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  • Broken Relationship?

    I am not sure if I can keep this brief. I have had a tough time going through all of this, and I usually start my stories from the beginning. If there’s anyone out there to read this with patience, I need you.

    My background:
    I am a 26 year old female with a very religious background. I have lived in the United States for over a decade now. I met my first boyfriend at the age of 18 in college. I had never even imagined discussing the topic of my virginity. Believe me when I say this, I come from a very religious background. My virginity was something I had never even considered losing before marriage. So when I met this guy (let’s call him M) freshmen year of college, he wanted me to have sex with him, as it would bring us closer. I obviously did not want that. He kept convincing me that it would make us happier, that we would end up getting married and be together forever. So, after a lot of conflict on my part, it ended up happening. It just happened. I never planned it, I never made the first move, but it just happened. Soon after, I went into a very deep phase of depression. I felt like I had made this mistake, and now I must stick by him to work it out no matter what. He started cheating on me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I ended up getting hospitalized. I was at my lowest. He told me he couldn’t be with me because he needed to marry a virgin. He sat me down and told me I was stained forever. I decided I could somehow change his mind and have him keep me. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t dirty or stained. I just couldn’t bring this up to anybody. So I stayed with him. Our relationship became abusive. He would beat me, he would bruise me up so bad people would be extremely concerned. But, I couldn’t leave because I was afraid no one else would take me. I stayed in that relationship for 3 years. I was the unhappiest I had ever been. I used to be the happiest, liveliest person before I met this guy. By the end of those 3 years, I looked like a walking zombie. I looked older than my age. It took some of my friends to actually pull me out of that mess. I was so broken I can’t simply type any of it. I was completely devastated. For three years I heard him tell me how no man would ever want to touch me because I am a complete lunatic, psychopath, insecure bitch etc, etc. When I finally broke it off with him, I felt this weight come off my chest. But I didn’t know how to heal. So I went down this self-destructive path of sleeping with any guy who made me feel special. I used to tell every guy about my ex, they would sympathize, tell me how beautiful I was, how I needed to be with someone who would love me, and that would be it. I would cling on to that person for comfort, for love. I would cry day in and day out because I continued sleeping with people despite what my values were. My faith was completely shattered. I was shattered. I would look at every passing girl and become insecure thinking maybe she’s a lot purer than me. Maybe I’m just the slut I’ve been told I am. My sadness turned into anger, and I continued down this path until I racked up 7 more partners. It finally came to an end, when I started dating another guy (let’s call him P). P and I were friends at school, and he gave me two of the best years of college. He never asked me about my past, and already knew everything my ex had put me through since we had the same group of friends. We got along great, and I finally felt like I was gaining my old self-back. Instead of being isolated, P and I were constantly hanging out with friends and enjoying college the way its supposed to be enjoyed. He gave me nothing but love and respect, and I still smile when I think back on those days. P and I however both knew we couldn’t get married because he was on a scholarship that prevented him from marrying an American citizen. And I also knew we were going to eventually have to part ways. When that day came, it was the most civil way of ending a relationship. We’re still friends. We still talk. I care about him a lot. We’ve both been there for each other post-breakup for about 3 years now. After P, I dated my last boyfriend. This guy (let’s call him A), felt like he was perfect for me since day 1. A and I are also from the same country, we both moved to the US around the same time and had a very similar background. He knew about my past, and never judged me for it. We moved past that and continued our relationship for 3 years. We both wanted to get married and loved each other dearly. Unfortunately, due to certain religious reasons (he was from a different sect), we ended up breaking up. It was a tough break up, but I was stronger this time around. I knew if i could get over my first ex, I could get over anybody. I also vowed to never sleep with any man after A. I vowed to keep myself protected until I was married, and that I would never speak of my past again because I had finally made peace with it. I now wish him well, and we remain broken up on good terms.

