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Was walking away the right decision or did I stop pursuing her too soon?



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  • Was walking away the right decision or did I stop pursuing her too soon?

    Context first. Met at a work conference, started to talk and get to know each other for a few months before I (26 y/o, M) decide to invite her (26 y/o, F) on a date and she accepts.

    First date went great, I picked her up from her place, opened doors, paid the bill, made her laugh and she reciprocated with physical touch, words of appreciation, compliments and teasing. We talked about work, family, travel, religion, and hobbies mostly, and we actually shared a lot of things. At the end of the first date, we kissed and decided to go on a second date the next weekend. However, few days after that first date, I start to notice her texts/calls starts decreasing and time of response starts increasing.

    On the way to our second date, she starts talking about how her friends feel like they got married too young and wished to have traveled more before having children, which made me question why she would bring that up. At the restaurant table, I asked her if it would be okay to keep on seeing each other once a week now that we were getting to know each other a bit better and we seemed to enjoy each other's company, to which she replies this:

    "i think you should know i have commitment issues... my parents divorced when i was 14"

    "i can tell you come from a great family, but i think you deserve better, and i do not want to hurt you"

    "you are a great guy... you are too good for me... no one has treated me so well before"

    "let's just go with the flow and continue to be friends... you do not know me yet"

    I acknowledged and responded "I appreciate your honesty, I always prefer when intentions are made clear, just do not let whatever happened in your past compromise your future"

    I obviously still paid the bill but before the end of the date, she grabbed by arm and then we held hands. When we got closer to the car, I leaned in to kiss her, but she responds "I think it is too early for that. If I can give you some advice, if someone says they do not want to hurt you it is because they will", and I told her "Okay, I understand, did not want to make you feel uncomfortable" she responds "Oh no, I had a great time, thanks for being the way you are". She then invited me to a walk at a park the following weekend. I initially accept but then decline on the same day since I was legitimately busy that day, but that made her feel a bit annoyed since I canceled on the same day. I apologized about not letting her know earlier but left me on read and pretty much things ended there.

    6 months later, we bumped into each other again at another work conference, and she found out through a mutual friend that I am dating someone else. She immediately goes "I heard you met someone, so happy for you... I have just not had any luck, the other guys I dated are not intentional and chivalrous like you.... my mom and friends still talk about you and tell me that you were the one that got away.... I just wished I communicated things better with you, because I really want and feel ready for a relationship now.... I just wanted someone who would show up and fight for me, and I have always felt safe with you... I guess real recognize real, right?"

    My response was "I appreciate the kind words, all I can tell is just make sure to be with someone that also wants to be with you and shows it with actions and words on top of respecting you. Obviously, it goes both ways, so make sure to see who makes the effort and who does not"

    Fast forward to today, I am no longer dating the other girl (she moved to Canada) and we are back to being single, so she would now hit my phone up again every now and then... she texted me for the holidays too and also for my birthday, to which I replied out of decency but not engaged in a conversation.

    Therefore, my question is: "was waking away the right choice at that time or did I stop pursuing too soon instead of just being more patient?"

    I would not want to give her a chance to discard me again, but at the same time I wonder if she is now genuinely realizing that I was being honest with my intentions... I am sure anyone would wonder why she would try to come back at this point. Also, since we also shared a professional bond, I am sure anyone would agree that I was also being very discreet and setting boundaries as early as possible to avoid potential misunderstandings.

    I look forward to hearing thoughts about this.

  • #2
    It sounds like you've been through quite the emotional rollercoaster with this woman, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling conflicted about whether you made the right decision in walking away or if you should have been more patient. Let's break down the situation and explore both sides.

    First off, it's clear that you were very genuine and sincere in your intentions towards her. You treated her with respect, kindness, and showed her what it means to be genuinely interested in someone. From the way you described your interactions, it seems like you were attentive to her needs and made an effort to create a connection.

