Confused about break up, can someone relate or give me their perspective.

[Cosmic20]

Hey guys,

So I want to preface you with the couple weeks leading up to the break up. It was on a Sunday when she brought up her feelings to me that she did not want to live here in California for the rest of her life, she wanted to travel. She's originally from Illinois. She's lived out here for about 9 years and in that time really hasn't established a community out here, meaning she doesn't have friends that she can go to outside of her coworkers. I on the other hand have everything out here and of course when she told me that she wanted to move in 3-4 years once I am done with my Registered Nursing Program, I was a bit overwhelmed. Emotions poured out of me and I felt so unsure about us, because I felt that I wouldn't be willing to leave with her. The following day, we talked about our conversation the night prior and she felt that it was best to take a "break". I don't understand breaks very well, but I loved her and respected that she needed some time to think and gather her feelings about all of this. So, we went the week without talking. December 1st, I sent the initial text saying that I want to talk about us and would like to tonight. She responded with a yes. So we did, I told her that I would follow her out to wherever she wanted to go, because I love her and want to make us work. She just started crying and told me how this break was dumb and how much she missed me, loves me and we spent the weekend together being touchy and very passionate towards each other as well as being intimate. We felt great and it just felt right.

December 6th was our 5th year anniversary. I had been so stressed with school and had just finished spending around a thousand dollars for my classes left me in a pinch since I am only a part time worker. So we went to a nice restaurant, split the bill and had a good time. I couldn't go home with her that night because I had work at 11pm and I had to go get ready. We exchanged our anniversary cards and went back to our own place, it felt odd not leaving with her that night, but I was okay with it because I had work and assumed she would be understanding of it.

December 7th, I say hey lets go get a Christmas tree for your place and so we did, she looked a little off that night, but didn't think much of it. The rest of the night went perfectly fine and as it usually does. I woke up early Friday and left for class, told her I love you and that I hope she has a good day and a safe drive into work. She smiled and said I love you. We text back and forth for a couple hours Friday morning and it felt really loving and genuine. We were both looking forward to seeing each other tonight and just couldn't wait to spend the weekend with each other. Around 5:30 she calls me and lets me know she's leaving work and that she wants to talk about us.

So i meet her at her place and we start talking. She begins by saying that she felt really let down that she only received a card and nothing more for our anniversary. She thought I would've picked up the tab, or given her some roses(even though she hasn't really been a fan of that) or even had done something special for her at her house, even buying the Christmas tree would have been a nice gesture. So I explained to her that so much was going on with finals coming up, with me having just spent a lot of money and just explained my reasoning behind why our anniversary wasn't like our others. Our previous anniversaries I have picked up the tab, given her a ring, gifts, etc.. theirs has always been something.

This year just wasn't like the rest and it wasn't for any bad reasons. It seems like she expected more this anniversary considering we had just taken a break the week before. The fact that it didn't really let her down. Then she threw a curve ball at me and said that she doesn't feel the same about "us" anymore and that she doesn't feel that spark anymore like she did before. She missed being lovey-dovey. I was caught off guard so of course I asked her how are you really feeling? she said that she loves me, is still in love with me, is the happiest when shes with me and doesn't want to break up. So I said let's fix this, let's work on us. I told her that I wanted us to be together and make things work, but her face said otherwise. I bluntly said and asked her, with that face I don't think I could say anything to you right now that could change your mind since it's already made up. You want to break up don't you? she said I think that's the best thing for us right now.

Now, I just feel heart broken. I understood that she felt let down with only a card(which meant a lot for me) and splitting a dinner date. She knows the person I am, I have always been thoughtful not only on meaningful occasions, but just in general. I would occasionally surprise her with making dinner, going somewhere new, buying her something small but meaningful. I figured she could see past the fact that this anniversary might not be the best one, but it's not like it would be a pattern, it's not like me.

Then of course when she told me about how she didn't feel the spark, that hurt even more because I didn't feel that way. She told me she doesn't know if shes making the right decision by breaking up with me or not..which in return confused me. I guess being together with her for 5 years with all the ups and downs a relationship entails, I figured this is something she would be willing to work through, but she didn't.

I still have some of my items at her place, but got most of it yesterday. I've taken her off my Social media because I don't need to be reminded of any memories nor do i need to see what she likes or dislikes. I love this woman so much and we have been together for what I feel was an eternity and I just felt like she gave up. Like she didn't want to work through her not feeling this spark. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and wondering what the next step should be. I want to just call her and speak to her, fuck just see her, but that will hurt too much. Just venting, but also I feel so lost because what she told me was so conflicting. I'm in love with you, love you, happiest when I'm with you, but think the best thing for us is to breakup instead of work through it. =/

Do you guys think she just needs time? to verify how she really feels about me? Have any of you been in a similar situation and made things work and ended up back together? We both have such a strong connection with each other it's hard I guess to come to terms that we have broken up.