    Here’s where my current situation is:

    A few months ago, I started talking to this guy who does not live in the United States. He is also from my country (remember I moved to the US from diff country). We met online, and hit it off really really well. I was immediately drawn by his intelligence, his humor and his hobbies. He seemed like just the man I had wanted to be with. We had so much to talk about and would stay on the phone for 5-6 hours of the night. It was going perfectly well, until he told me he drinks alcohol. I have never drank and never been with anybody who does. It is a choice I have made in my life and I have never gone against it. It hurt me knowing he drinks, and I tried asking him how we could address it because I just could not and will not see myself marry someone who drinks. It is against my morals and beliefs. However, I decided to be compromising and continue the relationship because I truly, genuinely liked this guy. I told myself that we would just work on it and find a way to move past it. I kept falling for this guy harder and harder every day. I would find myself smiling just thinking about him. We started a long distance relationship and have been together for 6 months now. At the start of our relationship, he asked me how many relationships I had been in. I told him 3. That was the truth. I had had three long-term relationships. I did not ask him the same question. I just didn't want to know because I felt like it was irrelevant. I wanted to love him whole-heartedly and I wanted nothing from the past to interfere with us. had decided to leave the past where it belonged. I also wanted to protect myself. I did not tell him about the other partners. (Side Note: I am completely clean, and have always used protection). I know how I am now, and I know I would never sleep with anyone until I am married. He didn’t ask me if I had slept with any other people, and so I decided to not even bring it up. The relationship continued on until one day he randomly said, I’m sorry I can’t be with you. I was completely shocked, and appalled. I had no idea what had happened. When I tried asking him what had happened, he simply would not answer me. He just started going off on me saying “how could you do this to me?” “How could you be this way?” “ I never want to see your face, I never want to talk to you”. I begged him to tell me what had happened, but he wouldn’t. He had been perfectly normal with me the night before. I was literally shaken. He left me and three days later decided to call me asking me “Help me fix this”. He gave me no explanation as to why he left, and started begging met to take him back. I start feeling bad for people almost instantly. So instead of asking him why he did what he did, I started being there for him and wanted to make sure he was okay. He was very upset on the phone and said he has insecurities, and just wants me to be with him forever. I asked him if someone had said something to him about me, but he said no. I asked him to give me some time to process everything; he said he couldn’t do that because he needed me. I fell for his words and decided to continue like nothing had happened. Then he started acting paranoid about everything. He would ask me if I had slept with so and so and I felt extremely attacked. He would drink every other day, and it would hurt me but I couldn’t ask him to stop. I felt like by doing that I was asking him to change something about himself. I didn’t want to change him because I didn’t want it to backfire on me some day. I kept my mouth shut when he went out with female friends, got drunk, and wasted. I would sometimes raise my concerns, and he would talk to me for hours telling me how he’s going to quit someday and he’s working on reducing how much he drinks. I would always believe him and tell him there's nothing our love cannot overcome. Fast forward to this month. We met up recently (we are in a long distance relationship) and then two days later, he starts acting really weird, and asks me how many guys I have slept with? I was extremely scared of his tone, because he made it seem like he already knew the answer. After a lot of back and forth of me telling him nothing good will come of this conversation, he threatened to shoot himself if I didn’t tell him the number. I finally caved and told him. That’s where all hell broke loose. He screamed, he cussed at me, he called me names I can never even imagine being called, he said he can never touch me again, is completely disgusted by me, wishes he had never met me. He got so extremely drunk and drugged out, he called me threatening me that he would come to my house and kill me, and then kill himself. All because I allowed other men to touch me. He kept calling me horrible names and saying he can never even look into my eyes again. He started asking me about every single guy I follow on instagram and facebook. Note: I do not follow any of those guys from my past. Now let me tell you, this guy follows over 4000+ people on instagram. MAJORITY of these are models, girlfriends, random girls from different countries. He completely cornered me on the phone and started asking me disrespectful details about my past. I was so uncomfortable but scared. I heard him take a gun out. I was absolutely horrified because he kept threatening he was going to shoot himself. He comes from a broken home, and so he started hysterically crying about his parent’s divorce, his family issues and then me. How I betrayed him. How I let other people touch what was supposed to be his. How I acted like a whore and a slut. He also mentioned how he’s slept with girls, but how he loved every single one of them. I stayed on the phone with him for 5 hours just because I was worried about his safety. It was the hardest time for me because I endured 5 hours of disrespect, disgust and slander. When he finally passed out on the phone, I felt my soul shattering just the way it had when my first boyfriend and I had broken up. I knew I could never look at this man the same again. He called me the next day telling me how he wants to fix things with me because he cannot live without me. He told me he needed me and I needed to be there for him while he gets over this “Trauma”. The whole day he kept calling me asking me to be his support because he’s extremely sensitive and is absolutely sure we will make it past this. So, I stayed. I gave him comfort. That night he asked me to give him every single detail about every single guy. I was so scared he would repeat the previous night’s ordeal that I sat down and told him things as calmly as I could. I told him my story, and how much pain my past brings me. I told him I made mistakes because I was hurting. I told him how I had vowed to never sleep with anyone unless I was married. He started listening and said he understands why I did what I did. He said he just needs time to process all this and will make it out of this. Then he started getting intimate on the phone with me and I was extremely aware of what to say and what not to say. I did not want to say anything that would make him think of my past. In the end I gave in, and started being intimate with him. He continued to say, im sorry you don’t make me feel special because you've already been with everybody else. That really hurt me. I stayed quiet and he said I need to endure this right now for the sake of our future. He said he would eventually get over it, but until then I just need to be there for him. When I said its hurting me, he said you’re not understanding my pain. I told two of my best friends about this fight, and they immediately told me to get out of this. When I told him I shared this with my best friend, he freaked out and said he’s disappointed in me and am letting people confuse me because we love each other so much and we will make it out of anything. For the next two days, he started acting normal and continuously told me how crazy in love we are. I couldn't get all of his cuss words out of my head, but I chose to be there for him and talk to him when he said he was depressed. I chose to give him comfort when I was hurting. I have stopped eating for a week, I keep thinking I'm extremely impure. I keep thinking I should be punished for what I did. I feel disgusted.

