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So my story is going to be a little all over the place and convoluted, but here we go. Hold on to your asses. I would really appreciate it if you read, I really need the advice.
So to start, I have had a long run of unfortunate dating experiences. All of the people I've been in love with have either been shitty to me, emotionally unavailable, or both. Needless to say, I had my heart squashed multiple times and I'm used to picking up the pieces. Now that I'm in this position, I am realizing that all of these men have resembled each other whether it be temperaments, physique, how they dressed, and the toxic masculinity. Unrelated to these people, I was sexually assaulted when I was eighteen. A two months before that happened, the first boy I ever loved dumped me without clear closure a month before going off to college, and started hooking up with a different girl. So after these two experiences happening one right after the other, I was a shell of a person. I didn't trust anyone. I was very uncomfortable with intimacy and being close to people. I even told myself that I was asexual. I remained this way for two years. During those two years, I had opportunities to go on dates and interact with men, but I ghosted all of them out of incredible fear of being manipulated and hurt. Anyways, two years passed and I met this boy at my school, we'll call him John. The moment I met him, I knew something was going to happen with him. This wasn't at all a 'love at first sight' instance for me, but it certainly was for him and I could tell. I wasn't attracted to him initially, but I was certainly intrigued. He made it very obvious that he liked me, and I was someone who was desperately wanted to be loved, so I gave in to him. I ended up loving him and felt myself opening up for the first time in a long time. I matured a lot in the realm of intimacy, and I felt very comfortable having sex with him overtime. The relationship wasn't perfect though. John had a lot of mental illness and physical pain that made him frustrated and often took his anger out on me. I could understand where it all came from, but I too began to feel frustrated for always being an emotional punching bag. Whenever I wanted to talk about my feelings it turned into a huge argument. Nothing felt calm, things always felt like they were hot or cold. Regardless, this boy loved me and I loved him, and even though I didn't like the way I was treated or the things that were said to me, I didn't want to be with anyone else. He always talked about spending the rest of our lives together and I could see that too. I grew close to him. I loved his family and spent a lot of time sleeping over his house because it was close to my job at the time. This was the first mature relationship, and certainly an impressionable one. But eventually, John yelled at me to shut up one too many times and I was done, but was scared to leave the relationship because I didn't want to be alone. We ended up separating, and even though it took me sometime to realize that it was all for the best, I was utterly destroyed.
When the break up happened, I was hit with this question of "what now?" On my 21st birthday, I got my tarot cards read to see if I could get a glimpse of my path or a push in the right direction. The woman ultimately told me not to go back to John, and that things would be ok. She did my yearly spread, and it looked like I was going to get into a relationship during the end of the year. Supposedly it's going to be short term, it'll be positive, and I'll be happy when it's over. That has never been my track record, being happy after a relationship, but I was like sure--ok.
A few months go by and I'm feeling intensely lonely. I came to realize that I might be bisexual, so I downloaded tinder to explore myself. I met this couple, a man and a female, who were looking for a third. I matched them and we started talking. We eventually met up to get drinks and I went home with them to hook up. Overall, it wasn't into it but I didn't hate it. I'm not sure if that's because I'm not a threesome person or because I didn't feel an emotional connection. I also wasn't 'mindblown' when I was hooking up with the girl directly. Again, I didn't love it but I didn't hate it. I'm not sure if that was because she wasn't necessarily 'my type' and/or I didn't really know her that well.
I met this boy on tinder, we'll call him Owen, and I was immediately drawn to him. Everyone else kinda faded away. We hit it off immediately, and I was feeling the feelings of getting really excited when he would text me and stuff. We met up in person and we have so much in common and have the exact same sense of humor. I really enjoy spending time with this person, and better yet, he respects me! He is so incredibly nice, emotionally receptive, and sweet. It felt good to be spending time with him. Until I remembered my tarot reading. I started to get really anxious about this person leaving. He is supposed to graduate this spring and I'm not. I thought, maybe he it's because he'll move once he's done with school, but he told me that he's planning on staying where he is. So then of course, I start to obsess on why this would ever end like how my tarot cards said. I begin to regret that I ever got them done because I can't handle knowing a potential future.
