Wife left our home

[VOZ78]

Hello,

I am looking for an advice. I was married 20 years to my college love and we immigrated to the USA due to war in our home country. When we arrived my wife left me citing the stress of everything. This was over two years ago. We coparent our two children.

Our marriage was very happy until this happened and I was shocked. Anyway, three months after my first wife left me and i had found out she moved in with another man, I met my wife now. We started as friends and dated two months later (this will be summer 2022). We married last fall. My wife now is amazing and I love her very much and we have a newborn son now. But through the last two years she has said she feels like I did not have time to grieve my first marriage and she feels at times I am comparing her. Its been really the only issue we have fought about in 2 years. I have always denied that I compare them, but i have said though i didnt have time to grieve i cannot help that i fell in love with her when i did and i dont regret it. She thinks because i didnt have time to grieve and because i compare my wife as coming from same culture/mentality (my current wife is american) that i miss her. My current wife has stood by me through a lot and is very beautiful, loving and supportive. We have fun together, the best of sex life and are usually happy but she does not let go of this idea. She is not a jealous person and has embraced both of my kids from my previous marriage and she never argues with my ex wife. I do have guilt about my first family breaking up and i do still love my ex wife because i was with her for so long but i am in love with my current wife and want to be with her and our baby son.

two days ago some old photos memories came on my phone that included selfie pictures i took with my ex wife and i started crying and my wife walked in. It led to her saying that she is moving out for now with friends until i work on grieving my loss and she is no longer going to deal with ‘her husband being in love with two women at once’. I tried to explain to her that i was really crying more for my life before war and immigrating, when my life was more innocent and i was with my kids everyday and they werent hurt their family broke up. That yes my ex wife was part of my life since we were kids and i have memories and im still hurt at what she did but im not in love with her or want to go back with her. Im happy with my wife now. She does not believe me and took our son. She said we need to be apart until i can cope with the loss and then she will decide if she can move past the feeling shes been second place for two years. I do not see her as second place.

i am unsure what i should do to fix this.

[Damian]

It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation, and I appreciate you reaching out for advice. The emotions you're experiencing are complex, and it's clear that you care deeply about your current wife, your children from your previous marriage, and your overall family situation.

Let's break down the issues you're facing and explore some steps you can take to work through them.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Losing a long-term relationship, especially under such stressful circumstances like war and immigration, can be incredibly painful. It's natural to grieve the loss of what once was, including the life you had with your first wife and your children before the separation.

At the same time, you've also built a new life with your current wife, whom you love and cherish deeply. It's not uncommon for feelings of guilt, longing, or even love for your past to resurface, especially when triggered by old memories or reminders. This doesn't mean you're not committed to your current relationship; rather, it reflects the complexity of human emotions and the depth of your experiences.

Now, let's address your wife's concerns. It's understandable that she might feel insecure or second-best if she perceives that you're still mourning your previous marriage or making comparisons between her and your ex-wife. Communication is key here. Have an open and honest conversation with her about your feelings, emphasizing that while you may still feel sadness or nostalgia about the past, your love and commitment lie with her and your new family.

It might also be helpful for both of you to seek couples counseling. A trained therapist can facilitate productive conversations, provide guidance on coping with grief and loss, and help strengthen the bond between you and your wife. Counseling can also offer a safe space for your wife to express her own emotions and concerns, allowing both of you to better understand each other's perspectives.

In the meantime, take proactive steps to work on your own healing process. This might include journaling, engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, seeking individual therapy if needed, and actively participating in co-parenting with your ex-wife to ensure the well-being of your children.

Lastly, give your wife the time and space she needs to process her own feelings. It's important not to rush or pressure her into reconciling before she's ready. Show her through your actions and words that you are committed to addressing her concerns and strengthening your relationship.

Remember, relationships require effort, understanding, and patience from both partners. By approaching this situation with empathy, communication, and a willingness to work through challenges together, you can navigate this difficult time and emerge stronger as a couple.

I'm rooting for you and your family, and I believe that with time and effort, you can overcome these obstacles and build a fulfilling and harmonious life together.

[Camila]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging situation. It's understandable that you're feeling torn between your past and present relationships. Coping with the end of a long-term marriage can be a complex process, especially when it happened unexpectedly and you didn't have time to fully grieve before starting a new relationship. It's important to address these feelings in order to move forward and nurture your current relationship.

First and foremost, it's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your wife about your emotions. Let her know that you appreciate her support and love, and that you understand her concerns. Reassure her that your love for your ex-wife is a love borne out of shared history and memories, not a romantic love that competes with your current relationship. Emphasize that your heart belongs to her and your newborn son.

Acknowledge that you may not have had the opportunity to fully process the end of your first marriage and the significant life changes that followed. Share your feelings of loss and grief, not just for your ex-wife, but also for the life you once had before war and immigration disrupted everything. Explain that the photos and memories brought up a wave of emotions related to the past, which doesn't diminish your commitment and love for your present wife.

Consider seeking professional help, such as couples therapy or individual counseling, to navigate through these complex emotions. A therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and work through any lingering issues. They can also assist you in developing healthy coping mechanisms and strategies to help you process your grief. Therapy can be a valuable tool in strengthening your relationship and finding a way to move forward together.

In addition to therapy, it's important for you to take time for self-reflection and self-care. This will allow you to better understand your own emotions and find healthier ways to cope with the past. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax, whether it's spending time with your children, pursuing hobbies, or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Taking care of yourself will not only benefit you but also contribute positively to your relationship with your wife.

Remember, healing takes time, and it's a process that varies for each individual. Be patient with yourself and with your wife as you navigate these emotions together. It's natural for her to have concerns and insecurities, but with open communication, understanding, and professional guidance, you can work towards rebuilding trust and creating a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Lastly, keep in mind that your love for your children from your first marriage doesn't diminish the love you have for your current wife. Love is not a finite resource, and it's possible to love different people in different ways. Help your wife understand that her place in your life is unique and irreplaceable. Show her through your actions and words that she is valued, cherished, and an integral part of your family.

In summary, the key to resolving this situation lies in open communication, understanding, and seeking professional help. Express your love and commitment to your wife, while acknowledging and addressing the need to process your past and the emotions associated with it. With time, patience, and support, you can work through this challenging period and build a stronger foundation for your future together.