel like Bo is just too advanced for me. He's able to analyze a situation within mere seconds while I spend 20-minutes in the ice cream aisle trying to figure out which flavor I want. Another thing is Bo is very positive and doesn't dwell on doubts or fears where I am an introvert and always have doubtful thoughts or worst-case-scenarios. He tries to help me with that too but I've been negative for years at this point and it's difficult for me to break the cycle and hush those thoughts. My mind is not on the level Bo's is. He had to deal with life early at a young age (1st child at 19, living on his own since 16, etc) and his mind has developed to

3) Our communication is broken.

Bo can tell me a story about his day, I'll repeat what he said how I interpreted it and Bo will say that I didn't listen at all. Bo is a literal man. He means exactly what he says. I didn't say it exactly how he put it but in the way that I am understanding it. We have a lot of awkward silence. He says he has to walk on eggshells because he fears how I will react to certain things he says, and honestly I feel the same way about him. I feel I can't be my true self around him even though he says I can. I do or say something and Bo's feedback sounds like straight up criticism. I confronted him about this and he said that's just how he talks. Says he never had any other females complain about how he talks except me. He tried to change it by not saying much, but then he states that he can't talk to me about anything without me getting antsy about what he said. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my voice and tone change depending on how I'm feeling at the moment, but I would rather he be brutally honest than to feel like he can't talk to me.

4) Bo has babymama drama every now and then.

Bo has 2 daughters by different mothers. One daughter lives in Atlanta now and the other just moved back from Texas. The one from Texas has got to be the pettiest mother I've seen thus far. She doesn't let Bo see his daughter unless she needs some alone time. She always complains about Bo not doing anything for them and that is totally not true. He would do anything for his daughter but the mother hates that Bo won't cater to her needs too. Bo shouldn't have to since they are not together but she always uses this as a reason for us not to see his daughter. With me being his fiance, I'm often thrown in the mix. I tried voicing my opinion before but Bo slick says I just don't understand so I just listen when he goes on his rants.

The one in ATL is totally opposite. She will literally drive back for Bo to see his child and she made him give her daughter his last name when the baby mother #1 wouldn't allow him too. Baby mama #2 is chilled and pushes for Bo to do right by me. Baby mama #1 slick wants Bo back but he said he will never ever ever take her back because he can't trust her. Baby mama #1 constantly threatens to slap me when she sees me or says she doesn't trust her daughter around me and I have done nothing to neither her or her daughter. Bo says she's crazy and to just ignore it. However, I feel that if I'm going to be a stepmom, I at least want to do it in peace and harmony with the mother.

5) I feel Bo will be better off without me.

I believe that a couple is together because they bring out the best in each other. It's unfair to Bo that he has to constantly defer my negative thoughts and outputs. If I try to help Bo, he kind of shrugs it off because he's already thought to handle the part I tried to help with. Therefore, my help goes unneeded. I want to make him a better man, and he says I do, but I don't see how when he's simultaneously acting as the grown up when I'm having my daily meltdowns.

Our first year of dating, I was still doing me while Bo chased me asking for my time. I cheated on Bo numerous times while keeping it secret until we moved into our first apartment together. I painted him a picture of a good girl that only went to school and went home but that was not the case at all. Basically hanging out with anyone will to spend their money on a meal or a movie, I often left Bo hanging high and dry until I had this fatal accident. I fell asleep at the wheel and ran into a ditch. Bo felt it and was the 1st person to call and see if I was ok. During my hospital stay, none of my friend guys paid a visit but Bo never left my side. So when I was released, I dropped communication with everyone else (no explanation) and tried to make it work with Bo.

Relationships are built off of trust and honesty - neither of which I gave to Bo. To this day, he doesn't quite know all the details of my past endeavors and this is one of the reasons he doesn't want to marry me yet. He says he doesn't really know me and know my past and he has this fear that since I lied about that then I will lie about anything and he can't trust me.

6) I wear my heart on my sleeve.

As stated before, my face and my tone of voice tells all with me. If I'm frustrated, sad, happy, or whatever, my voice and face will show it. Unfortunately, Bo is always being victim to my wrath. He hears the frustration and automatically thinks he's the problem when that's not always true. I go in a trance a lot, really just playing out my thoughts in my head, and Bo always thinks I'm thinking of an ex or not wanting to be there. Once again, this is not true. I'm just thinking non-stop - a practice I should learn how to break. But dealing with anxiety and feeling like people are watching me everywhere I go, this is EXTREMELY difficult. I've been working on how to stop it for months. But without the professional therapy or antidepressants, the journey is hard doing it cold turkey.

This is just a few but they aren't numbered by severity or importance. I just want us to be happy. Somebody please chime in. Do I just need to tough it out or do we need to start over without each other? If the relationship isn't going anywhere and he's still a stranger to me, then why are we still together? By stranger I mean he can predict my thoughts and actions but I haven't gotten to that point with him yet. I have a lot to learn still after almost 3 years.

