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Even though I was from a very middle-class family, a series of events had landed me an academic scholarship at one of the most exclusive private schools for rich kids in the Baltimore metro area.
From the very first day, I knew I didn't fit in there.
Being the "new kid", none of my neighborhood friends were there. I had to start from zero, which is a challenge for any seventh grader changing schools.
But in this case, I also could tell instantly that I didn't have the right clothes. I didn't have the right "pedigree". I was clearly low-man on the social totem pole in just about every way.
It didn't take long for my already suspect pre-pubescent self-image to take a nosedive.
But meanwhile, something really odd was happening.
Even as I was feeling completely alienated, I started getting attention from some very, very cute girls.
Maybe it was simply because I was new. Maybe it was because I was different. Who knows? But they were talking to me...and being friendly.
Now, I realize these are seventh graders we're talking about, but when you're that age the most heavenly MOTOS on Earth typically happen to be seventh graders like yourself.
So when the attention started to come from girls who were not only cute but smart, socially popular and dressed in the most expensive clothes possible, my brain started to play tricks on me.
But what really fried my circuits was that their last names tended to be the same as people like my U.S. Congressman, the weatherman on Channel 13 and last year's Cy Young Award winner from the Baltimore Orioles.
You had to be kidding me. Why would these girls even TALK to me?
It was the "Too Good To Be True Factor" in its purest form.
So, of course, I did what many of us as guys--young OR old--would do: I assumed they weren't serious. They must be making fun of me.
And that's what I accused them of. As some bizarre sort of protection mechanism, I at best ignored them, sometimes rejected them, and in particularly grim moments called them out on their
cruel "trickery".
Before you know it, it all became a self-fulfilling prophecy. They really DID start to dislike me. They began to make fun of me--for real.
And decades later, I now know why. I had led.
During that fateful seventh grade year, one of the coolest teachers we had was Mr. Green. As a recent college grad and an All-American lacrosse player, he had been hired to be a coach but doubled as an English teacher.
Looking back, I'm sure he had pretty solid skills with women. All the girls loved him, and there were even rumors about him and a certain attractive female seventh grade Math teacher.
At the end of the year, when yearbooks came out, he wrote something particularly interesting in mine. It read as follows:
"Relax and have fun. The girls love you. -Chris Green"
The simple fact that any teacher would sign a seventh grade kid's yearbook with his first name was cool enough. But the message itself amazed me.
Unfortunately, it would take several more years for me to realize that perhaps what he was saying was true.
And even then, it would take many more years to really "get it".
Usually, "unattainable" is synonymous with "ones we really like".
Isn't that the truth? Man...so much of all this is in our own heads.
This is often because we tend to suffer from what I call a "Limiting Belief In Reverse" (LBIR).
You know what a "limiting belief" is by now. In your mind you're too poor, too old, or too something else to get the women you want.
And you also know by now that I believe it's unreasonable to assume all women think like you do about your "limiting beliefs".
Well, here's how a LBIR works.
Basically, when you see a woman you really like, you assume she has no faults, and that she has unlimited ability to attract any guy she wants and get whatever she wants from them.
In other words, even as you believe you are inherently unworthy, you ascribe ultimate, perfected worth to her.
Yes, it's sort of like an all-conquering halo effect on steroids, but it's also indeed the opposite of a "limiting belief".
As some sort of way to underscore your own limitations, you ascribe goddess-like perfection to her in order to further insulate yourself from self-blame when you don't approach her, or when you screw up the first date.
But see, just like a "limiting belief" robs YOU of potential success, the LBIR has a similar--but reversed--effect.
By assuming she's "unattainable", you've pre-DISqualified her in a sense.
Now, obviously the lack of self-confidence in combination with putting her on a pedestal is likely to work against you in these situations. That's the first reason why so many of us can't seem to attract the women really want.
But guess what? There's an even more devastating factor that derails us: our own arrogance.
That's right...I said it. When you pre-judge women as "unattainable" simply because they are your exact type, you've made an unfair assessment that ignores HER potential input on the matter.
You've made a decision on her behalf that she won't like you. It's kind of like saying, "My way AND the highway", if you think about it.
In the real world, I've noticed that while it's true none of us can be all things to all MOTOS, the actual pattern in which women DO respond favorably to a particular guy typically has little to do with the type of women that guy would guess he'd "look good with", be more attracted to, etc.
In fact, and perhaps shockingly, some of the women who aren't our type at all tend to like us. Others, not so much.
And here it is: While not every woman who is your vision of female perfection will like you, it's equally true that some will. A lot. Perhaps even as much as you like them.
But just like you've got to do away with "limiting beliefs", you've got to do away with LBIRs also. And the latter is the step I think most of us us overlook.
Why?
Because we are always taught to focus on ourselves. OUR inner game. OUR outer game.
And when we don't get out of our own heads, we often fail to see the perspective of the exact women we'd like to attract.
Even when your skills with women are solid, you've got to be able to see the proverbial "forest for the trees". You can't make their decisions for them when it comes to attraction...even though that doesn't stop us from trying, apparently.
Will you get every one of them? No.
Will you get a lot more of them than when you pre-DISqualify all of them? Most definitely.