HELP ! What does he mean and what should I do?

[xbelieve]

Hello, I am having a lot of trouble to understand what people really mean especially in the dating area. I am hoping some of you could help me understand so I can decide what I should do. Sorry if my story is quite long.

So a while ago I (F) had a party at work (100+ people) and at the end of the evening I have kissed with one of my direct co workers (M) after spending the whole night together laughing and talking. I also invited him to stay over and sleep on my coach (legit) because he had to walk far when going with public transport. He declined and told me it was not a good idea to come with me and that he liked me enough to first drink coffee. The next day he invited me for coffee the following day. In the mean time there have been some text messages but not many. These text messages had kisses and shy smiley faces in them.

We met at his house to have drinks (non alcoholic). I stayed there for 4 hours and we also kissed. During kissing he called me beautiful and smiled a lot. When kissing we eventually laid down on the couch. I used a joke to get off of him and just talk further since I am not interested in sex so soon. We also talked about us not being interested in one night stands or emotionless sex. He even said he had a period he thought he might have not been interested in sex (asexual) at all. This was all during a good conversation. He even said he might wants to do other work in a few months and made some comments/jokes about couples which he ended by saying ''these are things you shouldn't say so soon''.

Somewhere in the middle of the meet up things just changed. This was after all of the above. We just talked but he barely looked at me. The conversation was very one-sided he was only talking about himself and (for me) not in a nice way. He basicly only said things that would turn somebody off by telling them this kind of stuff on a first date but said he just wanted me to have a honest and clear picture about him. He also made a comment about his ex being smoking hot (like a 9) and that he still doesnt understand what she wanted with someone like him (like a 6). He also told me that I am not his type (looks). I joked a few times that it looked like he wanted me to leave as soon as possible and he joked that most people already would have ran away by now.

During this awkward one-sided 'conversation' we also talked about when to leave. He looked at the time and said half an hour or something. Yet we stayed together for an hour and a half.

At the end we walked towards our cars (he was going somewhere else) and his car was one stair further down. He just stopped at the stairs on my floor and said ''I have to go one more down''. I actually figured he would walk me to his car. After that he hugged me and said see you on monday. We then awkwardly stared into each others eyes untill someone came in the garage. He then said ''I am not a public guy'' and left.

After the meet up I had a strange feeling and didnt know what to think. Later that day I asked him if he had done the thing he would do that night. We didnt really talk much after. Two days later I asked him to come drink something at my place and he replied that he would like that but he felt like I was having more feelings for him than he had for me since his feelings weren't mucht yet. He also said it could still happen but he just wanted to be honest. I replied that I didnt know where his response was coming from and that it was not the case. I also asked him if it was a polite way of rejecting me. He answered ''oh I am sorry I misunderstood shall we leave it at this for now?''. Since we are coworkers I asked what he meant and said his rejection was too subtle for me (if it was). He then replied he might have been more clear and that at this moment he only wants to drink something as friends but that he would understand if I wanted to keep things more professional. I said to him that that was not the case, that I had fun and really wanted to go for drinks as friends. After that he just made a stupid joke off topic which I didnt really reply to because I thought it was a bit weird. He also said he was punished for his clumsy choice of words and had a stomach ache. I wished him good luck with that. A few hours later I asked him if the stomach ache was going better and I made a stupid joke related to his. He replied the next day saying ''haha''.

At work nothing has changed, before everything we didn't really speak at work and we still don't. Side note: we work from home most days. The only day we go to the office he didn't show.

Can someone please help me explain what he meant and what I should do next? I am not in love or having many feelings I am just interested in seeing if we are compatible. Being friends is also on my list (most of my friends are male). I just don't want to be the idiot that texts him or invites him as a friend while he might just tried to be polite.

[Ben]

I understand that navigating the intricacies of dating can be confusing and sometimes disheartening. Let's break down the situation you've described and try to gain some clarity on what might be going on.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that people's feelings and intentions can be complex, and sometimes their actions don't neatly align with their words. In your case, there seems to be a mix of positive and confusing signals from this co-worker. It's evident that there was initial interest and attraction, as indicated by the enjoyable party, the exchange of messages with kisses and shy smiley faces, and the affectionate moments during your meet-up.

However, things took an unexpected turn during the conversation at his house. His sudden change in demeanor, one-sided talking, and comments about his ex and your looks may have left you feeling perplexed and perhaps a bit hurt. It's important to note that people can sometimes project their insecurities onto others or share more personal information than intended, leading to awkward moments.

