Sex problem with 6 year relationship

[Goodkatherine34]

Hello, I have been in a relationship with someone for 6 years. Ill give a short backstory of our past first than ill get into the problem. Okay, so we met in our junior year of high school. We both moved out of our parents house at 18, and lived with our friend in a trailer. We had a lot of problems with intimacy, we rarely had sex and he formed an addiction to porn. Our friend began to have feelings for me, began to resent my boyfriend( which was his best friend for since grade school) and it began to cause a lot of problems. ( none of use cheated on each other). We eventually moved out to our own teailer and began to work out our problems. He quit watching porn and I began to be more open with him. Out relationship is great. I love this man very much. We do everything together and were both very open about out relationship and both work towards our problems and how to solve them. There is still is a major problem. Our intimacy. Its something that has always been a problem for us, and I really don't know what to do anymore. We don't have sex very often, and whenever we do its not at all what it should be. Its not passionate, is lacking the connection that two should have when making love. Its seems like a void and it hurts me. He seems very distant. He never initiates sex and whenever he does it usually for foreplay or something like that. When I try, sometimes it leads to sex, but most of them time, be seems obvious. It really hurts to be in this spot. I mean, I'm literally writing this on a forumnright now at 1 am cause I don't know what else to do. I mean, I'm a girl, and I want some attention, I want him to hold me and give me a real kiss ans make love to me, but it feels so empty. Part of me feels like its me, maybe I'm an attention whore, but then again, I deserve for a man to make love to me. We don't have sex very often, maybe like 3 times a months. And its usually me initaing it. Yet he still shows me how much he loves me and everything else. Hes perfect in all other departments. I know that he loves me. I need some advice, I would really appreciate no responses like "dump his ass" I need someone please take this seriously. Cause I wabt this to work. Were such a good pair and I really need to this problem to get fixed.

[Zinok]

Sounds like he might have a problem with his testosterone levels. This could be something chemical, you should gently suggest he talks to a medical professional about his issues.

[Clinton]

I think you should discuss this problem with him. You really need to tell him how you feel about not having sex regularly. The fact is that, he won't know how you feel if you conceal it and might think he is doing his best to show you love. So, it's best to have a one-on-one talk with him regarding this issue.

[Goodkatherine34]

Thanks for the advice. But the thing is, is that we have talked about it , over and over and over again. We both have had deep discussions about it to the point where we both had a huge cry fest. But its like we talk, he shows me attention for a day or two, then it goes back to our normal relationship where he shows me no affection and esp no sex. He told me it has nothing to do with me ( which is really starting to feel a lie at this point cause part of me truly feels like it might be me ) , but if he wanted sex with me, he would have sex with me. I mean if I want to eat a slice of cake I will go to my fridge, and get out a slice of cake and eat it. Its not that complex. I don't know. I didn't mean for this comment to be so long. I'm sorry. I'm just really hurt by the whole situation. And part of me feels like I'm betraying him just by shouting out all our problems online, but I really don't know what to do anymore.

[Olivia]

One of the most common problems in sexual relationships is men falling asleep immediately after sex. If your man does this, you can perhaps take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. In fact, most men go to sleep immediately afterwards, so if you have this problem you are in the majority and if you don't you are in the lucky minority.

Fortunately, there are some easy steps you can take to fix this problem. If you've already dropped some subtle (or not so subtle hints) and had no response, don't despair. Experience (and field research) has shown that men seldom respond to this, certainly not in the long term. However, there are other methods which have been shown to be more effective.

The first step to fixing this problem is understanding it. However, briefly there are:

• Fatigue and/or relaxation. Sex most often occurs late in the day, when men are tired. It also typically occurs in the bedroom, the natural place for sleep. In addition, sex often is relaxing, not least due to the release of sexual tension.
• Environment. Habit and environment are strong influences. For most people, it is natural to sleep in bed and to sleep at night. Consequently, after having sex in bed late in the day, it is natural for most men to then simply go to sleep.
• Hormonal. A variety of brain chemicals and hormones are released during sex; some of which are linked to relaxation and sleep.
• Indifference. This is the explanation most frequently given by women when asked why men fall asleep after sex. They propose that the man's needs (sexual release) have been met and they are then no longer interested in the woman's needs.