We eventually get to the point where I'm very interested in having sex with Owen. And we do, and it was good not great, but what else can you expect with a new partner? The more we started to have sex though, the more I would just feel...sad. I'm able to orgasm and felt energy when I was intimate with him, but I feel out of my body sometimes and not present at all. A part of me thinks that I'm still not over my ex because it feels weird to be intimate with someone else because John was my first back on the horse. And then I started to think about my tarot reading, and I started to overanalyze all of the reasons why I would be happy if the relationship ended. And I already decided that this relationship will fail because of all my past experiences and getting my tarot cards read. One of the reasons is that maybe I'm more gay than I think I am. How would I know? I only had one experience and I shouldn't use that as my tell all. And since I've come to thinking that's a possibility, I'm picking apart my entire child/teenage hood to see if there's any signs. Most of, if not all, of my crushes have been on boys, and they felt very authentic. There were a few times when I might've felt attracted to a girl looking back, but it wasn't anything compared to how felt with guys. I've been in love with men, been drawn to men energy for relationships, and always saw myself with a man. But now I'm not so sure. I can't shake this feeling. If I'm not 100% with this guy who I have everything in common with, our personalities/temperaments align, and someone who really loves me, then how could I feel good about anyone? I recognize that I may have a fear of relationships right now because I have been severely hurt in the past, and I am definitely obsessing over my tarot card reading and it's affecting my life and happiness. It has gotten to the point where I told Owen that I can't see him anymore because I'm not ready/not sure why I feel so uncomfortable. Owen is supportive of me making this decision but I, without a doubt, broke his heart and mine. When I'm with him, I often just want to blurt out "I Love You". And I do think those are genuine feelings. I feel the butterflies when we were intimate, but it started to make me feel anxious, and I don't know why sex was making me so sad. My definition of love has always been jealousy, clinginess, doubt, and feeling like I'm the more desirable woman. Owen has never made me feel that way. I feel appreciated and genuinely loved, and it's a beautiful thing but all I want to do is run away. Owen is also completely different from every guy I've been with. He's really really tall, which makes intimacy a little more challenging. My type has always been the 'handsome but homeless look' and he's doesn't resemble that at all, which I think is a good thing. Also, my past type has been people who are incredibly sexual, and Owen isn't like that either. I think a part of it has to do with his nature, but he's aware of my past experiences and wants to be gentle--which I do appreciate, but I do like excitement in the bedroom. He's also not as experienced at sex from all of my past 'lovers', and I know I'm being impatient and I should communicate what I like in the bedroom, but it is still a change from what I've had. And if you haven't been able to notice, I hate change. I go after all of the same things. And he's completely different from what I know, and I deserve him. But I feel like I'm not ready for him/I still feel uncertain about him/feel like all of this is going to fail anyways.
Loving people right now hurts, and I'm spiraling out of control with my identity crisis. I do feel an attraction towards females, which has never been a thing for me before so I'm getting used to it. However, I still feel attraction to males, but why can't I let myself feel attracted and comfortably love the person that I know I deserve? It doesn't matter who someone is, if they make me feel loved and safe that should be it right? It is so incredibly frustrating and isolating. I feel this longing to be with Owen, but I don't know if its 'true'. I'm utterly scared. I want to be with him but fear of having to break both of our hearts again because it might not work out in the end. I don't know what I want, and I don't want to string Owen along even though he's made it clear that at the very least he wants me to be a great friend to him. I agree, because we've grown so close and honestly become one of the few people I actually trust. I literally don't know what to do. I feel anxious when I'm with him and I feel anxious when I'm not.
thanks for reading to the end if you did xxx.
So to start, I have had a long run of unfortunate dating experiences. All of the people I've been in love with have either been shitty to me, emotionally unavailable, or both. Needless to say, I had my heart squashed multiple times and I'm used to picking up the pieces. Now that I'm in this position, I am realizing that all of these men have resembled each other whether it be temperaments, physique, how they dressed, and the toxic masculinity. Unrelated to these people, I was sexually assaulted when I was eighteen. A two months before that happened, the first boy I ever loved dumped me without clear closure a month before going off to college, and started hooking up with a different girl. So after these two experiences happening one right after the other, I was a shell of a person. I didn't trust anyone. I was very uncomfortable with intimacy and being close to people. I even told myself that I was asexual. I remained this way for two years. During those two years, I had opportunities to go on dates and interact with men, but I ghosted all of them out of incredible fear of being manipulated and hurt. Anyways, two years passed and I met this boy at my school, we'll call him John. The moment I met him, I knew something was going to happen with him. This wasn't at all a 'love at first sight' instance for me, but it certainly was for him and I could tell. I wasn't attracted to him initially, but I was certainly intrigued. He made it very obvious that he liked me, and I was someone who was desperately wanted to be loved, so I gave in to him. I ended up loving him and felt myself opening up for the first time in a long time. I matured a lot in the realm of intimacy, and I felt very comfortable having sex with him overtime. The relationship wasn't perfect though. John had a lot of mental illness and physical pain that made him frustrated and often took his anger out on me. I could understand where it all came from, but I too began to feel frustrated for always being an emotional punching bag. Whenever I wanted to talk about my feelings it turned into a huge argument. Nothing felt calm, things always felt like they were hot or cold. Regardless, this boy loved me and I loved him, and even though I didn't like the way I was treated or the things that were said to me, I didn't want to be with anyone else. He always talked about spending the rest of our lives together and I could see that too. I grew close to him. I loved his family and spent a lot of time sleeping over his house because it was close to my job at the time. This was the first mature relationship, and certainly an impressionable one. But eventually, John yelled at me to shut up one too many times and I was done, but was scared to leave the relationship because I didn't want to be alone. We ended up separating, and even though it took me sometime to realize that it was all for the best, I was utterly destroyed.
When the break up happened, I was hit with this question of "what now?" On my 21st birthday, I got my tarot cards read to see if I could get a glimpse of my path or a push in the right direction. The woman ultimately told me not to go back to John, and that things would be ok. She did my yearly spread, and it looked like I was going to get into a relationship during the end of the year. Supposedly it's going to be short term, it'll be positive, and I'll be happy when it's over. That has never been my track record, being happy after a relationship, but I was like sure--ok.
