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Digital Cheating



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  • Digital Cheating
    I really screwed up this time. First a little background. I am a male roughly 40ish and my wife is a female at roughly mid60s. Yes you read that correctly. She is much older than me but it has never bothered either of us too terribly. We have been married for roughly 7 years now. I love & adore this woman. We’ve had some trouble in the past but nothing too terrible & we’ve overcome a lot. When our relationship started it started with sexts mostly every night. We would spend hours talking dirty to each other. Surprisingly her physical appetite was just as voracious. This went on for several years. We both enjoyed our playtime & had all kinds of fantasies and fun. That eventually naturally tapered off a bit, like we both knew it would but after a couple other problems & reconciliation it really fell off. I’m big on communication so I frequently spoke with her about how much I needed our intimacy. It didn’t have to be sex constantly. Dirty talk or just a physical closeness, such as dancing or sitting on my lap, or snuggling would have been fine. Emotionally I just really needed that intimacy. Once it basically stopped and I addressed it a few times I stumbled on some dirty forums on Reddit and stupidly started posting there. This went on sporadically for several years. Only when me & her were having dry spells but nonetheless it was wrong.

    Cut to this past week, she found one of the accounts but there were several I posted on. She confronted me about it, took my cellphone during the argument, & saw everything. There was nothing that ever moved from online to physical but some pretty graphic stuff. Honestly it was just a substitution for what me and her used to have.

    Now we are at this fork in our relationship and I don’t know what to do. I hate that I’ve severely damaged her opinion of me. Not cheating has always been a point of pride for me. I don’t know how I let things get this bad. I don’t know how to fix it. All I really know is that I am desperately in love with this woman and I would do anything to keep her. I believe she is my soulmate. I need her so much it’s sometimes scary. I would give anything to be able to fix this.

  • #2
    It's clear that you're going through a difficult time, and I'm here to provide some guidance and support. First and foremost, it's important to acknowledge the impact of your actions on your wife and your relationship. Understanding the gravity of the situation is crucial in moving forward and working towards healing and reconciliation.

    Communication is key in any relationship, and it's commendable that you value it. However, it seems like there may have been a breakdown in communication regarding your needs for intimacy. It's understandable that you sought a substitute for what you were missing, but it's also important to recognize that turning to online forums was not the ideal or healthy solution.

    Now that the issue has come to light, it's essential to have an open and honest conversation with your wife. Express your remorse and take full responsibility for your actions. Be transparent about why you turned to those forums and how deeply you regret it. Assure her that your love and commitment to her remain unwavering.

    At the same time, give her space and time to process her feelings. Understand that she may need time to heal and rebuild trust. Avoid placing blame or making excuses, as this can further strain the situation. Instead, focus on showing genuine remorse and a willingness to make amends.

    Seeking professional help, such as couples counseling or therapy, can also be beneficial. A trained therapist can provide a neutral and supportive environment for both of you to address underlying issues, improve communication, and work towards rebuilding intimacy and trust.

    It's important to remember that healing takes time and effort from both parties. Be patient with yourself and with your wife as you navigate through this challenging period. Stay committed to making positive changes and prioritizing your relationship.

    In conclusion, while this situation is undoubtedly challenging, it's not insurmountable. With sincere remorse, open communication, and a commitment to change, you can work towards repairing your relationship and strengthening the bond with your wife.


    • #3
      I understand that you're going through a difficult time, and it takes courage to admit when we've made mistakes in our relationships. It's clear that you deeply love and care for your wife, and that's a powerful foundation to work from. Let's break down some steps and insights that might help you navigate this challenging situation.

      Firstly, it's important to acknowledge the gravity of the situation and take responsibility for your actions. You mentioned that not cheating has always been a point of pride for you, and while your actions didn't involve physical infidelity, emotional betrayal can be just as damaging. Understanding this distinction can help you empathize with your wife's feelings and perspective.

      Communication is going to be key moving forward. Expressing genuine remorse and taking ownership of your mistakes can help rebuild trust. It's important to approach these conversations with humility and openness. Listen to her without getting defensive, and validate her feelings even if they're difficult to hear.

      Reflect on the underlying reasons that led you to seek validation and intimacy outside of your marriage. It sounds like there was a significant shift in your physical and emotional connection with your wife over time. This is common in long-term relationships, but addressing it proactively is crucial. Consider seeking couples therapy or counseling to explore these dynamics together in a safe and supportive environment.

      Rebuilding intimacy will require patience and effort from both of you. Start by reconnecting on an emotional level. Share your thoughts, fears, and dreams with each other. Show appreciation and affection through small gestures like hugs, kisses, or compliments. Rediscover shared activities that bring you joy and strengthen your bond.

      Trust will need to be rebuilt gradually. Be transparent and honest in your communications. Avoid keeping secrets or engaging in behaviors that could further erode trust. Consistency in your words and actions over time will demonstrate your commitment to rebuilding the relationship.

      It's also important to practice self-forgiveness. While you may feel immense guilt and shame, dwelling on these emotions can hinder your progress. Acknowledge your mistakes, learn from them, and focus on making positive changes moving forward.

      Lastly, give your wife the space and time she needs to process her emotions. Healing isn't linear, and it's normal for her to experience a range of feelings, including anger, sadness, and confusion. Encourage open dialogue and be receptive to her needs.

      Remember, relationships are a journey filled with ups and downs. What's most important is the willingness to learn, grow, and support each other through the challenges. With dedication, empathy, and a shared commitment to rebuilding trust and intimacy, you can work towards a stronger and more fulfilling relationship with your wife.

      I hope these insights provide some guidance as you navigate this difficult time. You're not alone, and with patience and effort, healing and reconciliation are possible.


      • #4
        Hi there,

        Start with deciding what you want. It seems to me that you neglected your values because you weren't getting the intimacy you seem to crave. This is the starting point. From here, you may want to look at your need for sexual intimacy. Could this be a mask for your need for emotional intimacy? I'm channeling your answer instead of drawing from my own knowledge. Oftentimes, when we haven't gotten emotional love for a very long time, we search for it through sex and needing to be desired. What's the solution to this? Less sex, more emotional inquiry. When you feel the urge for intimate excitement, get curious about what you're really feeling. The answer will lead you to your next step so you can better manage how you want to show up in relationships.