    My gut tells me to get out. I want to. But, im extremely worried. He makes me feel so guilty. Every fight we get into he tells me im a bitch and I mistreat him. I have never ever mistreatd him. I have never cussed him out, or honestly anyone ever. I always put people before me. I always put my pain aside to make sure the other person isn’t hurting. But, im hurting so much right now. I am not happy. He doesn’t even realize how much I've compromised with his alcohol issue, yet he makes it seem like he is the one compromising because his partner has already done things in her past. Is this considered abuse? He is constantly yelling at me when I don't answer his calls, or If I am online but talking to friends. He constantly keeps a check on me and then says he's just coping.
    How do I leave this relationship? How do I fix any of this?

  • #2
    In a quote saying, "it takes two to tango" clearly defines that you cannot reach out yourself for the relationship to continue blooming. Here are some ways on how to fix your relationship successfully:

    1. Learn to compromise. It is not always you who will manipulate the relationship. A relationship should be on a give and take basis. You cannot always give everything for your partner because in the long run, there will come a point that you have got nothing left for yourself, and you will get tired until such time that you feel giving up.

    2. Learn to Listen. A partner who knows how to listen simply personalizes the value of respect. If you feel you always do the talking and you have not given your partner time to talk, and then stop for a moment, listen to what he wants to say and everything will just follow right.

    3. Communicate. The only thing that allows you and your partner to start saving the relationship is communication. In this way, partners can have enough time to talk and voice out what they want to change in their marriage and what they want to maintain. They can also talk about the differences of their personalities and attitudes. In communication they will both learn to bind again what has been broken and start all over again.

    4. Get Attractive. I hate to say this but nowadays, more women are being left because of how they have changed physically. It is not on the appearance that we have to base our love for our partners but let's be realistic, our partner and vice versa would want us to be beautiful in their eyes, keeping them inspired all the time. I am not saying that you have to put heavy make up for you to be attractive. A simple combing of hair, light make up and nice dress to impress would be of help.

    5. Keep the love alive. The duration of the relationship varies depending on how they will maintain it. Keeping the love alive means you always have to find time to watch a movie, eat dinner together and talk anything under the sun. Simply being with one another will assure both of you that you have a partner that loves you.

    Greatest couples are those, who despite the rocky roads of their relationship, continues to nurture each other the best way they could. Many may ask why some couples have been successful in managing their relationship. Now, you also have to ask yourself, how have you been to your partner and vice versa? How to fix your relationship could only mean three things: LOVE, RESPECT and CONNECTION.

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    • #3
      It may feel impossible to leave, but let me assure you from personal experience, that not only can you leave, but you will be able to create a life for yourself that is simply wonderful and free of abuse.

      Following is a 5-step plan that will help you leave this unhealthy relationship if you simply take each step as it comes in the order given, and don't over-think any of the steps. Also please avoid getting yourself anxious and upset by worrying over how the other person is going to react. We both know they aren't going like losing you - you've been a very handy verbal punching bag for them, and they won't let go easily. But in order for you to have the freedom you desire to lead a more loving and expansive life, you are going to have to walk through the fire to get to the other side. Believe me, that passage to the other side, where you'll be able to finally experience wonderful, loving relationships, is much shorter than it appears when you keep building the fear in your mind about how impossible it will be.

