Can I Be Too Generous In a Relationship?

[Caroline]

Would love everyone's input on this question.

I am currently separated and am waiting to get my divorce finalized before starting to date. I am using this time to become the best woman I can be.

Part of this process for me is to look at what went wrong in my marriage (other than that I picked a very broken man).

I found that I over-functioned in my marriage and the worse things got, the more I gave. From what I have been learning, this was a big mistake.

I am a very giving, nurturing person. Can I be too generous in a relationship?

Giving is a part of who I am and I don't want to make the same mistake again. I derive tremendous pleasure out of giving to those around me, without the expectation of getting something in return.

How do I stay true to my authentic self in a relationship, without over-doing the giving part?

When I care about someone, I want to show them. It could be cooking them something special, showing them appreciation with words of encouragement or doing something for them.

This has been very successful with my children and friends, but not

so much in my marriage. I don't know if it was because he wasn't capable of receiving love or if it was something that I was doing wrong.

I know it's hard to be able to answer this question without knowing the whole situation. My view of giving to a partner is that we would both give to each other in ways that show the other person how special and loved they are.

Since I can't control how the other person does things, I give to show my side of the love. I don't know if this makes sense.

Thanks for your input

[Malvin]

I am so glad you made a good decision to wait on the divorce to be finalized to start social courting.

It will not be easy but it will be well worth it.

For better or worse, having an active social life while legal proceedings are going on can (at least theoretically) have a detrimental effect on your case for custody, etc.

Above and beyond that it is just MUCH, MUCH easier to build trust with a man and get the relationship off on the right foot when you are not still legally married to someone else.

And you are absolutely correct...the interim between now and when your divorce is finalized is a great time to learn so much and grow as a person.

You will be ready to make a great choice when it comes to the next man in your life.

And now, on to your main question...

Please rest assured that you are not alone on this issue of being taken advantage of.

As women you are nurturers; you want to make people happy.

I read somewhere (I cannot remember now where I read it.)

"Men are providers and enablers for women to have the freedom to bring abundant joy and happiness to the family and the world."

Women have an all-important role in life and men are supporters of that.

However, since we live in an imperfect world something good really can turn to something, well...less than good.

For example...

A little wine can do the heart good but it can surely been abused to the point that it can damage the body.

With all things there is a balance.

Here are a few basic guidelines to help you determine if someone really is appreciative of your kindness or they are taking advantage of it.

1. Guard from allowing yourself to be the only one who is giving in any type of relationship.

Give the man or friend an opportunity to shower you with kindness too.

Ironically, for many "givers" this can feel very uncomfortable at first.

Just remember there is real truth in the saying...

"There is more joy in giving than receiving."

Therefore, why rob someone of the joy of giving you something, whether it be in the form of a tangible object or some special favor to you?

2. Be careful about giving in to others who brazenly make DEMANDS of you.

If you are called upon to drop what you are doing for someone right then and there, it is time to make a quick judgment call.

No matter how much you WANT to help someone, be sure to ask yourself first...

"If the roles were reversed, would this person come to my aid or would I get an excuse?"

Ironically, that excuse can often come in the form of...

"Yeah, well...I'm in the middle of something."

Manipulative types only help you when it is convenient for them.

Do not put yourself out for those types of people.

3. Know "The Golden Rule In Reverse."

This is the perfect antidote for when someone is trying to manipulate you.

Sometimes if you balk at providing immediate help to someone who is asking something of you, they might try to make you feel guilty...as if YOU are the unreasonable one and should feel like a bad person for not giving in.

When this happens ask yourself the following question...

"Would I ever in a million years do unto someone else what is being done unto me right now?"

If the answer is "no" - that the though of putting someone in that position is unthinkable - then you have your answer.

Keep this in mind and you will never be manipulated into "over giving" again.

4. Make boundaries for yourself ahead of time.

There is nothing wrong with saying "no."

It is your right, and oftentimes it is actually in the best interest of whomever is making requests of you.

Although you cannot control what other people do, you can control what you let them do to you.

Continue to love and nurture those you love but create boundaries that are in everyone's mutual best interest and stick to them.

All of what I have shared with you takes practice and time to change but you can start today with friends and family.

By the time you are in a place to social court you will be ready!

Good to hear from you again Lorraine.

Take care of yourself

[Lily]

Women can be very generous and giving in relationships. Naturally a girl wants to impress her new man early on. However, giving too much is never a good thing when you hardly know a guy. If you give too much without requiring that you receive in return, he may well take your generous gifts but he will know subconsciously that you undervalue yourself. He will lose respect for you early on. He may well take advantage but then he will probably leave.

This is because giving too much tends to come from a sense of neediness and inadequacy. If I give more, he will love me more. If I do more he will appreciate me more. She gives because she does not want to lose the relationship that gives her purpose. She is frightened to say no to him in case he gets upset and dumps her. Perhaps she does his laundry, lends him money and gives him gifts or sleeps with him too soon. She may put her own life on hold so she is always available to him and gives in to his last minute requests and demands.

Does he appreciate this? No, he does not. If she lets him walk all over her, he will not respect her and the relationship will be doomed. He will assume she is desperate. Or that she is easy. A man actually wants a woman who can stand up for herself and will look out for herself, despite what he says to the contrary. This is because a man wants a woman who values herself. If you give yourself away to someone you hardly know, you do not value yourself. And if you don't place any value upon yourself then he certainly won't. Men will value and respect you in accordance with the value and respect that you place upon yourself.

An immature man may encourage you to be selfless, and give generously to him, but he will only be interested in you as long as you are giving. As soon as you expect something in return, he will not be able to give back. You will end up exhausted and drained. This is 1 good reason to get to know him before you give too much!

Added to this, women who give too much in relationships are generally incapable of receiving because they don't feel worthy. She feels uncomfortable if he pays for dinner or buys her gifts or helps her out in any way. She feels she should be independent and doesn't like to ask for his help. However, a mature masculine man needs to feel needed by his woman. He is happy to help, as long as she admires his efforts. It is important to him to be significant. Generosity is a masculine trait and for this reason, a man will love to treat his dream girl. A woman who knows how to receive and appreciate will bring out the best in her man and make him feel good. These are the relationships that succeed, not the ones where a woman gives too much.

Instead, her giving makes him feel smothered. He senses her neediness and he feels uncomfortable with her expectations. He wonders when payback time will come. Such women are giving because they want something back. They want the relationship at any cost. Who the man is tends to be fairly irrelevant and he knows this. Without the relationship she feels empty and void.

If you are one of these women who give too much in relationships, then you are not alone. Most of us have been there at some point in our lives. Giving too much is generally an unconscious behaviour. We don't even know we are doing it. Once you are aware of it, you can start to look at the reasons why you do it. Realise that now is the time to start placing a higher value on yourself so that a man will value you more. Start learning to receive as well as to give and appreciate every little thing that your man does for you. This will encourage him to give more and feel good about it. If you can do this, you will have more energy and happier relationships.

[Caroline]

Thank you all for the advice.