New

[Confused]

I am in my mid-50s, female, looking for a serious relationship to eventually lead to marriage. I find it's just crazy out there! Thought this might be a good place to get advice from others in my shoes about how to figure out this crazy world we live in when it comes to dating.

[Brett]

Anybody getting back in the dating world will find they encounter many challenges. But for women over 40, the challenges are different. After all, things have changed since they were in their 20's, when life was more carefree and simple. Here are a few of the most common concerns when entering the dating world.

I'm not a size 4. Will anyone be attracted to me?
If you think like this you need to do the inner work to get to a place of confidence and comfort with who you are. There are many women who are not strikingly beautiful, long or lean and yet they are married to wonderful men who love who they are and how they look. Stop wasting your energy worrying about looking different and start being different! Radiate the essence of who you really are and you will start attracting smart, relationship-minded men who are looking for a sharp, compassionate, fun-loving person like you!

How do I meet singles around my age?
You have to put yourself out there, especially in places that are of interest to you -- classes, sporting events, book stores, political organizations, gyms and clubs. Once you're with people, start up a conversation by asking a question, offering an opinion or seeking some kind of help. Be sure to make eye contact, smile and show you are interested in the conversation. You can do that by paraphrasing what's being said and by keeping your body language open and receptive. Remember, nothing gained, nothing lost if you don't meet someone. At the very least, you are socializing and honing your skills!

I can't seem to get past first dates. What am I doing wrong?
You must be doing or saying something that is turning off your dates. See if any of these ring true for you:

Are you coming across too needy or desperate? That would cause your partner to find you unappealing or intimidating.
Are you talking too much? It's always a good idea to limit your responses and be a good listener so you don't dominate the entire conversation.
As a woman, are you offering to pay your way too soon? As a man, are you expecting a woman to pay her own way? Most men feel they want to be in control of the first date and like being generous and chivalrous.
Are you picking a partner who isn't the right "fit" for you?
Are you sending negative vibes about what you don't like about him/her -- and your partner senses it?
Is your voice tone or body language cold or stand-offish?
Are you overstepping healthy physical or verbal boundaries without realizing it?
Are you sharing too much about yourself and not leaving anything to your date's imagination?
Are you too negative, cynical or sarcastic about dating and relationships and letting that come across?

Dating should be a fun and exciting experience and if you plan ahead, are aware of what you think and how you feel and are open to just having a good time, you will overcome the many challenges mature women experience in the dating field.

[Judith]

As a part of the over 40 category of daters, the same dating advice that works for 20 somethings is not always the same advice that you're seeking. Here's why:

• As a woman over 40, your main focus is not necessarily getting married and having babies. You may have already been married, you may already have babies, or perhaps neither is true; but either one could be a non-issue.
• The dating game has changed significantly since you dated in your twenties. Sexting. Texting. Internet dating. Speed dating. Even matchmaking. All are viable alternatives in the 21st century. If you don't know how to use these tools or have a belief that only "losers" would use them, you may be sabotaging your success dramatically.
• You aren't sure who to date when you're in your 40s. Is it appropriate to date men in their 30s? What about feeling like you aren't attracted to men in their sixties, the exact men who may be pursuing you the most online? Is it a must to find someone who's your age exactly and can recite lines from Gilligan's Island right alongside you?
• What are your relationship goals? Are you looking to get married? Do you want to have kids? Are you simply looking for a serious relationship with Mr. Boyfriend Material?

Whatever your concerns, here are the keys to our advice for women over 40 in three short but sweet tips!

1. Use your dating experience in an appropriate way.

Whether you recently went through a messy divorce or have had several long-term relationships and are ready for a relationship, you probably have some (if not a great deal) of dating experience. As a dater who is over 40, you want to make sure you don't "leak" any of this energy or knowledge, negative or otherwise, into new relationships you find yourself in.

It's fine to remember things you've learned in past relationships, but it might be a good idea to check with a dating coach to ensure you're taking the right stuff with you! Avoiding making assumptions like "It happened before and therefore must happen again" can impact all your dating if you aren't armed with a clean slate before you jump into the dating pool.

2. Get yourself out there.

Have your friends been encouraging you to join that online dating site? Well, guess what? One out of every four people who are in a committed relationship or married met their significant others on an online dating site.

Remember that there are tons of good relationship-ready men who're going to be interested in you, but you need to meet them first! Joining a Meetup, starting a new fitness routine or creating an online dating site profile are really great ways to meet great men. Hanging out at a bar every Saturday night? Not so good, so get active online and outside.

3. Be honest about what you're looking for.

Hopefully you aren't finding yourself saying things like "There are no good men out there." But if you find yourself heading down that path, get yourself in the opposite direction immediately. There ARE so many great guys out there!

Because of the multitude of amazing men just waiting to meet you, don't find yourself compromising for someone you think is "almost good enough." If someone isn't meeting your needs and you have openly communicated about what those healthy needs are, move on.

On the other end of the spectrum, having a list of things you're looking for in a man is great. But be sure you aren't checking people off your potential list because they're missing something like "dresses well all the time" or "cooks like a gourmet chef." Ultimately, getting stuck in "lack" mentality will keep you feeling disempowered and stuck.

Remember, once you feel confident and know that you're worthy of an amazing man, amazing men will become magnetized to you. Paradoxically, when you think you have to settle, you attract men who you feel are just "good enough." Get out of this vicious cycle and dig deep to find your "inner awesome" so you can get exactly what you want out of love in your forties.