Feeling lonely in my relationship

[d_wolfwood]

I met my girlfriend online 4 years ago, we have been in a relationship for 3 years now, and have been living together for 3 years now too. I'm sad to say that the age difference between us is 9 years, and I can see how that brings difficulties now.
We used to live in my country, but she never found a job and was always stuck at home, I couldn't go out with my friends because she had nothing to do except just stay home alone. It was so hard for me in that period, seeing her always sad and lonely, while I was missing out on everything that was happening with my friends. I knew that it wouldn't work out, so I decided we should move to her country since she was younger, she had to start a career and it would've been easier for her in her home country, and in my case, I lived abroad before so I was excited to live in a new place again.
She was having social anxiety and never understood the concept of going out, but she started working in a corporation, and she is thriving, she is doing great personally and professionally, while I've been in exactly her shoes, all alone at home, incapable of having a job because I'm a foreigner.
At work, she met Karl, and everything changed, she started going out, she liked it, now Karl is her best friend and there has been not a single day in the past months where she didn't talk about him. I was jealous and expressed that to her, and then I got depressed because I felt like I was looking at my girlfriend falling in love with someone else. We discussed and she convinced me that there is nothing between them other than friendship, and I get it, it's her first ever new friend in a long long time. I know for sure she wouldn't cheat on me, but that's not the problem.

If she doesn't like him, if she doesn't wanna be with him, why does she want to be spending all this time with him instead of me?
I've expressed how her relationship is bothering me, I presented an insecurity of mine about her falling in love with someone else, maybe Karl's friend and she laughed and said "I can't wait to tell Karl about this", and I got mad, I always get mad when I Karl's name. We talk about our stuff, and there's always a link to a story about Karl, somehow, I don't get it.
We talked, and I told her I felt lonely, I felt that we disconnected, that along the year being here in her country we lost each other and we took each other for granted and now we don't spend time doing anything together, as a couple, I'm just home when she comes from work, we eat, she does her thing I do mine, and sleep repeat. The day after we talked about this, I was driving her home from work, and I found out that she had planned not one, not two, but 3 hang-outs with Karl and their colleagues, and there is still no plan in sight for me and her. I asked her about Valentine's Day, and she said she didn't know, that it was too soon, but she had already planned to go out with Karl on her holiday (which is after Valentine's Day).

She said last night, that after we talked, she thought about it, and that whatever I am feeling, she is not doing that, she is doing nothing wrong, whatever I am feeling she had not the intention to make me feel the way I do, so there's nothing she can do. Technically, she doesn't do anything wrong, all she is doing is having a friend, and it's true, but why does it hurt me so much?

I'm worried now that I have to leave because I can't find my place here, just like her in my country, but if I leave she won't come with me if I stay we will most likely break up because I don't know how to fix this situation and she believes that this situation doesn't require fixing. I know that the easy way out is to break up and start over somewhere fresh, I will survive another breakup, I'm not worried about it. I'm worried because I truly love her, unconditionally, and I want only the best for her, and if the best for her is to not be with me, that's fine, but in the same time I want to be with her.

What should I do? How should I look at this situation?

[David]

I can see that you're going through a challenging time, and it's commendable that you're seeking advice to navigate this complex situation. Relationships can indeed be intricate, and dealing with emotions, especially when there's a significant age difference and other external factors involved, can be overwhelming. Let's break down your situation and explore some possible perspectives and actions.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge your feelings and concerns. Loneliness, jealousy, and feeling neglected are valid emotions, and it's crucial to express them openly with your partner. Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. You've taken a step in the right direction by discussing your feelings with your girlfriend. It's positive that you've shared your concerns about feeling disconnected and taken for granted.

However, there seems to be a communication gap between the two of you. Your girlfriend may not fully understand the depth of your emotions, and it's essential to express them in a way that fosters understanding rather than escalating tensions. Instead of getting angry, consider having a calm and honest conversation about your insecurities and the impact her friendship with Karl has on you.

