How Poisonous Women Trick You Into Thinking YOU'RE The Problem

[Elliot]

I'd been seeing this gal I was rather fond of but made some tactical errors along the way.

As I permitted myself to be locked down by a certain woman, I lost all leadership status and spent the last two months being emotionally blackmailed by her.

This has been pure misery and underscores the importance of having dating options and not getting rid of those options because a woman you're seeing wants to be exclusive.

Furthermore, I learned a valuable lesson in being aware of any incongruencies. For example, although we were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship, she didn't behave in a way that I would expect a committed woman would.

Such as staying the night with me and then lying in bed with me the next morning texting her guy "friend" co-worker about dinner plans...this really upset me but I didn't say anything as I didn't want to appear controlling.

This gal would say the most endearing things when we're together but then needed her "space" and when I tried to make plans with her she would throw out the "controlling" card and say she's done...only to come back for sex and start the whole cycle again.

She would say she adores me, loves spending time with me, can't wait to see me etc., but dare I mention getting together more than a couple times a week or question this so called "friend" she would have a melt down.

Any advice/thoughts would be helpful and much appreciated.

[Dennis]

Hello Elliot,

I would agree 100% with each of the observations you made. The good news is that you've absorbed the experiences and already have turned them into wisdom for the future.

One angle I would add is that this woman really appears to be a "controlling" type herself, having locked you down into exclusivity quickly only to flaunt it before your very eyes.

A very common modus operandi for such people (men or women) is to accuse the other partner of what they themselves are clearly doing, sort of as a pre-emptive strike.

It's all kind of reminiscent of a school kid saying, "I know you are, but what am I?" whenever a peer calls him names.

(On a less humorous note, it's also a device used by those who suffer from certain serious mental illnesses. Talk about "danger signs"...)

Anyway, assuming you'll remain passive and choose to avoid conflict, that effectively takes the issue off the table for discussion indefinitely, if not forever.

As such, with the fear of being perceived as a "controller" firmly instilled in his or her partner, the manipulator (her in this case) can freely, well, "control".

Before you even realize what hit you, you've been had...yet you somehow stick around anyway, thinking you're the problem.

Obviously, any chance of a mutually beneficial long-term relationship there is cooked.

In the future, the way to mitigate against this is by having options and limiting your personal emotional investment up front.

I talk often about how it's unethical to keep women in your life who are falling in love with you when you already know that you have no long-term intentions.

Mostly that's because such women become vulnerable to manipulation--often to the point of openly and readily expecting it, and even gladly enduring it.

Now you know first hand that this phenomenon is not gender-specific.

So then, how would a man who's a chooser rather than a chaser handle all of this?

Well, for starters you wouldn't have agreed to exclusivity so soon.

And even if you had, you would have pulled the plug on that arrangement as soon as it was apparent the design was expressly to keep you under her thumb.

Similarly, at the first sign of gross violation of the exclusivity pact, you would have simply informed her that it was no longer in effect. Period, end of story.

Only fear of loss causes one's thoughts to turn to how the relationship can be salvaged in that case.

But perhaps ironically, literally (but tactfully) kicking her out of bed and inviting her to get the hell out would have been the single best way to re-assert masculine control over the situation.

That would have served notice that you can't be walked all over like a cheap carpet.

See, the more one passively accepts what's going on, the worse the problem will get--even as she respects you less and less.

It's ye olde "pushing of the envelope".

Finally, I would add that this particular woman's pattern of calendar management is the hallmark of a "player"...and yes, those absolutely do come in the female variety.

The schedule of your time together was under her control because; a) you let it be, and b) because she had other guys to fit into it.

Again, in that context she was able to keep you faithful to her because you didn't want to come off as a "controller", along with the simple fact that you had greater emotional investment in the relationship than she did.

This is the perfect storm for harem creation, regardless of the gender of the "harem builder".

And now, here is the breathtaking irony of it all.

Assuming that you would have been okay with continuation of a casual relationship with this chick (and I admit that's perhaps an incorrect assumption), you STILL would have been more successful with her had you boldly moved to show her you were more than willing to excuse HER from your life before ever excusing her unacceptable behavior.

For example, had you indeed kicked her out of bed without any drama and/or any need to elaborate upon what should be a clear reason why, my edumckayted guess is that she would have come back to you later with profuse apologies.

To be sure, that's not exactly the healthiest way to conduct a male/female friendship regardless, but you can see how the dynamic would have been different nonetheless.

Whoever is chasing is not in control of his or her dating life.

And regardless of what you may have read in marketing copy elsewhere, "getting women to chase you" is a dysfunctional arrangement in its own right.

In a healthy relationship both partners are "choosers", and both partners are equally grateful for having been chosen by the other.

Everyone's personal power is dignified, and naturally everyone's choice is respected.

Before closing, there are a few other points regarding this particular woman that I'd be remiss if I didn't address.

For starters, as I see it any woman who violates "TGR-R" is skating on thin ice from the very first infraction.

But to be so flaky as to tell you she's "done" after you've filed very reasonable grievances is even more troubling.

And to sweep it all under the carpet (and expect carte blanche acceptance from you) the next time she's horny is the epitome of a "red flag", if you ask me.

Add it all up, and the longer it all goes on the less you're being respected...by either her OR yourself.