What If You See A Woman Online Who You Recognize From Real Life?

[Damian]

Funny thing happened a few days ago and I wanna get your take on it.

Long story short: I discovered that someone I know in real life (and actually talk to on a regular basis) has an online dating profile.

If we somehow ended up dating, we'd both be settling - she's looking fora non-smoker, and I find other women more attractive than her - so I'm not going to 'ignite her femininity'.

But it makes me wonder: What should a man do in such a situation if he's interested in the woman in question? Tell her in real life that he's seen her dating profile? Tell her online that he knows her in real life?

I don't know, to be honest they both sound at least a little creepy to me (the second option far more so than the first).

Can the man take the information that he's gotten from the dating profile and put it to good use in real-life interactions with the woman, without giving off that creepy vibe?

[Barry]

Hello Damian:

First off, GREAT question on an important topic I've never written about before.

I think how you proceed completely depends upon the nature of your relationship with her.

Of particular interest is if she knows who you are, as opposed to you admiring her from afar.

Basically, if she knows you I think you're actually better off throwing it on the table rather than keeping it to yourself.

I mean, given the ubiquity of online dating, I don't think it would be creepy at all to openly acknowledge the online/offline connection.

Doing so online would be fine, especially given the privacy of the interaction.

Tell her where you recognize her from and give her a touch point of recall.

For example, "Hey, I know you. Don't you work at the XYZ store? I'm the guy who buys Gatorade from you a couple of times per week."

You could theoretically tell her in person that you recognize her from Match, also...especially if you sense a bit of flirtation or even connection there.

The caveat is that I wouldn't do it if other people are around, especially coworkers.

Then again, if you already have a flirty connection going on with her, then who needs online dating anyway? You're already in front of her.

Treat her online dating profile as "intel" that she's single and get her digits. Boom.

Given the straightforward examples I just offered, you can see how theoretically awkward it could get if you beat around the bush between talking to her online and in person, perpetrating as if you don't realize she's the same person.

That's what would feel really weird. In fact, that's where the highest "creep factor" probability resides.

Even though I'm sure you know better, I do want to underscore the importance of being very clear rather than playing coy, since the latter is how you'd REALLY come off like some sort of creepy stalker.

For example, I once coached a guy who found himself in the exact same situation you're describing. He went to rent an apartment, and recognized the rental manager from Match.com.

Where he blew it was when he started to tell her stuff he knew from her online profile as if he was "cold reading" her, no thanks to misunderstood PUA advice.

She got so freaked out she picked up the phone to call the police before he talked her off the ledge.

Obviously, that's bad.

It would have gone WAY better for him from the start had he simply told her directly that he recognized her rather than trying to play mind tricks on her.

Remember always that making a woman feel safe and secure around you is important.

[Rob]

If you are involved with online dating at all, you have likely been confronted with the possibility of meeting someone far away. There's something very romantic about this notion, almost (or, um, exactly) reminiscent of Sleepless In Seattle. I mean how killer is it to go half way around the world for the right woman?

Granted. And if it works out, it's amazing. But lets talk for a while about all this. From this conversation I trust you will be able to go into such potential situations armed with more wisdom than ever before.

Before all else, let's discuss how two people get in this situation to begin with. It's no secret that some dating sites have built their software so as to put as many people in touch with each other as possible. If a site is one of the minor players, which translates to fewer subscribers, you are likely to be encouraged to communicate with more people from other states (or countries) than you would at a Match.com or Yahoo Personals. IM "pen pals" come of this, and this is cool, but sooner or later, you are likely to notice--and talk to--someone who amazes you but is either in Alaska or somewhere that may as well be. If you don't want to be tempted by someone on another coast who is giving you warm fuzzies, join a bigger dating site and keep your searches close in proximity.

Now, if you live in a very remote area with a very small dating pool to fish in, this kind of long-distance interaction made possible by the magic of the Internet may flat-out be the best thing that could ever happen to you.

I however, like the vast majority of us in this country, am fortunate enough to live in a major metro area. My thought process has gravitated towards the notion that if I live in a city of over a million people and can't find someone to hang out with here, I need to look in the mirror and consider the problem might be my own. Read that last line again. Does it speak to you?

