How Will He Get To Know The REAL You?

[Sandra]

I am just beginning a relationship with a man after being out of the dating game for some time (nothing tragic or dramatic happened, I just haven't dated anyone in a while).

It is clear to me that this guy likes me a lot, and I really admire him, too! I want to let him see more of who I am, though, and THAT is what I have been having trouble with in these early stages of our relationship.

He is a really funny guy, and I think the way he deals with his nervousness around me is by cracking jokes.

While I enjoy this, I feel like he may see me as some laughing bimbo because I never make clear to him my OWN opinions about things, I just laugh or say silly flirtatious things when I'm around him (because that's how I deal with my nervousness from being around him!)

Basically I was wondering if you could give me any tips on really letting who I am come to the fore while still enjoying his humor.

[Gloria]

Hello Sandra:

My goodness...how many of us as women have put ourselvesthrough the exact same kind of self-torture you're going throughright now?

When we meet a great guy we want everything to be PERFECT, right?

We change our dress four times and look in the mirror four DOZENtimes before going out with him, don't we?

And then, once we're sitting there in front of him we definitelywant to do all the right things...and be sure to avoid (God forbid)doing any of the WRONG things.

But even when we KNOW the guy actually likes us, what do we do?

We STILL fret over whether we are portraying ourselves in the rightway.

We want him to recognize our feminine greatness as soon aspossible...all while trying our best not to commit some faux pas or another that he might consider a "dealbreaker".

Well...based on what you've mentioned in your letter to me, here's some great news for you.

Your new guy friend almost for sure doesn't view you as a "bimbo".

In fact, he probably already considers you a woman of high character if not a total GENIUS.

Why? Well, I promise you solemnly...there is NOTHING more powerful you can do in the early stage of dating than laugh at his jokes.

While we all seem to prefer men who don't come off as needy "approval seekers", the truth is that ALL men LOVE actually GETTING APPROVAL from women.

So YOU are doing A LOT right already, girlfriend! Laughing at his jokes is likely making a very POSITIVE impression on him.

In fact, let's focus on those positive things you've got going on. I've got two major points for you in that respect that I think will be helpful.

First, you talked about his jokes and your positive response to them as directly related to "nervousness".

While it's true that some people deal with uncomfortable, awkward situations by laughing (usually in some forced, unnatural way), I doubt that's what is going on here.

If he's cracking jokes, he's enjoying your company and especially enjoying the fact that you are ENTERTAINED.

Guys in general LOVE to have REAL, TANGIBLE EVIDENCE that the woman they are with is having a GREAT TIME.

When they have to guess whether or not you are enjoying yourself on a date with them, it vexes them terribly--often to the point where they don't even feel comfortable asking you out again.

So if anything, that give and take with the jokes and laughing is probably HELPING iron out the natural nervous energy between the two of you.

That's right...I said NATURAL nervous energy. It's not a BAD thing to be excited. The BUTTERFLIES are to be ENJOYED...and not to be mistaken for nervous FEAR that you're going to "mess up".

And when you get right down to it, I do hope that the POSITIVE type of "nervous energy" is what you are feeling. After all...you know he LIKES YOU already, right?

Second, just like I'd love to see you kick back and enjoy his company without fear that you're coming off wrong, I'd encourage you also to REST ASSURED that there's PLENTY OF TIME for every exquisite facet of your feminine, human complexity in all of its glory to shine through.

All of the thoughts, opinions and dreams in your heart are manifold enough that it can and will take MUCH LONGER to express them than you two have been hanging out together.

And that's an understatement!

Right now, there's a lot of laughing and joking...and I hope that never ends for you two.

And believe me, I understand how you want him to see the depth of who you really are above and beyond that as soon as possible.

But this takes TIME. And trying to rush it can actually be counter- productive.

Guess what? There's probably some DEPTH to HIM also that you've not figured out yet. Won't it be fun to learn more and more about him over time...enjoying each new discovery as it unfolds?

And he'll enjoy getting to know more and more about who you are over time also. It sure beats "drinking from a firehose" if you think about it.

Heck...Scot and I are STILL finding out new things about each other, and probably will continue to do so for the foreseeable future!

So by all means, enjoy the excitement of beginning a new relationship, and embrace the idea that there's PLENTY OF TIME to continue to get to know each other. After all, that's part of what makes life fun.