A few months go by and I'm feeling intensely lonely. I came to realize that I might be bisexual, so I downloaded tinder to explore myself. I met this couple, a man and a female, who were looking for a third. I matched them and we started talking. We eventually met up to get drinks and I went home with them to hook up. Overall, it wasn't into it but I didn't hate it. I'm not sure if that's because I'm not a threesome person or because I didn't feel an emotional connection. I also wasn't 'mindblown' when I was hooking up with the girl directly. Again, I didn't love it but I didn't hate it. I'm not sure if that was because she wasn't necessarily 'my type' and/or I didn't really know her that well.
I met this boy on tinder, we'll call him Owen, and I was immediately drawn to him. Everyone else kinda faded away. We hit it off immediately, and I was feeling the feelings of getting really excited when he would text me and stuff. We met up in person and we have so much in common and have the exact same sense of humor. I really enjoy spending time with this person, and better yet, he respects me! He is so incredibly nice, emotionally receptive, and sweet. It felt good to be spending time with him. Until I remembered my tarot reading. I started to get really anxious about this person leaving. He is supposed to graduate this spring and I'm not. I thought, maybe he it's because he'll move once he's done with school, but he told me that he's planning on staying where he is. So then of course, I start to obsess on why this would ever end like how my tarot cards said. I begin to regret that I ever got them done because I can't handle knowing a potential future.
We eventually get to the point where I'm very interested in having sex with Owen. And we do, and it was good not great, but what else can you expect with a new partner? The more we started to have sex though, the more I would just feel...sad. I'm able to orgasm and felt energy when I was intimate with him, but I feel out of my body sometimes and not present at all. A part of me thinks that I'm still not over my ex because it feels weird to be intimate with someone else because John was my first back on the horse. And then I started to think about my tarot reading, and I started to overanalyze all of the reasons why I would be happy if the relationship ended. And I already decided that this relationship will fail because of all my past experiences and getting my tarot cards read. One of the reasons is that maybe I'm more gay than I think I am. How would I know? I only had one experience and I shouldn't use that as my tell all. And since I've come to thinking that's a possibility, I'm picking apart my entire child/teenage hood to see if there's any signs. Most of, if not all, of my crushes have been on boys, and they felt very authentic. There were a few times when I might've felt attracted to a girl looking back, but it wasn't anything compared to how felt with guys. I've been in love with men, been drawn to men energy for relationships, and always saw myself with a man. But now I'm not so sure. I can't shake this feeling. If I'm not 100% with this guy who I have everything in common with, our personalities/temperaments align, and someone who really loves me, then how could I feel good about anyone? I recognize that I may have a fear of relationships right now because I have been severely hurt in the past, and I am definitely obsessing over my tarot card reading and it's affecting my life and happiness. It has gotten to the point where I told Owen that I can't see him anymore because I'm not ready/not sure why I feel so uncomfortable. Owen is supportive of me making this decision but I, without a doubt, broke his heart and mine. When I'm with him, I often just want to blurt out "I Love You". And I do think those are genuine feelings. I feel the butterflies when we were intimate, but it started to make me feel anxious, and I don't know why sex was making me so sad. My definition of love has always been jealousy, clinginess, doubt, and feeling like I'm the more desirable woman. Owen has never made me feel that way. I feel appreciated and genuinely loved, and it's a beautiful thing but all I want to do is run away. Owen is also completely different from every guy I've been with. He's really really tall, which makes intimacy a little more challenging. My type has always been the 'handsome but homeless look' and he's doesn't resemble that at all, which I think is a good thing. Also, my past type has been people who are incredibly sexual, and Owen isn't like that either. I think a part of it has to do with his nature, but he's aware of my past experiences and wants to be gentle--which I do appreciate, but I do like excitement in the bedroom. He's also not as experienced at sex from all of my past 'lovers', and I know I'm being impatient and I should communicate what I like in the bedroom, but it is still a change from what I've had. And if you haven't been able to notice, I hate change. I go after all of the same things. And he's completely different from what I know, and I deserve him. But I feel like I'm not ready for him/I still feel uncertain about him/feel like all of this is going to fail anyways.
Loving people right now hurts, and I'm spiraling out of control with my identity crisis. I do feel an attraction towards females, which has never been a thing for me before so I'm getting used to it. However, I still feel attraction to males, but why can't I let myself feel attracted and comfortably love the person that I know I deserve? It doesn't matter who someone is, if they make me feel loved and safe that should be it right? It is so incredibly frustrating and isolating. I feel this longing to be with Owen, but I don't know if its 'true'. I'm utterly scared. I want to be with him but fear of having to break both of our hearts again because it might not work out in the end. I don't know what I want, and I don't want to string Owen along even though he's made it clear that at the very least he wants me to be a great friend to him. I agree, because we've grown so close and honestly become one of the few people I actually trust. I literally don't know what to do. I feel anxious when I'm with him and I feel anxious when I'm not.
thanks for reading to the end if you did xxx.
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