Of course, there are some men who will naturally cuddle after sex, and others who will do so in response to their partner's emotional needs. However, if you are in the majority of women whose men do not do this, you have three choices:

• Accept that your emotional needs for cuddling after sex will not be met. Obviously, this is not a satisfactory situation.
• Ask (or insist) that he cuddle. This may work, but as explained in the article quoted above, it usually doesn't.
• Remove the factors which cause him to fall asleep after sex. In general, this is the most successful approach, and is the one discussed by this article.

The first thing to do is to try and have sex when he is not tired. For example, instead of having sex at night, wake him up on a Saturday or Sunday morning (but not when he is hung over or has to rush off somewhere) in a provocative way. Be extra sexy and try extra hard to please him. If sex in the morning is a special treat, he will want to repeat it. Also, you may also find that on a weekend morning you can have more leisurely sex (although this is more difficult if you have young children that need attention) and are not tired from work, which can also make it especially pleasing. If he has just had a good night's rest, he is less likely to fall asleep afterwards. If mornings are not possible, then a weekend afternoon perhaps.

Relaxation also plays a big part. Consider things that will stop him falling into a relaxed stupor afterwards. Wear sexy underwear that you haven't before, make love in a different way, tell him that you have a surprise for him later in the evening. Anything that adds a bit of emotional edge, excitement, anticipation, surprise.

The environment is very important. Sex in bed is comfortable, but is also very conductive to sleep afterwards. Try a different location; for example throw a thick blanket down on the living room floor. Candles and/or a lit fireplace can add atmosphere. Have music in the background; preferably something not too soothing. Think of the things that help him sleep (for example, quiet, dark, soft bed, late at night, alcohol, evening watching TV) and change them.

The third item, hormonal, is more difficult (if not impossible). As discussed above and in the reverenced article, sleep hormones are released during the point of climax, with more intense climaxes releasing greater amounts of the hormone. Just remember that the hormones do not force a man to go to sleep, they just make him more predisposed. Get the other things right and you can hope to have you man wide awake afterwards.

Most men find sleep after sex (especially with the associated release of sleep hormones) completely natural and find it very difficult to understand or respond to their partner's emotional needs for post-sex cuddling and bonding. The can try asking and explaining, but experience shows that this is seldom effective. Likewise, anger, threats or withholding of sex isn't particularly effective (nor does it get the type of response that one wants). Experience shows that in this case, as in so many other situations, positive reinforcement is the most effective approach. One begins by getting him to cuddle a bit, even if it is only for a few seconds and mostly you doing the cuddling, then telling him that you like it. Telling a man that he has done something well in bed (cuddled you) and pleased you in so doing will almost always be far more effective than criticizing him (e.g. for not cuddling). Once you get him up to a decent cuddle, you can try more extreme reinforcement. For example, next day tell him how much you enjoyed cuddling after sex; if he is embarrassed don't worry as this means that he will likely remember it all the better.

If you happen to mention one day that you were talking to your girlfriends who were complaining about their men falling asleep after sex and you told them that you are blessed with a great lover that doesn't do this, that should really stick in his mind. After all, while possibly embarrassing, what man doesn't want to be known as a great lover? Certainly, he doesn't want you to go back to them a few weeks later and say that he falls asleep like all the rest.

[Milla]

hello Goodkatherine34 have you thought maybe it has to do with his addiction to porn? i know men who like porn cant really feel connected to real sex, try and see a counseller, if you really both love each other i think you should seek for a professional, i feel your pain and i think this can be solved, i had a friend , a male friend who had this problem and slowly he started consulting and it s now going away, i might be wrong, but just give it a try,