Try to find a balance between expressing your feelings and understanding her perspective. It's clear that she values her friendship with Karl and has made efforts to socialize, which is positive for her personal growth. While it's natural to feel hurt, it's also crucial to avoid being controlling or possessive. Trust is fundamental in any relationship, and it's important to trust your partner unless there's concrete evidence suggesting otherwise.

Reflect on whether there are activities or hobbies you both enjoyed before the move that you can revisit together. Reinforcing the bond between you two might help alleviate the feelings of disconnection. Planning activities or date nights can bring freshness to your relationship.

Additionally, consider seeking professional counseling, either individually or as a couple. A therapist can provide an unbiased perspective, offer guidance on effective communication, and help both of you navigate the challenges in your relationship. Couples therapy can be particularly beneficial in addressing underlying issues and finding constructive solutions.

Evaluate your own well-being and happiness in the current situation. If you're struggling to find fulfillment and a sense of belonging in your girlfriend's country, it's crucial to address this. Living abroad as a foreigner can indeed be challenging, but it's essential to explore opportunities for personal growth and engagement within the community.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave should be based on what's best for your overall well-being. It's clear that you care deeply for your girlfriend, but a healthy relationship requires mutual effort and understanding. If both of you are willing to work on the issues, there's potential for growth and strengthening your bond. However, if the fundamental differences and disconnection persist, it might be worth considering whether the relationship is serving the best interests of both parties in the long run.

Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own happiness and emotional well-being. Relationships require effort from both individuals, and finding a healthy balance is crucial for long-term success.

[Becky]

I understand that you're going through a challenging situation in your relationship, and it's clear that you care deeply about your girlfriend. The age difference between you and the difficulties that have arisen as a result of it, such as her struggle to find a job and her social anxiety, have put strain on your relationship. It seems that the recent development of her close friendship with Karl has exacerbated your feelings of jealousy and insecurity.

First and foremost, it's essential to acknowledge and validate your emotions. Feeling jealous and insecure in a relationship is not uncommon, especially when new friendships form and take up a significant amount of your partner's time and attention. It's natural to want to be a priority in your partner's life. However, it's important to approach these feelings with understanding and open communication.

Communication is key in any relationship, and it's encouraging that you've already expressed your concerns to your girlfriend. However, it's equally important to listen to her perspective and understand her point of view. She has reassured you that her relationship with Karl is purely platonic, and she values your trust. It's important to believe her and not let jealousy cloud your judgment.

That being said, it's crucial to address the underlying issues that have led to this situation. It seems that both of you have been feeling disconnected and taken each other for granted. This can happen in long-term relationships, especially when external factors like work and social life become priorities. It's important to make an effort to reconnect and spend quality time together as a couple.

Express your feelings to your girlfriend in a calm and non-accusatory manner. Let her know that you miss the connection you once had and that you want to work together to rebuild it. Suggest activities or outings that you can both enjoy and make it a priority to spend dedicated time together regularly.

It's also worth considering your own situation and well-being. If you're feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in her country, it's important to address those feelings. Living in a foreign country can be challenging, and it's crucial to have a support system and a sense of fulfillment in your own life. Explore opportunities to pursue your own interests, find a job if possible, or engage in activities that make you happy and fulfilled.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay or leave the relationship is a deeply personal one. It's important to weigh the pros and cons, consider your own happiness and well-being, and have open and honest discussions with your girlfriend about your future together. Relationships require effort from both parties, and it's important to ensure that your needs and concerns are being heard and addressed.

Remember, seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist can also be beneficial in navigating these complex emotions and situations. They can provide you with additional support, guidance, and help you work through these challenges.

In conclusion, it's important to communicate openly and honestly with your girlfriend, address the underlying issues in your relationship, and work together to rebuild the connection you once had. Remember to take care of yourself and consider your own happiness and well-being. Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay or leave should be based on what is best for both of you in the long run.