Broke up over 4 months ago, saw her 2 weeks and ago and now completely lost

[scottearth1990]

Hey, this is going to be long so i apologise.

I met this girl October last year and we ended up seeing each other regularly and slept together twice. Just before Christmas we broke it off over an argument and stress. I tried to correct my mistakes, almost begged and it made the whole situation worst. After the breakup she spent weeks checking on my Instagram stories and stalking me, but i decided to ignore it and too heal. I didn't contact her at all - i still missed her and thought about her pretty much everyday!

More recently a mutual friend had a birthday party and we were both invited, she unblocked me from Facebook to let me know she was going and that it's ok for us both to be there and be civil. I arrived at the party early and around 2 hours later she arrives with her friend and her brother. I didn't approach first, she did and said how well i looked and said i smelt amazing.... i politely replied how well she looked and went on with my night. A couple of hours later she approaches me again and starts to talk and dance with me - i said to her i thought she was seeing someone and she replied it ended over a month ago. When the night ended we parted with a hug and she said she would message me later that night and she did. I said it was clear i still liked her and she said the feeling was mutual with the the follow - "i always felt myself with you and tonight just showed it, i was in a shit place with my family and my health and everything with us just topped it off, but tonight felt right and i didn't expect it". She then went on to ask if i was trying to make her jealous with a girl i was dancing with... truth was i wasn't, was just a friend and i told her just that, in which she responded she really wished it worked out between us.

This is where it gets interesting, a friend of hers told me that night she was talking to some guy in the Military who is training near us both for six months and i also got told his name, so i have been a bit sceptical how far i let her in. The last two weeks have been hot and cold, we had some nights where the chatting went on for hours straight, her saying she'll message tomorrow and on her breaks, and other nights where she would just get cold. I eventually said i wanted to try us again and she replied she still cared for me massively but her head is all over the place at the moment. I started to believe she wasn't interested so decided to keep it friendly. Now, a week into chatting i realise shes looking at what i post on my Facebook stories and sends a message saying "you tell me you want me but you keep putting up things about your ex and girls messaging and wonder why i don't believe you" - i had no idea she was seeing this, but again i don't feel like i should be sorry.

Just to clarify, Facebook sent me a memory thing of my relationship and a photo from 3 years ago... i saw the funny side and uploaded the photo on my story thanking Facebook! - she even sent a funny GIF/Meme saying about Facebook reminding of past memories. About the girls messaging, i help people at uni my level and support on one to one sessions, a girl nominated me for a reward and i decided to share how pleased i was. From that day she starts to get really cold and blunt, one worded messages and said her heads all over the place and she feels bad for not wanting the same things, but continued to view my stories etc. She then comes back around and starts being nice again...I decided to do some digging (forgive me, i was getting mixed signals and i'm still confused) and searched the Military guy on her Instagram and Facebook, turns out they're both liking each others stuff on both platforms but i wasn't too worried, shes single after all.

This weekend just gone things got a little heated and we ended up just being blunt to each other again, so i decided to bring up how her friend told me she was seeing someone from the Military and she replied shes not seeing anyone, she met him on holiday and hes completing his training near us both for 6 months. She also nicely added a guy and a girl can be friends which is a fair point. Late Sunday night i find that I've been blocked on Facebook messenger, again being confused i go onto her Facebook and find i'm not blocked from there, just messenger. Funnily enough shes removed the Military guy from both platforms too.

Forgive me for the long post, that's off my chest and i needed to express my confusion - 2 days later, i'm still blocked and shes actually re-added the other guy on both platforms again. I've decided to stop following on Instagram and just let it be, to give her head space. Can anyone suggest what the hell went on here? she suffers from anxiety and was always a little shy. Is this a case of her not know what she wants? or can't decided on which guy she wants? I've had completely mixed signals and I've stupidly fallen for this girl again, but i wont be second best!

[Julia]

Really sad that she is acting distance again after showing so much interest. I'll suggest you give her space and let her be the one to contact you if she wants to talk.

[Bradwin]

You can't let her have it both ways, she wants someone she can depend on, you, but she's not willing to take the responsibility of being in a relationship. That's selfish, she should either let you move on or heal from the breakup. Your ex girlfriend might not be doing this to purposely hurt you, but that still does not make it any less selfish.

When this happens, you have to understand that you hold all the cards and that she's the one without any options. She may have dumped you, but apparently she can't really let go of you. You have to confront her and let her know that she can't be a half-way girlfriend. You should also consider the fact that she may not even deserve you after all this, but this is something that will differ case by case.

If you still want her back anyways, but you are struggling because she won't commit to anything, then you have to put her on the spot. If you continue to let her lean on you for support without her reciprocating, then she will eventually leave you once she realizes that you will be there for her no matter what. You don't love someone hoping for something in return, but someone who is not willing to chance it for love does not deserve to be loved either.

Remember, she still needs you and she may even love you still. You know which is her and you just have to be honest with yourself when answering that question. If she's holding on to you because she needs you to support her through this breakup until she regains all her self-esteem, don't hesitate to give her a boot. If you know that she still loves you but you know something, maybe some uncertainty or a problem in her life is preventing her from committing to you, then you have to let her know that you will always be there for her no matter what she's going through.

Whatever you do, you have to make her come to a decision. Maybe she sticks around because she needs this or maybe it's because she still loves you. But regardless of that, she'll end up hurting you real badly if you don't convince her to make a choice soon. We all have to live by the consequences of our choices and those who don't have the courage to accept the risks that come with any meaningful decision, do not deserve the spoils of the brave and the responsible.