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Relationships with incompetent/emotionally unavailable Men



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  • Relationships with incompetent/emotionally unavailable Men

    Hello everyone, I am new to this forum.
    First things first, I have come seeking out honest advice here. While I have a good support system in my life, this is isn't something I can talk about with my friends/family without getting judged and criticized. Often in the past when I have spoken to my close ones about my personal issues, they were ignored like they are not serious problems and shouldn't be discussed.
    I am 28 years old and have been blessed with a good family and many life privileges. However, in the past, I have never been able to find a healthy and consistent relationship. To make this short, the first man I dated was at the age of 15. The man I was dating turned out to be a predator and was almost twice my age back then. He took advantage of me sexually and emotionally and then disappeared when he got what he wanted. Ever since then, I have had an unhealthy fear of relationships/men and always sought out relationships that I knew wouldn't last long. I dated men that lived overseas or men I knew were emotionally unavailable.
    I also dated a man when I was 25 for 5 months. However, although I knew that he did not want a long-term relationship and was going to eventually move to another state, it did not stop me from pursuing him. I kept lying to myself and truly believed that we were in love and we're going to end up together. This by far had the biggest impact on me. I was depressed and cried for months. I wasn't able to date anyone for 3 years and the idea that I had to have a man in my life to make me happy was repulsive. Subsequently, I had great men that were marriage material ask me out, but I refused out of fear.
    There is more to my story, but this is the jest of it. However, right now I am more receptive to the idea of wanting a to date again and truly want a healthy and consistent relationship. I recently joined a dating site and have the intentions of speaking to good men. However, I seem to fall back to my old habits. I am cold and dodge kind/ quality men on the site and seek out the emotionally unavailable/casual guys instead.
    I know I have a problem, and I can recognize all the red flags of a casual man, but I can't help myself. It's like a moth being attracted to a flame. Also, please no judging, I know its a problem and I am trying to fix myself so any advice would be helpful. I don't want to end up all old and alone.

    Thank you in advance.

  • #2
    Nothing is more wonderful in having a life with someone you commit for the rest of your life. In this article, overcoming commitment phobia is emphasized because it is an important tool for a life that is growing and nurturing as the people will continue to interact with someone else until he/she finds someone to be with without fear of changes, and most of all without fear of commitment.


    Life is not always certain and no matter how we avoid some things, we will be encountering people who are so much afraid of commitment. Those commitment phobic people are the ones who fear getting involved into a long term relationship and the changes associated with it. They also fear the idea of getting HURT, the occurrence of conflicts that can be too hard to bear, devastating INFIDELITY and some FINANCIAL consequences. The fear cannot just simply happen without a known cause, as this can arise out of negative past experiences on a relationship or some other reasons, but whatever are the reasons, it will not have a good effect into a person's life which he/she is unaware of. The fear will make the person out of reach and he will not be able to build a meaningful relationship with someone or to his family and even to friends making his life UNHAPPY and BORING.

    True enough, nothing can be done in life without getting committed to it. Whether in the relationship, or in the job, it always asks for a commitment and LIFE will always ask for your limitless commitment. How can you be able to perform your function in the family and in the relationship when you will not be committed to do it? You see, the idea of COMMITMENT is not something to be feared. When you make a commitment to someone or to a particular thing in life, it only shows that you are responsible and can handle different situations of life independently and maturely. So even when reality is telling us that there are people, including you (maybe) who really fear commitment to life and to anyone and would just run away from the situation, take NOTE that you are actually missing some significant things in life. So, to prevent from experiencing this, ADMIT YOUR FEAR and learn the ways in overcoming commitment phobia.

    1. ACKNOWLEDGE the fear that you really do not want to share your life with someone. Sometimes, the person who doesn't successfully find a relationship is the one who are not sure about their feelings if they really want it or not. As such, getting clear with your goals is part of the first step. Start identifying what you really want or else when you are at the start or middle of the relationship, you will not get confused and just leave the relationship hanging, and worst, hurt the person you were once committed for.

    2. Never enter into a relationship when you know you fear commitment. Such fear will only put into the new relationship in a rocky road. When you already know the causes of such fear, work on it. When you were wounded before from your previous relationship that caused you to be what you are right now, it's not good to enter again another relationship. Again, make time for yourself. This time, think about things that make you happy. Think about building your whole you. Rebuild your self-esteem and confidence by doing things that makes you worthy such as cooking, attending short classes, etc. When you fear commitment because of the possibility of infidelity and separation, change the way you think. Remember, it will not happen when you and your partner will fulfill each other's needs. Change the way you think about things, be logical.

