In a long term relationship but celibate…

[KaitC44]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. In the time that we have been dating we have been intimate maybe 3-4 times. He claims to be insecure in that arena, and also has some physical issues down there, and has a hard time performing, even though we are only 24. He brushed the issue to the side for years and is finally seeing a doctor after me threatening to leave him. I know that sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but I almost feel like my sexuality is being suppressed because of this. I am a very sexual being, and not being able to have sex with him or partake in any sexual acts has really hindered our relationship in my opinion. We barely kiss, only cuddle sometimes. It is very frustrating for me, and he knows this but will do little to change. When I ask him why he won’t at least try to pleasure me or go down on me he says he doesn’t know how, and he won’t even attempt it. We live together and have for about 2 years now, and we have two cats together so I would hate to break up the little family we have together. However, there are some other issues I have with him besides just the intimacy. He is messy, has bad hygiene, and this may seem silly but he has a horrible diet. All he eats is candy and crap, and drinks soda and juice. He doesn’t even drink water. I have put on some weight since we started dating and I do not want to blame it on him, but it is hard for me to cook anything that both of us like because he is sooo extremely picky. He smokes way too much weed but wants to be a police officer and DEA agent? His lifestyle makes zero sense to me. The one positive thing I will say is that he does a lot for me, he gets me anything when I ask, whether it’s to get me a snack or take me to get some gas in my car because I don’t want to go alone or whatever it may be. Seems he will do anything for me except for when it comes to attempting any sort of intimacy? I have asked him countless times if he is even attracted to me and he insists that he is, but his actions do not show that at all. I am spending my twenties celibate, but everyone in my family agrees that I will never be able to find another man who “deals with me and my personality”. I have bipolar disorder and ADHD. Therefore sometimes my mood can be all over the place, and he is good at dealing with it. I don’t want to start all over and throw myself into the dating scene because I am shy and do have some issues myself. However I am unhappy and have been for some time.

[Bill]

I understand that you're facing a challenging situation in your relationship, and it's commendable that you've reached out for advice. Navigating intimate issues, especially when they involve physical and emotional well-being, can be complex and requires sensitivity. It's important to approach these concerns with open communication and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives.

Let's address the issue of intimacy first. It's clear that your boyfriend has struggled with physical issues, leading to a lack of intimacy in your relationship. It's positive that he's taken the step to see a doctor, as this shows a willingness to address the problem. However, it's essential to recognize that addressing such issues takes time, and it's not an overnight process.

You've expressed your frustration and the impact this has had on your happiness and satisfaction within the relationship. It's completely valid to feel this way, and your needs and desires in a relationship are important. The lack of physical intimacy can indeed strain the emotional connection between partners.

In communicating with your boyfriend about this, it might be helpful to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Let him know that you appreciate his efforts in seeking medical advice and that you want to support him through the process. Encourage open communication about your feelings and desires, emphasizing that you both play a role in finding a solution that works for both of you.

Now, let's delve into other aspects of your relationship. It seems there are additional concerns, such as lifestyle differences, hygiene, dietary habits, and his ambition to become a police officer despite a lifestyle that might conflict with that goal. It's clear that these issues contribute to your overall dissatisfaction.

When dealing with such multifaceted concerns, it's helpful to prioritize and address each issue individually. Consider having open and non-confrontational discussions about these aspects of your relationship. For instance, express your concerns about his diet and its impact on both of your lives. Suggest finding a compromise where you can prepare meals that are both enjoyable for him and align with your health goals.

Concerning his ambition to become a police officer, it might be beneficial to discuss how his current lifestyle choices could potentially conflict with that career path. Offer support and encouragement for positive changes that can align with his goals.

The issue of your own well-being, including your mental health conditions, is crucial. It's great that your boyfriend supports you during challenging times, but it's equally important that your needs are consistently met. Make sure to communicate your mental health needs and discuss how both of you can create a supportive environment.

As you navigate these conversations, it's essential to evaluate whether your partner is actively working towards positive change. Actions often speak louder than words. Encourage small steps and celebrate progress together.

In the midst of all these challenges, it's vital to reflect on your own happiness and whether the relationship is fulfilling your needs. While it's understandable that starting over can be intimidating, your well-being is paramount. Consider seeking the advice of a relationship counselor or therapist who can provide guidance and support for both of you.

Remember that relationships require ongoing effort, communication, and understanding. It's okay to prioritize your happiness and seek solutions that work for both partners. You deserve a relationship that brings you joy and fulfillment, and it's never too late to work towards creating that together.

[Evelyn]

I'm sorry to hear that you're facing these challenges in your relationship. It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and unhappy about the lack of intimacy and other issues you've mentioned. I'm here to provide you with some guidance and support as you navigate through these difficulties.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that sexual compatibility is an essential aspect of a healthy romantic relationship for many individuals. It's natural for you to desire a physical connection with your partner and to feel unsatisfied when that aspect is lacking. It's positive that your boyfriend is now seeing a doctor to address his physical issues. This shows a potential willingness on his part to work on the problem, which is a step in the right direction.

Communication is crucial in any relationship, especially when addressing sensitive topics like intimacy. It's commendable that you've expressed your concerns and desires to your boyfriend. However, it seems that he may be struggling with his own insecurities and limitations. It's possible that his fear of not being able to perform or please you sexually is causing him to withdraw from any sexual acts altogether. This can be a challenging situation for both of you.

In terms of his lack of effort to pleasure you or explore other forms of sexual intimacy, it's important to understand that some individuals may have limited knowledge or experience in certain areas. It's possible that your boyfriend genuinely doesn't know how to please you, but instead of dismissing the idea altogether, it would be beneficial for him to be open to learning and exploring together. Encourage him to communicate his concerns and fears, and reassure him that you're willing to be patient and supportive as you both work towards a more fulfilling sexual relationship.

Moving on to the other issues you've mentioned, such as his messy habits, bad hygiene, and poor dietary choices, it's clear that these contribute to your overall dissatisfaction. While it's normal for couples to have differences and individual quirks, it's important to find a balance that works for both partners. Open communication is key here as well. Express your concerns about his habits and how they impact your life together. Encourage him to make healthier choices and offer to support him in developing better habits. Taking small steps together can lead to positive changes over time.

Regarding his desire to become a police officer and DEA agent while engaging in a lifestyle that contradicts those goals, it's important to have honest conversations about his motivations and the steps he's taking to achieve his aspirations. Help him understand the potential conflicts between his current lifestyle and his future goals. Encourage him to make choices that align with his ambitions and support him in finding healthier coping mechanisms for stress or relaxation instead of relying solely on excessive marijuana use.

However, it's crucial to remember that you cannot change someone else. You can offer support, guidance, and encouragement, but ultimately, it's up to your boyfriend to take responsibility for his actions and make positive changes. It's also important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. It's not fair for you to sacrifice your own needs and desires for the sake of the relationship.

Regarding your concern about finding another partner who understands and accepts you, it's important to challenge that belief. While it may be true that finding a compatible partner can be challenging, it's not impossible. You deserve to be with someone who fulfills your emotional and physical needs, and who embraces and supports you for who you are, including your bipolar disorder and ADHD. It's worth exploring the dating scene when you're ready, as it can provide opportunities to meet individuals who may better align with your desires and goals.

In conclusion, it's essential to have open and honest conversations with your boyfriend about your concerns, desires, and the impact his actions have on the relationship. Encourage him to seek professional help for his physical issues and consider couples therapy to address the broader challenges you're facing. Remember to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, and don't be afraid to explore other options if you find that the relationship isn't fulfilling your needs. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel satisfied and valued both emotionally and sexually.