How Do I Get My Man to Detach Himself From His Ex-Wife

[Olivia]

My question is: how do I get my man to disentangle himself from owning a house with his ex-wife when the children are long gone and grown up and she was the one who went off and had an affair. I am suggesting he takes action to either get her to sell the house and split proceeds or to buy him out. It feels like I am not a priority and she still has a hold on him emotionally (even though this is over fifteen years since their divorce).

We discuss this to death and he still takes no action even though he says he is going to because she won't let any of the grown-up kids live there when they need.

Look forward to your answer.

[Judith]

Okay. Consider yourself warned because I'm going to level with you:

Your man owns a house with his ex-wife. And you think he needs to take action and sell it. As you say, you feel like this house represents your man being emotionally entangled with his ex.

That may be. But - it's just a house. And holding on to a house isn't bad. Not at all! If anything, it's a wise move. He's avoiding taxes. He can rent it out. Or they can leave it to their grown kids.

The fact is... His ex is the mother of his children, so she is going to be in the picture for a long time, no matter what you do. That's to be expected.

The real question is the two big problems here:

Problem #1: You're all involved in this situation - it bothers you. And that's a problem. Why let it bother you? Just let them do whatever they want to do.

The house belongs to them - and in the future eventually - to the kids. Not to you. So it's very unseemly that you're prodding him about this at all.

Problem #2: You're endlessly discussing this with your man, and you're telling him what to do. And you're saying he's "not taking action" which tells me you're communicating to him that he's a failure here.

He's not a failure here. I'm only surprised he's not telling you to stop bugging him about it!

Let him and the ex-wife do whatever they choose to do with this property. It's truly no concern of yours. You're killing your time with him by harping on this subject or even bringing it up at all. And you're killing the relationship too.

Not only that, but almost everyone reading this will definitely agree - except for the ones who are bugging their man about something very similar!

This man is probably one great guy. Appreciate him and respect him by showing him you trust his judgment. Drop the subject for good!

On the positive side - obviously you care about this man. Or you feel a certain possessiveness and you dislike that he retains some connection to his ex-wife.

I get that. But why let her take up any space in YOUR and HIS time TOGETHER?

Just enjoy! Don't let it be about her - unless he brings it up. And then do your best listening - to whatever he's experiencing.

[Olivia]

Good advice, thank you Judith!