[Zinok]

Hey, first off, I feel that I should lead with the fact that I haven't been in a relationship as long as yours, and therefore cannot comprehend how you must be feeling with five years of history with this girl being called off in an ambiguous manner. I'm sorry that you've had that experience.

But what I can say is that from personal experience, I've felt "let down" by experiences with partners and may be able to shed some light onto how she might be feeling right now.
I feel like she was expecting a grand romantic gesture on your anniversary, to "woo" her back into the relationship after the break; to reset things to how they were before the break, to recapture the romance that she once felt. She sounds like a very nice girl, who you clearly love a lot, so I feel like logically she knows your financial situation and understands the fact that you had to leave for work and couldn't afford more than a card. But emotionally, she was wanting some big sign of affirmation from you that the relationship was as it always had been and probably put a lot of stock into one specific night. So when she compared that night to the previous anniversaries, even logically understanding why they weren't the same, didn't feel like her emotional expectations and needs were met, which left her in that murky emotional state she was feeling from the break.

But beyond that one specific night, I feel like her desire to travel, despite you agreeing to it, might be the real reason she's feeling so unsure about the relationship. For her to be the sole reason for you to leave your family and friends and the life you're setting up for yourself puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. She might be worried you'll end up resenting her if things don't work out and guilty about tearing you away from your life. Or it may simply be that she doesn't want you to go with her half heartedly, out of a sense of obligation or fear of loosing her. She probably hoped you'd be excited to travel and see the world with her, and hoped that your passion for it matched hers. Maybe a piece of her is even worried about not travelling and letting herself be held back from her dreams because of her love for you.

I don't know how helpful this has been, I don't have any real advice for you, but I wish you the best.

[Olivia]

I suggest you give her space. That means cut all forms of contact with her, and give her the time and space she needs. Giving her space will make her realize she has made the wrong decision and she will also begin to miss you.

Giving her card for your anniversary isn't enough reason for her to breakup with you. When you give her time apart, she will realize her mistakes.

[Brett]

First things first, when the breakup actually happens, don't go chasing after her begging her to come back to you. It's not very manly, and it's not going to get you anywhere anyways. She's made up her mind, she's probably angry or hurt or both, and seeing MORE of you right at this time isn't really on her list of favorite things to do.

Give her some space, some time to heal and get herself back in order. While she's sorting her own things out, you need to be doing some thinking yourself. Painful as it is, it's been made clear that the two of you as you both are will NOT end up working things out. SHE'S not going to change, so if you want to make it work with her YOU'RE going to have to be the one to change.

Analyze your relationship with her, and really figure out what YOU did wrong. If you already know what it was, that's great...some girls will tell you what the problems are when they break up with you. Not all of them do though, so you may have to do some thinking here. Once you figure it out and make a list of the things you did to contribute to the demise of the relationship, you have some more work ahead of you.

You have to take those flaws and errors you have or have made, and get rid of them. Stop doing the things that drive her away, and start doing things to draw her to you. A lot of this depends on the specific girl and what her individual needs and expectations are, so you can tell yourself exactly what it is you need to do better than I could, since you know her better than I do.

Whatever the case may be, you need to work your issues out and solve your biggest problems. When you're either done with that or are well on the road to being done with it, you can reinitiate contact with your ex. Remember to keep it simple and light, calling about the breakup or getting back together isn't usually met with much positivity. A pretty tried-and-true example of a first contact is to see how she's been doing since the breakup. It's light, shows you care, and doesn't start getting into "oh my God I miss you so much come back."

Once you've established contact again, slowly build back up with a few contacts here and there, light and friendly without getting TOO friendly. Eventually you two will probably start spending time together, and at this point it's important to spend this time doing things the two of you always really enjoyed doing before when you were a couple. Doing something fun and familiar should bring fond memories to the surface, and start to rekindle a little of what she felt for you in the past.

Really, from here it's just playing it by ear. Pay attention to her, listen to her, and watch for any signals that she may still be in love with you. Let her see for herself that the problems you had that assisted the ending of the relationship have been dealt with or are in the process of being dealt with. Be the guy she fell in love with, only without the faults that made her leave.

Following this procedure tends to have excellent results, guys. No other "technique" has as high a success rate, because this one actually fixes the problems. If she loves you, she WANTS to be with you, she just doesn't want to be unhappy while she is. That's why she left! If you make it so that you're not causing her unhappiness and she can see that you won't be, she'll be far more open to giving it another shot.

So give it a go, see what happens. I guarantee you'll be surprised at how much easier it seems. Good luck! =)