What to do when it does not work anymore?

[Crazyharry]

We met about 3 years ago at my workplace. I fell for her in a heartbeat. We moved in together in a two weeks after we met. I left my job, my family and my friends behind for the one I loved. Things got very tense pretty quickly, we got into fights and arguments that I did not know how to deal with it. Things similar to this happened a few more times later and eventually I started to ‘give back’ being fed up with of it all. In between those fights we had a truly amazing moment where there was loving and caring and I think that is why I got confused and didn’t recognised the signs. After a year or so, the big fights stopped, although we still fought verbally with each other and not in a nice way but then again, in between we had breaks of those truly gentle and affectionate moments and god knows, I really loved her and I let it pass on it. She still can do and say anything she wants to me and I will close my eye on it but my heart, gosh... my heart is closing itself and not only for her but a love in general. I put my trust in her and I think she did the same. Now, the days are passing by and I spend long hours at work, she stays home alone, we no longer sleep together and I do not only mean sex, we do not eat together, we hardly talk. She says she is better off alone and wants me out of her life, I am all broken just thinking about the possibility not being with her so I hang on.... but then every now and then my head takes over my heart and my bags are packed and I am about to leave and she stands up and ask me to stay. So, I stay... but days after... it is all the same. I can not see my life without her, I think she can... but for some reason we both won’t let go. I feel trapped in my mind, I do not know what to do.

[Sandra]

In the face of all this, why would anyone stay in the relationship? One of the reasons is usually practical, like being financially or socially dependent on your abusive partner, parent or friend. Sometimes, even when the person has enough money or the skills to make money, they may choose to stay because the abuser has taught them that they will not be able to survive on their own. Some may think it is the right thing to remain in such a marriage for their children or simply because leaving your spouse is wrong according to their culture or religion.

When they do work up the courage to try and leave, the abuse may escalate to dangerous proportions. This could take the form of stalking, severe physical violence and other forms of manipulation. If they don't threaten to inflict harm upon the victim, they may threaten to harm themselves, thus guilting the victim into feeling sympathy for them. The toxic combination of lack of self esteem, repeated abuse, guilt trips, positive attention obtained following the abusive episode and finally, the escalating threats when the victim tries to get away, all keep them coming back to the abusive relationship.

Research has also highlighted two very important theories to explain this. The first is 'learned helplessness'. It suggests that because of past experience of being unable to escape, victims feel like escape is not possible and stop attempting to escape in the future.

But a new, contrasting theory has recently been developed called "Learned hopefulness'. This reflects a scenario in which people in abusive relationships continuously hope that the situation will improve just because they want it to so badly. Despite the abuse, they continue to believe their partner will be able to change one day. In such cases, their partner continues to promise to change, shows affection or repentance after the abuse.

[Gray]

1. Hear the part of you that is crazy, repetitive and destructive

Half the time we live in agony because we are fearful of facing our doo-doo and think somehow if we avoid it - it will go away - it won't.

When you accept your mess without trying to push it away, you allow an opportunity for your fears, hurt and anxiety to be released and released for good.

MOST of the suffering you may experience when you break up are the voices in your head telling you - you did this wrong, your ex did that wrong and that somehow you created this hot mess of a bad relationship. Some of those thoughts cycle in a horrible destructive way: "I wasn't attractive the way he wanted", I wasn't young enough", "I'm not making enough money"... I'm sure you have a long list that goes on and around in circles.

When you hear these thoughts in your mind, the common practice is to 'focus on positive thoughts' and push away your negative thoughts. However, that does not work with a break-up because you are so hurt and the hurt is stronger than any positive thoughts you may try to focus on.

You can always focus on the better future you want, but you won't get over the relationship if you run away from the bad feelings you have in your body and emotional brain.

These bad feelings need to be felt, experienced and released.

Telling yourself to stop focusing on them and to think of something else - is not going to make them go away and only keeps repeating the cycle of negative thoughts and feelings.

2. Turn to a higher power to break the cycle of your negative emotions.

There's only about a 5 to 10% success for AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program.

Meaning only 1 out of 15 people who go through the program actually stop drinking. That's a really LOW success rate considering how popular the AA program is.

So WHY do people keep coming back to AA?