      This is not impossible. You can do this - you can leave an emotionally abusive relationship and begin to thrive instead of dying more inside each day.

      Here are the 5 steps I suggest, that will take you from stuck-dom to freedom!

      1. Commit to leaving. Make a firm, irrevocable commitment to yourself that you are ending this abusive relationship and you are not going to put it off any more. Say to yourself, "Up until now I couldn't see a way out of this pain, but now I commit to leaving this relationship." Please note that at this stage, be very careful not to announce your commitment to the person you are leaving. You're not ready for that step yet. This first step is an inside job. If you have a trusted close friend whom you trust one hundred percent to keep the secret, you may confide your commitment with this friend. Enlist their support in being your "partner in believing" who believes and knows that you can do this, and that it will be for your greater good. If you suspect someone you want to confide in will run to the person you're leaving and tip them off, then please keep this step to yourself for now, and know that I believe you can do this.

      2. Plan it. Work out the details about leaving. For example, if you are married or living together, the details will include such decisions as whether you will move out or ask the other person to leave physically. If you own property together, please be sure to consult an attorney or other professionals who can give you the proper advice about your legal and financial obligations and rights. If you have school-age or younger children, you will of course need to keep their needs in mind while making your plans. Again, I urge you to not tell your kids prematurely about this. If you tell them what you are planning before you have told your partner you are ending the relationship, the secret becomes a big burden for your children that they should not be expected to carry.

      3. Rehearse. Plan what you are going to say to your partner when you let them know you are ending the relationship and that either you are moving on X date or that you expect them to be out by a specified date. I have included many scripts for exactly what to say and how to say it in one of my programs because I know how challenging it can be to want to break free from abuse and not trust yourself to have the right words when you need them.

      4. Do it. Pick a date and simply tell him or her that it is "over!" Don't spend so much time on steps 1-3 that you are actually in procrastination mode rather than in action mode. Keep moving forward and you will find all the power you need from your Higher Self which is tapped into the Universal Spirit many of us call God. You have all the power you need right now to do this. Believe in yourself, but instead of blurting out step four the moment you make your decision to leave, start at step one and you'll find the whole process will go much more smoothly for all concerned. Your goal is to leave with integrity and self-respect, not in a huge slamming doors event that will resonate in your mind in an ugly way and block your spiritual growth. Allow this to be a beautiful moment of breaking out of your cocoon and flying free.

      5. Stay firm. Your partner will probably protest and try to talk you out of leaving the relationship. Out will come all kinds of promises for changed behavior, vows to be more loving, plans to take a trip you've longed for, and so on. You might feel uncertain suddenly - and that is the whole point of his marketing campaign to win you over. Keep a journal and write down all the facts of what it's truly been like living or being in a relationship with this person. Don't soft-soap it the way your partner will. Write about your pain and your emotional upset and confusion. Then when your partner tries to paint a rosy picture as if you are being overly dramatic or even childish in wanting to leave, you will know in your heart that you are making the right decision for yourself. And you will be able to say calmly and firmly: "I am leaving. Nothing you say or do will change my mind. My decision is final." Even after you are physically out of the relationship, your former partner will probably try to get you caught up in phone conversations or insist that you meet for coffee. He or she may try to lure you into getting together to discuss something other than the relationship, such as the kids or how to finalize some of the material goods you are splitting up or how to use the dishwasher. Learn to see those attempts for what they are: bait to get you back. Do not engage in long conversations. If you do need to talk to your former partner about something legitimate such as the children, keep the conversations and interactions very short and to the point. Learn how to say politely, "I have to go now," and then either hang up the phone or get in your car and go. Stay firm in your decision to end the abusive relationship and in your commitment to a better life for yourself. Keep your eye on the goal you have for yourself of enjoying only healthy people and healthy relationships from now on. With practice, staying firm with your boundaries will quickly become a new habit you can use in all areas of your life.

      Now that you have the five steps to leave an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship, don't allow this information to simply be something you've read and found interesting. If you don't take the five action steps you will not actually leave the relationship, you'll simply stay stuck the same as you are right now. You can do this - I know you can, because I've done it myself and I have never had one moment of regret over leaving the abuser. Start with step one, right now. Then move on to the other steps and remind yourself that I believe in you and I know you can do this.

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