    However, it's also evident that she was struggling with some internal issues, particularly related to commitment and her past experiences with her parents' divorce. When she opened up to you about her commitment issues, it was a significant moment of vulnerability. It's commendable that she was honest with you about her struggles, but it also signaled that she might need some time and space to work through those issues on her own.

    In terms of your response, acknowledging her honesty and expressing your understanding was the right thing to do. It showed that you respected her feelings and were willing to take her concerns seriously. However, it's also crucial to recognize your own boundaries and needs in a relationship. If you felt like her commitment issues might pose challenges for you down the road, it's understandable that you would want to proceed with caution.

    When she reached out to you again after six months, expressing regret and longing for what could have been, it's natural to feel a sense of validation. After all, it seems like she's finally coming to terms with her feelings and recognizing the value of what you had together. However, it's essential to approach this situation with a level head and consider whether her newfound clarity is genuine or if it's simply a reaction to seeing you move on.

    At the end of the day, only you can decide whether giving her another chance is the right choice for you. It's essential to trust your instincts and prioritize your own emotional well-being. If you do decide to rekindle things with her, make sure to have an open and honest conversation about your expectations and concerns moving forward. Communication is key in any relationship, and addressing any lingering doubts or fears upfront can help build a stronger foundation for the future.

    On the other hand, if you feel like it's best to keep your distance and focus on your own growth and happiness, that's completely valid too. Sometimes walking away is the healthiest option, especially if the relationship dynamics are causing more stress than joy.

    Ultimately, what matters most is that you feel confident in your decision and are prioritizing your own emotional health and well-being. Trust yourself, be patient with the process, and remember that you deserve someone who is willing to meet you halfway and reciprocate your love and efforts.


    • #3

      It's clear that you had a complicated experience with this woman, and it's understandable that you're feeling unsure about whether you made the right choice in walking away. Let's take a closer look at the situation and explore some aspects that might help you gain clarity and make a decision.

      From what you've described, this woman expressed her concerns about commitment early on, citing her parents' divorce as a reason for her hesitation. While it's important to acknowledge and understand someone's past experiences and how they might impact their present behavior, it's equally important to consider your own needs and boundaries in a relationship.

      When she expressed her doubts about being able to meet your expectations and stated that she didn't want to hurt you, it was a sign that she was aware of her own limitations and felt uncertain about pursuing a deeper connection. It was responsible of you to acknowledge her honesty and remind her not to let her past dictate her future.

      The fact that she later reached out to you after finding out you were dating someone else suggests that she may have experienced some regret or realized what she might have lost. However, it's important to approach this situation with caution and not jump to conclusions.

      Before considering whether or not to give her another chance, it's crucial to reflect on your own feelings and experiences. Ask yourself if you still have feelings for her and if you're open to exploring a potential relationship. Consider the impact her previous behavior had on you and whether you're willing to risk being hurt again.

      It's also worth noting that maintaining a professional bond with someone can sometimes complicate personal relationships. While it's positive that you prioritized setting boundaries early on, it's important to evaluate whether the history you share with her in a professional context might affect your future interactions and dynamics.

      If you're open to reconnecting, it would be wise to have an open and honest conversation with her. Express your own thoughts and concerns, and give her the opportunity to do the same. Be clear about your expectations and boundaries moving forward, and listen carefully to her perspective as well. This will help you gauge whether she has indeed grown and evolved since your previous encounter.

      Ultimately, the decision of whether to give her another chance rests with you. Trust your instincts and listen to your own needs and desires. Consider seeking guidance from your own intuition and values. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who is willing and able to meet you halfway, and who respects and values you.

      In summary, walking away at that time may have been the right choice given the circumstances and the uncertainties that were present. However, if you're now contemplating reconnecting with her, it's essential to have an open and honest conversation, set clear boundaries, and ensure that both parties are willing to invest in the relationship. Trust your own judgment and prioritize your own well-being as you navigate this situation.