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I'm not looking for a relationship, so why am I upset over being casual?

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  • I'm not looking for a relationship, so why am I upset over being casual?

    I just got out of a relationship with a bad ex, for some insight into my current situation. It was very on and off again, very physically driven, and not at all the way that I like to go about my relationships. The whole situation sort of spiraled out of control and he was rather manipulative. It was a very long pattern of wanting to leave, coming back, and putting up with a LOT of bullshit over and over again. During the times that I wanted to leave, I was encouraged to give him a chance anyways. It ended just as badly as I believed it would. Throughout the duration of this relationship, I felt like I was going insane. It was extremely unhealthy and very stressful. I have never been in a relationship like this one before and it was very confusing to me, I was unsure of how to handle a lot of things. I believe he was cheating with multiple other woman and he went as far as hitting on my mother and sending nude videos to her phone. Every time he did something wrong he would guilt trip me or promise me that he would change and do better, and I knew it was a lie. But every time I came close to leaving, he was there again and somehow kept me. To top it all off, when I finally ended it (regretfully on New Years), he simply ignored my breakup, and then decided to stay at my house. I told him that he could leave at midnight and he did not, and kept on trying to touch me and attempting to have sex, even though I repeatedly asked him to stop touching me and stated that I wanted him to leave. This whole situation has put me in a very strange place emotionally.

    I've always been the type of girl to want a relationship and never seek casual sex, that just isn't who I am. After this relationship, however, being so up and down, I've been in a strange place emotionally. At first I was rather numb, and now I know that I currently don't want a relationship, but I also don't want to be completely alone. I've been filling the gaps with casual sex, not with very many men but one or two several times. I'm not big on sleeping around, but it's been helping me. My current mindset is that I'm happy on my own. I know I'm not emotionally available and if I got into a relationship, it wouldn't last. I don't feel ready to commit or start anything serious, nor to potentially deal with more men who aren't serious. I spent several months with this ex of mine, and I just don't want to invest a lot of time in somebody else. I'm young, I recently turned 18 and I want to live my life a little bit and sort out my head and hurt before even trying. I don't want to lead anybody on or get emotionally invested. The next relationship I attempt to form, I want to take my time and do it right, and I'm not looking for that kind of lifelong commitment now. I believ

    Lately, the types of men in my life are not the sort I want to get in a relationship with. They're cute, but I know they only want to get in my pants. I'm okay with this because I'm also looking for nothing serious right now, but it still hurts me when I feel like an object.

    I'm currently okay with the way I'm going about things, but for example, just earlier I was having a conversation with one of these men. I was explaining that it's actually difficult for me to have conversations, and I got the response 'I'm glad we can stick to sex'. That's what I'm looking for right now. But somehow, it still stung when I got that response, and I'm not sure why. I don't really need to mean anything to these guys and I'm not looking for a relationship, so why did this upset me?

    If we're both looking to be casual, I don't understand why that would still bother me. I don't have feelings for this man and know that the situation is nothing more.
    Last edited by syn.th0; 02-10-2018, 03:25 AM. Reason: adding to previous thoughts

  • #2
    Originally posted by syn.th0 View Post
    I'm currently okay with the way I'm going about things, but for example, just earlier I was having a conversation with one of these men. I was explaining that it's actually difficult for me to have conversations, and I got the response 'I'm glad we can stick to sex'. That's what I'm looking for right now. But somehow, it still stung when I got that response, and I'm not sure why.
    You felt bad about his response because it made you feel unwanted. It's normal for you to feel this way, however, don't allow this feeling make you do things that will make him want you. It will be best if you stop seeing him rather than acting in a way to feel wanted.

    I will advice you stop casual sex with men. The best thing to do now is to keep several men around you as just friends so you don't feel lonely.

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    • #3
      An increasing number of people are entering into friends-with-benefits relationships so instead of telling you not to do it, which quite frankly is DEFINITELY (bold, underscore, italics, ALLCAPS!!) my advice, here are my seven recommendations for how to do it properly!

      The Criteria

      1. Honesty -- With yourself. If you are secretly hoping that your FWB will turn into a long-term relationship, don't do it!

      2. Discretion -- My great-grandmother used to say that if you want to keep a secret, tell a dead person.

      3. Focus on the task -- Clearly the physical aspect is a key benefit here. Focus on it and do it well!

      4. Trust -- In other words, don't be territorial. You don't have the right.

      5. Soberness -- Need I say more?

      6. Acquaintance vs. friend -- If you pick an acquaintance, you don't have to worry about losing a friend when it's all over.

      7. Rules -- Clearly lay out the rules. For example, is PDA allowed (Public Display of Affection)?

      And, most importantly, don't say I didn't warn you!

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