When he mentioned that he felt you might have more feelings for him than he did for you, it might have been his way of expressing a need for emotional boundaries or a desire to take things slow. It's positive that he communicated this, showing some level of honesty. However, the situation became more ambiguous when you questioned if it was a subtle rejection.

His subsequent responses seem somewhat unclear, leaving room for interpretation. His mention of wanting to drink something as friends could indicate a desire to maintain a friendly connection without the pressure of romantic expectations. The off-topic joke might have been an attempt to lighten the mood or an awkward way of deflecting from the serious conversation.

Given that you are co-workers, it's understandable that you want to navigate this situation carefully to avoid any potential discomfort at work. The fact that work dynamics haven't changed is a positive sign, suggesting that both of you are handling the situation professionally.

Moving forward, it might be beneficial to take a step back and assess your own feelings and expectations. If you genuinely feel you can be friends and maintain a professional working relationship, there's no harm in extending an invitation for drinks as friends. However, it's crucial to be mindful of his comfort level and not to pressure him into anything more than he's willing to offer at this moment.

Consider having an open and honest conversation about your intentions and expectations. Express that you value your professional relationship and are open to whatever level of connection he feels comfortable with. This allows for clear communication and avoids any potential misinterpretations.

Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own feelings and well-being in this situation. If, at any point, you feel uncomfortable or sense that the dynamics are affecting your work environment, it might be wise to reevaluate the nature of your relationship with this co-worker.

In conclusion, relationships can be intricate, and miscommunication is not uncommon. Approach the situation with empathy, communicate openly, and be true to your own boundaries and expectations. Building connections takes time, and it's essential to ensure that both parties are on the same page emotionally and personally.

[Julia]

Firstly, let me commend you for reaching out and sharing your story. Navigating the complexities of relationships, especially within the workplace, can indeed be challenging. It seems like you've found yourself in a situation where the signals are mixed, leaving you uncertain about the other person's intentions. Let's break down the details and try to make sense of it.

From your account, it's clear that there were positive and enjoyable moments during your interactions. The initial kissing, laughter, and shared connection created a sense of mutual interest. However, things took an unexpected turn during the second meeting when the conversation became one-sided and he made comments that might have been off-putting.

It's crucial to recognize that people are complex, and their behavior can be influenced by various factors, including personal insecurities or past experiences. In this case, the mention of his ex and the comment about you not being his "type" might have been attempts to manage expectations or perhaps a way of self-deprecating humor. It's essential to approach these situations with empathy and an open mind.

His subsequent communication, where he expressed hesitancy about your feelings and suggested keeping things on a friend level, might indicate that he values honesty and wants to establish clear boundaries. It's positive that he communicated his feelings openly, even if it was a bit awkward. However, his choice of words may have caused some confusion.

Now, moving forward, it's essential to consider your own feelings and intentions. If you are genuinely interested in exploring a friendship or potential compatibility, there's nothing wrong with expressing that. Communication is key, and being transparent about your own expectations can help avoid misunderstandings.

Here's a suggestion on how you might approach the situation:

1. Express Your Feelings: Consider sharing your thoughts with him in a straightforward yet friendly manner. You can acknowledge his honesty and clarify your own feelings, emphasizing that you value his friendship and are open to exploring that dynamic.

Example: "Hey [His Name], I appreciate your honesty in our recent conversation. I want to clarify that I'm not looking for anything too serious either. I enjoyed our time together and would genuinely like to continue getting to know you, whether that's as friends or something more casual. What do you think?"

2. Respect His Response: Be open to whatever response he gives. If he reiterates that he's only interested in friendship, respect that boundary. It's essential to establish clear communication to avoid any potential confusion in the future.

3. Keep It Light: Since you work together, maintaining a friendly and light-hearted tone is crucial. You can suggest grabbing a casual coffee or drink as friends, emphasizing the social aspect without putting pressure on the situation.

Example: "No pressure at all! How about we grab a coffee or a drink sometime this week, just as friends? It'd be great to hang out outside of work."

Remember, it's okay to be upfront about your own desires and intentions. If, after expressing your thoughts, he still seems hesitant or uninterested, it might be best to give the situation some time and space. Focus on building connections with people who reciprocate your interest and enthusiasm.

I hope this advice provides some clarity and helps you navigate this situation. Remember, you deserve genuine connections and positive interactions. Feel free to reach out if you have any more questions or concerns.