On the other hand, there is the whole concept of the perfect soul mate. I am on the fence about this one (see future article), but there is no doubt that the possibility exists that your absolute best choice in a long-term mate might not live in your city. I will not discount that.

OK, so if you are going to do this sort of thing, what is there to know?

First, do all the qualifying you can before the meeting. Talk. A lot. Forget the pictures, spring a whole $20 on a web cam and use it. Pictures do not capture mannerisms, etc. like the cam does.

Next, if you are in a remote area and the one you are talking to is in, say, Los Freaking Angeles you have got to ask this person what is driving him/her to look outside a metro area of 12 million people. Do it. And don't accept some Pollyanna answer (e.g. "You are special", "I've been wanting to move to Egypt, ND anyway", etc.). Refer to my previous article titled "Signs Your Date May Be Married" for a refresher course as to other reasons why these conversations are important. Use judgment here. An example of an acceptable answer may come in the form of "I'm a native Texan here in NYC, and I really want to settle down with someone I can relate to better." Take the blinders off and listen during this conversation.

Next, figure out who is going to do the "heavy lifting" as far as travel goes. As chivalrous a man as I consider myself to be, this one should not be automatically shouldered by the guy. Let's use the potential situation in the previous paragraph as an example. If Boy lives in Los Angeles, and Girl lives in Egypt, ND common sense says that the two of you would have a much better chance of having a great weekend together if Girl flies to Boy. As far as the costs of all this, consider who has more resources. If Girl travels on business and has 500K frequent flier miles she'll never get around to using (unless, ironically, she meets the right guy to travel with), then there is no sense in having the guy buy a ticket. You get the idea. I personally believe that when both people have an investment in a weekend like this, both are more committed to its success.

Next, make all the logistical arrangements for the visit, and communicate clearly about it. The one who is flying in should reserve a hotel. This takes a lot of pressure off the situation, which believe me will be a plus. If you two decide to cancel the hotel, that's your own business, but having the option there was good planning nonetheless.

Read the sentence that follows this one twice: If you fly out to meet someone you have never met or barely know, absolutely positively make flight and hotel reservations that have great flexibility. If it costs a reasonable amount more for a fully-refundable reservation, do it. This way if things go awry quickly (or heck, what if the other person flakes out on you completely at the last minute) you are hassled less as a result.

We've all but established that if there are plane tickets involved for a first meeting, you are almost 100% doing this because you are expecting something SPECIAL to happen. People are not flying cross-country for casual flings, and even if they are, what I am about to say still will probably hold true.

OK, so where does the rubber meet the road? Right here: ONLY TWO THINGS CAN HAPPEN when people meet each other like this:

1) "I'm Frustrated!" v1.0 You learned (and typically very quickly) that there was no chemistry in real life. Or worse, the other one did. You feel angry and/or deceived, disappointed, empty, hurt, ripped-off. A lot of time, emotion and $$$ were wrapped up in this, and it didn't go well. I've even heard the tale of someone getting off the plane, meeting the person, and immediately going right back to the check-in counter to change the ticket to the next flight out. That's sure to cause an empty feeling. And what's more, now what are you going to do all weekend?

2) "I'm Frustrated!" v2.0 Unlike casual first dates close to home, these weekend trips are inevitably hyped like mad by both participants. So what if It lives up to it? It's everything you dreamed it would be. Um...Now what? You part ways after Some Enchanted Weekend and you are still 2000 miles away from each other--except now you are obsessed! How often are you reasonably going to get to see each other? And how will you develop this relationship? Who is eventually, and inevitably, going to move? And when the move happens, how do you know that things will still be wonderful when you start spending more casual blocks of time together?

Don't kid yourself. Ending the weekend with a sentiment of, "That was so nice. It was fun to get away and have some fun, and now I've made a nice friend I can reminisce about from time to time and keep talking to as before" is a fairy tale. There is zero chance either person will leave the weekend feeling like that, let alone both. If you disagree, I'm open to your counterpoint, but I do believe this is truth.

Blind optimism translates to being straight-up naive when it comes to this stuff. Always keep that in mind. If you have good stories, hook a brother up and I'll print some of them in the next "Letters" segment.

[Damian]

Barry: Thanks for the advice.