    3. It's also good to talk about your fear to someone dear to you and whom you trust, or might as well discuss this with a professional that can really understand your situation. Talk about anything and everything about your fear, your reasons and the causes. If time cannot permit you to overcome it, then consulting a therapist is the quickest and most effective way of working out your problems. More so, during the therapy, make sure to be proactive and be willing to cooperate with things he asks you to do.

    4. Learn from your friend's experiences on a relationship. How they have been intimate and loving with each other and most importantly on how they have stick together even if problems occur. You may also look at your parents and grandparents who have been together for so long yet they still keep the bond they promised. You see, by knowing those wonderfully given facts, it will help you realize that it's a beautiful experience to be committed and there's no reason to be fearful about COMMITMENT.

    5. If you are very eager in overcoming commitment phobia, the fastest and the most effective way is to undergo a group therapy from a professional. There you will be encountering different people who have the same FEAR and PROBLEMS with you. You might hear their stories and what they have learned and find out. The therapy may also show you success stories of a man's conversion from being commitment phobic to non-commitment phobic. You will really be learning a lot and eventually you will also apply it in your life, which then help you build a meaningful relationship to your friends, family and to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.


    • #3
      Can there be a cause and effect to this commitment anxiety?

      I mean as the Course in Miracles teaches, "Without a cause there can be no effects, and yet without effects there is no cause."

      I'll explain:

      Have you ever tried to understand someone who has fear of commitment in relationships? I have several good friends who have the signs of this type of commitment anxiety.

      The majority of them are guys.

      They can not select simple things.

      They discover it hard to choose on what to eat throughout a fine dining event, they can not choose between two excellent theater shows, even on what to wear in the morning.

      Take my longtime friend Mike, for example, had never been involved in serious relationships, considering the fact that even back when he was in his 30's and is a perfect marrying age for guys.

      He is one of my closest good friends and had always been a bachelor with a great career and excellent income.

      I believe that he has had commitment phobia in relationships.

      He would never accept that idea, which in truth is another characteristic of a person who has commitment anxiety.

      About 20 some years ago I had this conversation with Mike:

      Me: "Have you ever had a major serious relationship before?

      Mike: "Nope." He, answered.

      Me: "Why?"

      Mike: "It's due to the fact that I'm not ready to settle down".

      Me: "What are the things that made you not willing so far to settle down? I asked again.

      He simply shrugged his shoulders and paused.

      Mike: "It is merely since I'm afraid to dedicate to a nice woman, and I just don't feel a 'readiness' within me to get married at this time. I'm scared that I may not handle it properly and she may try to control me.

      Me: "Then you are one of those who hesitate of commitments or the worry of serious obligation and commitment."

      Mike: "Am I afraid of commitment? I don't think so... "

      Is having fear of commitment in relationships not healthy or healthy at all.

      Commitment phobia in relationships can truly hold you back, since it is just that life needs us all to unite and be wholly committed to a world where we are all helping each other.

      What I mean is, a few short years not too very long after that conversation with Mike, he met a wonderful woman, Mary.

      They dated, slowly, the pace picked up, or we may say, deepened, and while both Mike and Mary now in their 40's, decided to tie the knot.

      Yes, they married, and to this day are one of the happiest couples you'll ever meet.

      The Course in Miracles goes on to further teach us that, "The cause of healing is the only Cause of everything. It has but one effect."

      Fear of Commitment

      Fear of commitment in relationships might begin from childhood from which an individual suffered from distressing experience, such as separation of parents, divorce, and death.

      Being afraid of relationships can also be a result of poor role models in which the person may have experienced offending relationships.

      Signs of a committed relationship that frightens people can be defeated by different techniques.

      The most typical technique used in overcoming commitment phobia, and the hypnosis or hypnotherapy that has helped many.

      You may be able to point them in the right direction if you have friends who want to begin overcoming commitment phobia.

      Fear of commitment in relationships scientifically, is a kind of commitment anxiety.

      It is commonly called as the commitment phobia, which refers to a person who is afraid of being dedicated to any deep relationships, duties, tasks and projects.

      To a happy life!