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Should You Withhold Sex?

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  • Should You Withhold Sex?

    Hi, I have a question,

    I have been dating with the guy for three years and have been always stating that my final goal is a marriage and I do not going to date for ever. He was stating that its the same for him but we have some disagreement about my kids, we need to work on. For the last years it looks that we only fight every time we were trying to resolve disagreement and he said we need to put marriage on hold. I suggested to place on hold intimacy till we resolve the issues. For me intimacy is something special that is a reward for working hard. He stopped contacting me conditioning it getting back to intimacy.

    I am thinking was I right removing intimacy or is this the only things he want from relationship.

    I appreciate your opinion or any advise.

    Thank you.

  • #2
    Hey Sandra,
    First, take a deep breath, because this is going to get honest. So honest that it's gonna hurt...

    This relationship is over.

    And BOTH of you are to blame.

    First, let me applaud you for laying down what you wanted early in the relationship. You want marriage. You don't want to date forever. You (at least you said) you made that clear to him. That's fantastic.

    ALWAYS BE CLEAR IN YOUR INTENTIONS.

    Ladies and men, never sit around hoping that your partner will pick up on subtle clues or hints you drop. If you want marriage and kids, your partner has to hear those words come out of your mouth.

    Unfortunately, that's where the good news stops...

    It sounds like he either lied or changed his mind. You mention in your email that he said he also wanted marriage at the beginning...but it's been 3 years. If he is consistently telling you to put it off, he doesn't want to get married. It might have been an idea he WAS into, and then after awhile realized that marriage wasn't for him, or marriage with you wasn't for him.

    I have a rule. If you've been dating someone for 2 years, you should know if you want to marry them or not. Plain and simple. 2 years is enough time to know if you want marriage or not. Does that mean you have to get married right then and there?
    No.
    But it does mean the two of you have to have a conversation about marriage and the future. You both need to make sure you're on the same page. And if you're not? Move on.

    The one stick in the mud here is the issue of the children. From your email it sounds like the children are yours and from a previous relationship/marriage. There is a chance that the children changed his mind about marriage. He might have wanted marriage when it was just the two of you, but realizing he would also be a father is something he might not have been planning on.

    Let me be clear. There is no blame on the children here. And in fact, no blame on him either. Some men don't want to be fathers. And that's okay. Just like some women don't want to be mothers, and that's okay! He might have stuck around to see if he warmed up to the idea, or if his mind would change but that subject is a deal breaker. If he doesn't want to be a father, then he isn't going to marry you.

    Now some of you might be thinking "But he isn't the FATHER, he would just be there to help out and look after them! Kind of like a great friend!". Doesn't matter. When you marry someone with children you take on a parent role no matter how big or how small. If he doesn't want any of that responsibility that is not his fault.

    What is his fault is sticking around after he figured that out.

    Now, onto a stickier topic....

    NEVER WITHHOLD SEX.

    Movies, books, and the media have given women this stupid idea that if they withhold sex from their partner a magic switch will flip in his mind and suddenly he will see the error of his ways.

    WRONG.

    Withholding sex just hurts your relationship. As I talked about a couple weeks ago, when you are fighting sometimes it's great to have sex during the fight!

    If you have told a man "we aren't having sex until you apologize/until this happens..." and he either apologized or did what you wanted...IT'S BECAUSE HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX AGAIN. The apology was not meaningful and doing whatever you wanted was done because he wanted to have sex.

    Withholding sex only causes more problems and tension within the relationship.

    So what do you do instead of withholding sex?
    It's simple.

    COMMUNICATE.

    You didn't see that one coming did you?.....Of course you did. Because I talk about it every week. The key to a good relationship is communication.

    So, Sandra, what do you do?
    Well you need to talk to him. You need to ask him if he actually still wants marriage. And this is not a conversation where he says "let's talk about this later". You need to know, right here and now if that is something he still wants. If it's not, you both need to go your separate ways.