[Malvin]

A healthy and balanced relationship should have the following indisputable qualities:

- A sense of respect for each other. Your better half should have the ability to offer you the same regard that is expected from you as well. This will typically involve the respect for your special individuality, including your ability to laugh at both yourself and others and thus your attitude towards humor.

Additionally this involves a feeling of respect for your rational decisions under all possible circumstances. It is also about approving your choices and fully understanding it. In basic terms therefore, shared regard in a partnership means that you value each other's differences and also fully understand, yet not consciously attempt to alter each other's individuality that identifies you as a special person.

- Honesty with each other. This ought to go together with openness, as trust is based on exactly how truthful your partner is to you. How can you rely on someone who cannot be straightforward with you? You'll have doubts the next time he tells you where he's going or who he's going with, especially once you've caught your partner in a major lying scandal.

- A sincere trust for one another. Rely on a means of understanding that your companion is devoted to you, regardless of exactly how many tempting possibilities surrounding him at that time. When you are in the same space and happen to see your boyfriend talking to a new girl, you would know deep inside that your partner loves you enough to not possibly mess around.

Everyone is qualified and human enough to really feel envious. It is nevertheless, a very normal emotion, and the manner in which you react to that emotion is what will certainly count. Envious and negative type behavior will not only bring you down, but also not be healthy and balanced for your relationship.

- Support. Your partner will not just need your assistance throughout bothersome times. There will be times when people will appear from almost nowhere to provide a helping hand when your world at that time seems to be somewhat chaotic. To the contrary however, when you also need to celebrate during happy times, the same support is needed. It is therefore good to have a person to share both triumph and also happy times with. It leaves a person with a consistently good feeling to know that you have a person who relies on your abilities and also commemorates your achievements with you.

- Separate Identities. This often implies the necessity to compromise in circumstances where there is a noticeable difference in passion. This does not need to end up with one losing his identification, just to align with the other person. Both companions should still be able to have time for their own passion, similar to when they started with the romantic connection.

- Fairness. This means that you are not keeping count of how many times the other person has made the decision for the two of you as an intimate couple. This could lead to a phenomena where the decision-making process is being consciously turned into a power struggle as to who should get his way.

- Open communication. This suggests being able to reveal exactly how you really feel in an honest manner, as well as being truthful to your partner without concern of having your openness misunderstood. Having the sincerity to speak exactly what is on your thoughts, and to appreciate that what you express verbally, will certainly be taken in good faith.

What is it that makes an intimate connection undesirable?

A relationship becomes harmful once it ends up being abusive, mean, and also hurtful. It is also well-known that in many cases, some partners are exposed to domestic violence. A person that has grown up where they are constantly watching physical and also psychological misuse inside their domestic environment will most likely believe that it is a perfectly normal part of their life.

Relationships generally need to be worked on. It may have started with an overwhelming feeling of love for one another, however, consistently maintaining that love is a totally different thing in practice.

Fully understanding you and your companion's differences, approving them, as well as functioning around those differences, will in all probability make your romantic relationship less complicated to manage. Just simply try to keep it healthy, and this will undoubtedly make you both flourish and grow not just as individuals, but as an exceptionally happy couple.

[Judith]

How many times have you heard the phrase: "No one is perfect"? We all say it; both to ourselves and to other people yet when we're confronted with the inevitable imperfections of our partners, we often want to run the other way.

During the honeymoon period we only see our partner's strengths and tend to overlook their weaknesses. We think we've found the perfect soul mate and then reality sets in and we discover the person is just as human as the rest of us. For some people, that may take a few weeks, for others a few months and for some, it might take a few years. Eventually though, we all discover that our partner is just like everyone else and does and says things that anger or irritate us.

My husband says things that make my roll my eyes and he watches endless hours of sitcoms, none of which interest me. He also tends to be quite anal around a lot of things. There have been times when I've focused on these things to the point where I couldn't see the light in him. I allowed all his strengths to be obliterated by the things that bothered me.

One day I decided to use a pie as a visual of our relationship. Let's say there are eight parts. When I looked at it that way, I realized that six of the eight parts work really well so why don't I focus on those things instead of the two parts that don't work? I started looking at the things I value the most and realized we are very much aligned around our basic values. I started writing down those things about him and our relationship that I was grateful for. I noticed by doing that, those things we both value and the things I appreciate about him, became bigger.

My husband and I have been together nearly 30 years and when I look back at the silly things we argued about in the early years, they were truly not important. There are things that are important to address, for the health of the relationship and there are other things that are simply not worth bringing up. Do I really need to make a point of telling my husband how inane a show is, that he likes? Is he harming anyone by watching it? No. Do I want to be reminded of some of my quirks and bad habits? No.

So how do you address the imperfections in your relationship? Unless they are obvious deal breakers, and you know the ones I'm talking about, for the most part it's best to take your focus away from the imperfections and towards what you like and appreciate. Make a point of saying out loud what you like about your partner. Remind her or him what she or he is good at. Also, don't be afraid to express what you need. Just be sure you say it with kindness. Demanding someone do something differently isn't going to get you anywhere.

We know every human being on the planet has imperfections. If you make a decision not to dwell or focus on them, you'll find you notice them less and their significance will diminish.