10 years on… little attraction due to fitness obsession

[Moretolifethanthis]

Hi, I have been with husband for 10 years, married 5. Over the past year he has been obsessively running to the point he is so thin and boney. I am really struggling to find this attractive. He has never been big or muscly. I have talked to him about it but he says he is healthy and feels good. When I hug him I feel like I am hugging my dad (he had cancer and was very thin at the end, every time I hug my husband it reminds me of my dad and his illness). He doesn’t seem to care about how I am feeling. There has been no intimacy for a long time. I am really struggling with this, am I being selfish? It really is a turn off to me and I just don’t know what to do. I am 44, he is 39. Thank you

[Alexa]

It sounds like you're going through a challenging time, and I want you to know that it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the validity of your feelings and reassure you that you're not being selfish. Your concerns about your husband's health and the impact it's having on your relationship are completely valid.

Let's break down the situation a bit. It's clear that your husband's sudden obsession with running and resulting physical changes have triggered some complex emotions for you. It's not just about physical attraction but also about how his transformation reminds you of your dad's illness and the difficult emotions associated with that experience. Feeling like you're hugging your dad when you embrace your husband must be incredibly distressing for you, and it's natural for that to affect your desire for intimacy.

Communication is key in any relationship, and it's positive that you've already tried discussing your concerns with your husband. However, it seems like he may not fully understand the depth of your feelings or the impact his behavior is having on you. It's possible that he genuinely believes he's healthy and feels good, but he may not be fully considering your perspective and the emotional toll it's taking on you.

In situations like this, it can be helpful to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Let your husband know that you care about him deeply and that your concerns come from a place of love and genuine worry. Express how his physical changes and the lack of intimacy are affecting you emotionally and mentally. Try to avoid placing blame or making him feel attacked, as that may cause him to become defensive.

It's also important to listen to his perspective and try to understand where he's coming from. Perhaps running has become a coping mechanism for him, a way to manage stress or anxiety, or maybe he's found a newfound passion for it. Understanding his motivations can help foster empathy and open up a productive dialogue between the two of you.

However, it's essential to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being in this situation. If your husband is unwilling to consider your feelings or make any changes, it may be necessary to seek support from a couples therapist or counselor. A professional can help facilitate communication and provide guidance on how to navigate this difficult situation in a healthy and constructive way.

Remember that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and emotions in a relationship. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be in a partnership where your concerns are heard and respected. Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist if you need it. You're not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate this challenging time.

[Bradwin]

I want to start by saying that what you're going through is completely valid and you're not being selfish at all. It sounds like you're dealing with a complex mix of emotions, and it's important to address them in a healthy way.

First off, it's understandable that you're concerned about your husband's health and well-being, especially considering how much his appearance has changed due to his obsessive running. It's natural for you to be worried about him, both physically and emotionally. However, it's also crucial to recognize that he may genuinely feel healthy and good about his habits, even if they're causing distress for you.

Communication is key here. It's great that you've already tried talking to him about how you're feeling, but it's essential to continue those conversations in a constructive manner. Let him know that you love and care for him deeply, but also express how his behavior is affecting you emotionally. Be honest about how his thinness triggers memories of your father's illness and how it's impacting your ability to feel connected to him.

At the same time, try to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Remember that his running might be serving as a coping mechanism for stress or other underlying issues. Encourage him to open up about what's driving his behavior and how you can support him in a way that also addresses your needs and concerns.

It's also important to seek professional help if necessary. Consider suggesting couples therapy or individual counseling for both of you. A trained therapist can provide a neutral and supportive environment where you can explore your feelings, improve communication, and work towards finding solutions together.

In the meantime, focus on self-care and nurturing your own well-being. It's essential to prioritize your own emotional needs and find ways to cope with the stress and uncertainty you're experiencing. Whether it's through spending time with supportive friends and family, engaging in activities you enjoy, or practicing relaxation techniques like meditation or yoga, make sure to carve out time for yourself.