    Comment


    • #3
      I sometimes dialog with women who have begrudgingly begun to accept that the commitment that they want so badly isn't coming as soon as they had hoped - if at all. Sometimes, the man in question drags his feet about discussing the commitment, or will change the subject, or will agree to discuss it at a time in the future. But whatever strategy he is using, he's made it clear that he won't be proposing or committing any time soon.

      Needless to say, this often doesn't sit well with the woman who wants this commitment more than anything. Often, she believes that she has waited somewhat patiently. And she believes that the relationship is the right one at the right time. So, understandably, she can feel resentful that he won't commit. And she can begin to wonder what is in this whole thing for her? After all, she is giving of herself. He's getting what he wants. Which is presumably a happy relationship that includes a healthy sex life. But she isn't getting the simple commitment that she wants. This often leads her to wonder if she should give him less of what he wants (sex) until she gets more of what she wants (the commitment.)

      So you might hear from someone who says: "I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years. We are not that young. He knows that I want to be married. We have talked about this for months. At first, he told me that it would happen eventually. But lately, he has backed off of this stance. Now, he's just saying that he will let me know when he's ready to commit or when he's ready to discuss this topic again. But until then, he says that I should back off. I love him so much, but this makes me angry at him. I feel like he's being stubborn. Because I know that he loves me. And I know that he is going to be with me. And I know that he is faithful to me. So, I feel like he's determined not to give me what I want. And that makes me determined not to give him what he wants. I'm honestly considering not having sex with him just to show him what it would be like without me. My mom always said a man won't buy the cow if he gets the milk for free. Maybe she was onto something all along."

      This is a very common question and you will hear tons of different opinions on it. What I'm about to share is just that - only my opinion which is based on what I often see work and not work. I understand the reasoning behind this. I truly do. But, most men see this as form of manipulation and most do not take very kindly to that. There's a risk here that he will do something to retaliate back and, before you know it, not only do you not have the commitment, but you don't have the relationship either.

      Now, in some situations like this, the woman will look around and will realize that having sex when she is not married is compromising who she knows she is. So she decides that she's not going to have sex - with him or with anyone - until she is married. This is a very different situation than withholding sex simply to try to get him to do what you have been wanting him to do.

      I can not tell you if this plan will work or even if you should do it. I can only point out that there are risk involved with it - just as there are always risks when you try to manipulate someone who you love. And, even if you gives in, he will likely always know that you forced him into it and he didn't willingly go into the marriage. I'm not sure that this is a risk that is worth it.

      Comment


      • #4

        If you are in a relationship that is going nowhere then you feel the need to assess your man's real intention. But before you stop having sex to understand his level of commitment there are certain things that you need to understand and consider before you make your decision.

        Force cannot compel

        While withholding sex can have its advantages, making him commit by withholding sex can be a long shot. Remember that force doesn't drive relationships. If you do want to go ahead and withhold sex do it to give your man a gentle nudge to make him see the benefits of committing to you. Don't make it an act of revenge.

        Sex is only a part of a relationship

        Remember that sex is only a part of a relationship. It is something that all men give a lot of importance to but you ideally should not leverage it as a bargaining strategy. This will make you look shallow in front of your man.

        Men do not like being manipulated

        You also need to know that men do not like women who try to manipulate them. If your man figures out that you are refusing to give him sex so that he gets manipulated into a commitment then things could backfire badly.

        Saying yes could be a temporary solution

        If you feel that your man will commit to you after you hold back sex from him then you could be wrong. Your man could turn the tables against you and agree to commit only as a temporary solution without having any actual intention to follow things through.

        Shifting the attention from sex that right way

        If you want to withhold sex, then you also have to make him feel happy about other things. Making see how good you have it together is more likely to make him want to commit to you than making him miserable alone.

        Physically being absent for a while

        Absence does make a man realize what he has got and how good his life is when he is with you. Disconnect completely from him so that he gets the real picture of how lonely his life is going to be when you are not in it. You will be withholding sex from him all right but without being perceived as manipulative.

        Knowing the real reason behind not committing

        Before you withhold sex you need to know the real reason why your man is not willing to commit to you. Once you get these answers you will be able to address the problem the right way and get your man to commit.

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