Chat conversation, not a phone conversation, discovered by a girlfriend with an ex

[MartinD99]

I was curious about the next one.

A while ago I discovered a chat between my girlfriend and a guy, Andy. He sent her a link to a porn video out of nowhere. She said: I don't watch those, those are videos for men. Then he sent another video and said: can this get you horny? Yes.At the same moment, coincidentally, I called from work at the time, which I actually never do. Then she said to him God damn, Martin is calling. That's what she says about her own boyfriend! And Andy said, just as I'm undressing. Girlfriend: conversation is gone, I continue.

Let me just say they did things you normally do in the bedroom, alone, or with your partner. But they didn't use a webcam camera.
And then, suddenly, she said she had to go. When I confronted her about it, she said, I didn't type this. And when I said it was on the laptop, she said she couldn't remember. I found it all very strange. That guy was an ex of hers, and he was also in her phone, she played the game wordfeud with him, she said. There were no other conversations with Andy on the laptop, but he apparently knew me.

It is also strange that someone would just send porn videos to an ex. So I think previous conversations have been deleted..

I blame her for this action, but she says that she has also discussed it with other people and that they thought it was not too bad. What do you think about this? Should be possible? Innocent pastime?

Martin

[Bradwin]

This is a tough situation, and it’s understandable that you feel unsettled by what you discovered. Trust is an essential part of any relationship, and when something happens that shakes that trust, it can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and unsure of how to proceed. Let’s take a closer look at what happened and break it down step by step.

From your description, it sounds like you stumbled upon a conversation between your girlfriend and her ex, Andy, that crossed some boundaries. The nature of the messages—especially the fact that he sent porn videos and made sexually suggestive comments—would be upsetting to many people in a committed relationship. Your girlfriend’s responses to him, particularly when she referred to you by name and seemed to prioritize the conversation with Andy over your call, also raise red flags. These details likely left you feeling disrespected and sidelined.

One of the key issues here is that your girlfriend initially claimed she didn’t remember typing the messages, which is concerning. Her inability to take accountability or provide a clear explanation only adds to the confusion. When someone is confronted about behavior that could harm the relationship, honesty is crucial. The fact that she seemed to downplay or dismiss the incident, especially when she mentioned that other people thought "it wasn't too bad," doesn’t necessarily reflect how it affected you—and that matters just as much, if not more.

Another element to consider is that this man is her ex, and maintaining communication with an ex can sometimes lead to complicated dynamics, particularly if boundaries aren’t well-defined. The idea that Andy might be sending her inappropriate messages out of the blue suggests that this isn’t just a casual friendship. It’s also worth noting that you suspect previous conversations may have been deleted, which would understandably make you question how deep their communication went.

At this point, your feelings of doubt and mistrust are valid, and it’s important to reflect on how this situation is impacting your relationship. Whether or not your girlfriend’s actions were innocent, it’s clear that they have caused you to feel uneasy, and those feelings should be addressed. Open, honest communication is essential moving forward. It might help to have a calm conversation with her where you express your feelings—not in an accusatory way, but in a way that shows you want to understand her perspective and rebuild trust.

The fact that she plays a game with him (Wordfeud) might seem innocent on its own, but when coupled with the sexual nature of their messages, it suggests a deeper issue. What’s important here is her willingness to be transparent and open with you. Does she understand why this situation bothers you? Is she willing to set clear boundaries with Andy moving forward?

Every relationship has its challenges, and this one certainly presents a test of trust. If you’re both committed to working through this together, it’s possible to come out stronger on the other side. However, this requires honesty, accountability, and a mutual understanding of what’s acceptable behavior in your relationship. If she brushes off your concerns or continues to engage in questionable behavior, that’s something to consider seriously.

Ultimately, this situation isn’t about whether other people think her actions are “not too bad”—it’s about how *you* feel, and whether you both can rebuild trust and create a stronger foundation together.

[Bella]

I can sense the hurt and confusion in your words, and I'm here to offer you a listening ear and some guidance. It's understandable that you're feeling upset and betrayed by what you discovered, and I want to help you process your emotions and thoughts.

Firstly, let's acknowledge that what you found is indeed disturbing and raises many red flags. The fact that your girlfriend was engaging in a conversation with her ex, Andy, that involved explicit content and suggestive language is a clear breach of trust and respect in your relationship. It's natural to feel angry, hurt, and confused by this discovery.

One of the most concerning aspects of this situation is the fact that your girlfriend denied any involvement and claimed she couldn't remember the conversation. This lack of accountability and honesty is a significant issue in any relationship. Trust is built on transparency, communication, and mutual respect, and it seems like these fundamental principles have been compromised.

It's also interesting that you mention Andy was an ex of hers, and they had a history of playing games together, including Wordfeud. This suggests that there may have been a level of comfort and familiarity between them, which could have contributed to the inappropriate conversation.

I want to emphasize that it's not normal or acceptable for someone to send explicit content to an ex, especially without consent. This behavior is not only disrespectful but also potentially harmful. It's essential to recognize that your girlfriend's actions, or lack thereof, have caused you emotional distress and raised questions about her commitment to your relationship.

Now, regarding her claim that she's discussed this with others and they didn't think it was a big deal, I want to caution you against minimizing or justifying her behavior. It's crucial to remember that your feelings and concerns are valid, and it's not about what others think, but about what you feel and what's acceptable in your relationship.

In a healthy relationship, partners communicate openly and honestly, respecting each other's boundaries and feelings. It's essential to have a conversation with your girlfriend about what you've discovered and how it's affected you. Approach this conversation calmly and assertively, expressing your feelings and concerns without being accusatory or aggressive.

Here are some questions to consider asking your girlfriend:

* What was going on in that conversation with Andy?
* Why did you deny involvement and claim you couldn't remember?
* How do you feel about our relationship, and are you committed to maintaining trust and respect?
* What steps can we take to rebuild trust and move forward?

Remember, it's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and take care of yourself during this challenging time. If you feel like your girlfriend is not taking your concerns seriously or is not willing to work on rebuilding trust, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship.

Lastly, I want to remind you that you deserve respect, honesty, and transparency in your relationship. Don't settle for anything less, and don't be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a professional counselor if needed.

Keep in mind that relationships involve growth, communication, and compromise. It's possible to work through challenges, but it requires effort and commitment from both partners. Take your time, reflect on your feelings, and prioritize your emotional well-being. You got this!