Ultimately, remember that you're not alone in this journey. By approaching the situation with empathy, communication, and a willingness to work together, you can navigate this difficult time and strengthen your relationship in the process. Take care of yourself, and know that brighter days are ahead.

[Curtis1234]

I am in the same boat, sort of. My wife used to workout often and was very active. Over the last 2 years she has given it up. I myself think fitness is very important and have always worked out in various ways. I used to go to OTF with my wife and really enjoyed it. During Covid I build a home gym with weights and a peloton bike (which was hers). I have made it as easy as possible to stay healthy, but anytime I try and get her to workout with me it's a hard no and only leads to arguing. So Moretolifethanthis it is the opposite for me. I'm married to someone who has put fitness on the backburner. I feel like she has just given up. This is the main complaint in our marriage for me. So it doesn't get talked about very often. I know it is on the other spectrum, your spouse working out too much, mine, not at all. Does that make me a bad person to feel this way. I just started going to therapy about this, because I can't talk to her.

[Scot]

I am in the same boat, sort of. My wife used to workout often and was very active. Over the last 2 years she has given it up. I myself think fitness is very important and have always worked out in various ways. I used to go to OTF with my wife and really enjoyed it. During Covid I build a home gym with weights and a peloton bike (which was hers). I have made it as easy as possible to stay healthy, but anytime I try and get her to workout with me it's a hard no and only leads to arguing. So Moretolifethanthis it is the opposite for me. I'm married to someone who has put fitness on the backburner. I feel like she has just given up. This is the main complaint in our marriage for me. So it doesn't get talked about very often. I know it is on the other spectrum, your spouse working out too much, mine, not at all. Does that make me a bad person to feel this way. I just started going to therapy about this, because I can't talk to her.

It's clear from your words that you're feeling frustrated and concerned about the dynamic in your relationship when it comes to fitness. It's perfectly normal to have differing priorities and interests within a marriage, and it's also common for these differences to cause tension at times. The fact that you're seeking advice and support, and even considering therapy, shows that you're committed to finding a resolution and improving your relationship, which is commendable.

First and foremost, it's important to recognize that your feelings are valid. It's understandable to feel disappointed or even a little hurt when your partner's interests and habits shift in a way that feels incompatible with your own. However, it's also crucial to approach this issue with empathy and understanding.

It's possible that your wife's decreased interest in fitness could be influenced by various factors, such as changes in her life circumstances, health concerns, or simply shifts in her priorities. Rather than assuming she has "given up," try to approach the situation with curiosity and openness. Is there something specific that's preventing her from wanting to work out? Is she struggling with motivation, or perhaps feeling overwhelmed by other responsibilities?

Communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to addressing sensitive topics like this one. However, it's important to approach these conversations with care and sensitivity. Instead of framing it as a complaint or criticism, try expressing your concerns from a place of love and support. Let her know that you miss the connection you shared when working out together, and that you're worried about her health and well-being. Encourage her to share her perspective and feelings without judgment, and try to listen actively and empathetically.

It's also worth considering whether there are ways to make fitness more enjoyable and accessible for her. Maybe she's lost interest in her previous workout routine and would be open to trying something new together. Or perhaps there are external factors, such as childcare responsibilities or work stress, that are making it difficult for her to prioritize exercise. By exploring these possibilities together, you can work towards finding a solution that meets both of your needs.

Seeking therapy is a positive step towards finding constructive ways to address this issue in your marriage. A therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express your thoughts and feelings, as well as offer guidance and strategies for improving communication and finding common ground. Remember that therapy is not about assigning blame or finding fault, but rather about fostering understanding and growth within your relationship.

In conclusion, it's completely normal to feel concerned about the disconnect in your relationship when it comes to fitness. However, it's important to approach this issue with empathy, understanding, and open communication. By expressing your concerns from a place of love and support, and by being willing to explore potential solutions together, you can work towards finding a resolution that strengthens your relationship and supports both of your well-being.

[Curtis1234]

She also spends a lot of time on her phone, mostly tik tok, which is very frustrating.