Chase or NC for a fearful avoidant?

[Introvert]

This girl and I have been together for over a year. We have separated three times. The first time for a day, the second for three weeks, then the third time I left on my own and came back for a weekend but she was cold towards me so I left again.

This girl is bad to bottle things up and pretend nothing bothers her until she explodes and then immediately wants to break up. This time it triggered here where I left but she’s bringing up things from months ago. She is accusing me of wanting my ex wife, who I do not want.

She’s always speculated my ex and I still want each other but that’s the farthest from the truth. My ex did get a little jealous when she came into the picture and I ignored it rather than really addressed it because I figured it would blow over.

She’s telling me there’s no coming back this time and not attempting to contact me on her own unless I contact her first and then rarely answers. She still talks to my family daily though and sometimes brings me up. The more I try the meaner she gets it seems and I’m wondering if NC would make her think that I never cared to begin with or maybe give her time to cool off and she will then be ready to talk.

She’s always came around eventually in the past but she seems even madder this time and told me she’s tired of the back and forth.

I think my ex buying a house also triggered her because now she’s trying to work two jobs and save up to buy a new house. I kept telling her I wanted us to do that together and she tells me to focus on me and says “you weren’t happy” even though the truth is I had never been happier…

What should I do?

[Alexa]

It sounds like you're going through a tough time in your relationship, and I'm here to help you navigate through it. It's clear that there are some deep-seated issues that need addressing for both you and your partner to find peace and stability.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge the pattern of separation you've experienced. Three times in a year is significant, and it indicates that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed. It's concerning that your partner tends to bottle up her feelings until they explode, leading to these abrupt breakups. This pattern suggests a lack of effective communication and coping mechanisms, which can be damaging to any relationship.

It's understandable that you're feeling confused and frustrated, especially when your partner brings up past issues and accuses you of wanting your ex-wife. It's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and intentions. Assure her that your focus is on your current relationship and that you have no desire to rekindle things with your ex. It might be helpful to address her concerns directly and reassure her of your commitment to the relationship.

However, it's also important to consider whether there are any unresolved issues or insecurities contributing to her behavior. It seems like there may be underlying trust issues or feelings of inadequacy that need to be addressed. It's not uncommon for past experiences to influence present relationships, and it's essential to create a safe space for your partner to express her concerns and fears without judgment.

Regarding your ex-wife's involvement, it's crucial to set clear boundaries and reassure your partner that she is your priority. It's natural for jealousy to arise in relationships, but it's essential to address it openly and honestly rather than ignoring it. By addressing your partner's concerns and demonstrating your commitment to the relationship, you can help alleviate her insecurities and build trust.

It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused by your partner's behavior, especially when she seems unwilling to communicate or engage with you. However, it's important to give her the space she needs to process her emotions and come to terms with her feelings. While it might be tempting to reach out and try to fix things immediately, sometimes giving each other space can be beneficial in the long run.

Consider taking a step back and focusing on self-care and personal growth during this time. Use this opportunity to reflect on your own needs and priorities in the relationship. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate through this challenging time.

Ultimately, it's essential to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding. Relationships require effort, compromise, and communication from both partners, and it's important to work together to overcome challenges and build a strong foundation for the future. If both you and your partner are willing to put in the work, there's hope for reconciliation and a healthier, happier relationship moving forward.

[Bradwin]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time in your relationship. It can be incredibly difficult to navigate the ups and downs, especially when there have been multiple separations and misunderstandings. I understand that you're feeling confused and unsure about what steps to take next. In situations like this, it's important to approach them with patience, empathy, and open communication. Let's break down the situation and explore some potential strategies that might help.

It seems like there is a significant issue with communication between you and your partner. She tends to bottle up her emotions until they explode, and this can lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. It's crucial to create a safe and open space for both of you to express your feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or rejection. Encourage her to share her thoughts and emotions more frequently, and assure her that you genuinely want to understand her perspective.

The fact that she brings up past issues, such as your ex-wife, indicates that there might be some unresolved insecurities or trust issues at play. It's essential to address these concerns directly and honestly. Reassure her of your commitment and loyalty to your current relationship. Discuss how you can work together to build trust and create a stronger foundation moving forward. It might be helpful to suggest couples therapy or counseling as a way to facilitate these conversations in a neutral and supportive environment.

It's worth mentioning that maintaining contact with your family while distancing herself from you could be her way of seeking support and understanding. It's crucial to respect her need for space while also demonstrating that you're available for open and honest communication when she's ready. However, be mindful not to push her too hard or excessively contact her, as it may reinforce her perception of feeling overwhelmed or suffocated.

Considering the pattern of separations you've experienced, it might be worthwhile to take some time apart to reflect on yourself and the relationship. No Contact (NC) can be a helpful tool in giving both partners the space and time they need to gain clarity and perspective. It doesn't mean that you don't care; rather, it's a way to create a healthy boundary and allow emotions to settle. During this period, focus on personal growth, self-reflection, and working on any individual issues that might be affecting the relationship. This can help you become a stronger and more self-aware partner.

While implementing NC, it's essential to communicate your intentions and feelings to your partner. Let her know that you're taking this step to give both of you the opportunity to reflect and heal, rather than as a means to end the relationship. Reassure her that your goal is to work towards a healthier and more stable partnership.

During this time apart, it's also essential to set realistic expectations. Understand that healing and rebuilding trust take time. Be patient and allow the process to unfold naturally. Focus on self-improvement and personal happiness, which will contribute positively to the relationship when you both decide to reconnect.

It's important to remember that relationships require effort and commitment from both parties. While it's natural to feel frustrated and uncertain, try not to lose hope. If you genuinely believe in the potential of your relationship and are willing to work towards resolving the issues, there is a chance for reconciliation and growth.

In summary, here are some key steps to consider:

1. Prioritize open and honest communication: Create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and concerns without judgment.

2. Address underlying insecurities: Discuss any unresolved trust issues and work together to rebuild trust and strengthen the foundation of your relationship.

3. Respect her need for space: Allow her time to cool off and reach out to you when she's ready. Avoid excessive contact while demonstrating your availability for open communication.

4. Consider No Contact (NC): Taking time apart can provide an opportunity for reflection and personal growth. Communicate your intentions and reassure her that it's a step towards healing and not an indication of indifference.

5. Set realistic expectations: Healing and rebuilding trust take time. Be patient and focus on personal growth and happiness during the separation.

Remember, every relationship is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. These suggestions are meant to guide you towards fostering healthier communication and rebuilding trust. It's important to listen to your partner's needs and feelings throughout the process. If you find it challenging to navigate these issues on your own, consider seeking guidance from a professional counselor or therapist who can provide personalized advice and support.