One of the core principles of AA is that they believe in a higher power that has the person's best interests at heart that champions their success. So even if you "fail" when on the program, there is someone besides you who has got your back. They call it god, on they call on a friend, their sponsor, whatever and whoever it takes, to not rely on the person doing the program by themselves.

Do not rely on you ALONE to make your way out of your mess. You need to call on a higher power or connection to love to take you out or your habits of poor self talk and lack of love.

God has become a dirty word in our modern culture. And that's because we are sick of religion's version of god and in desperate search of a personal, loving and transformational version of a higher power.

Your emotional brain is set to destruct when you've been in a toxic relationship.

You've loved, you've been hurt and your emotional brain, your nervous system and your body is living in fear because you have stored up your hurt and you're like a wounded animal just waiting for someone to strike.

If you have left your relationship and you're still carrying that hurt or fear (or both - they are always entangled) then you're going to react from that emotional brain.

The emotional brain is a thousand times more powerful (and older) than any other part of your brain.

It's important to be able to interrupt the emotional brain with a power that is more powerful than it. And if you try to use your rational-logical brain - it simply isn't powerful enough.

What has been proven to break the power of the emotional brain, is a feeling of love, comfort, safety and connection to something more powerful than you. That feeling of pure love that you can connect to and you can call it whatever works for you: 'god', greater consciousness, a faith in a love that you knew when you were young with a loved one or a character you love from a movie or story. It just has to be the best version of love you can imagine and connect to.

Anything that makes you FEEL connected to a love that is BIGGER than you is necessary to support your emotional brain to begin to feel safe - so you can unlock the negative cycle of hurt and fear that your brain has got itself trapped or 'hard-wired' in.

3. Release your hurt in a healthy and empowered way.

The most important way to release your past is in a way that you feel powerful as you are doing that - like a champion who has worked hard and achieved a great reward.

The main reason most people avoid facing hurt in a relationship is they are scared of being a mess or coming across to others like they can't control their feelings and themselves.

Why is AA only 5 to 10% successful? Why do people go back to drinking if it got them into trouble in the first place?

When you get to a part of you that is hurt, it's natural to be scared and go to your old habits and 'soothers' that took away your fear of the hurt or your fear of not knowing what to do.

One of the reasons you attract the "wrong guy" in a relationship, is because you are being challenged to actually see what parts of you that you are scared to see!

But instead, you blame the "wrong guy" for triggering these deep dark negative cycles of feeling. And then you say, I did something wrong and that's why I attracted the 'wrong' guy.

You're missing the point.

You're actually being shown a part of yourself that is desperately wanting to learn HOW to LOVE but you never had the opportunity to learn HOW to LOVE.

When you grow up and you get hurt, no-one teaches you how to be open to hurt or not be fearful of the hurt or to say sorry or to look for someone to help you!

Most of the time, the hurt gets ignored, pushed under the carpet and life continues. Meanwhile, your emotional brain is remembering the hurt and creating the feeling that goes into your nervous system and emotional memory that relationships are not safe for you to express your emotions and hurt is something better to avoid or ignore.

The empowering part of learning HOW TO LOVE when you are hurt is the only healthy way to heal that hurt completely so it can go.

And you can feel a champion when you learn how to feel your hurt and how to ask for help or love.

I have worked with clients who have had decades (or a lifetime!) where they avoided their hurt and fear, but when they learn that it is possible to create a space of love - with you own version of a "higher power" - the shift is immense. Like somehow, they had this secret hero and champion for what they wanted in love and all they need do was connect to the feeling that it's OK to be hurt, vulnerable and there is an incredible strength in that authenticity and no-one can hurt when they own that.

The biggest joy I have had working with clients is watching them learn their unique and individual way of how to give themselves the space of love required to end the destructive cycle of thoughts and heal the hurt that stopped them from allowing love into their body again.

The negative cycle gets replaced by a different love of who you are that you might not have known before or you may have had glimpses of and with the sessions and practical exercises, they gets to see how powerful they can be.

The sessions open up that space of love within you and your body, so that you don't have to think about your feelings and you get to experience love that is permanent, and that lasts in your body. That experience of love in the body and the nervous system actually rewires the negative cycle in the emotional brain, until the clients can connect to their own joy, and the power of their unique personal love story.

I've been quoted as saying "the most important love story of all is yours".

Until you claim the way you want to love yourself, by being and feeling and experiencing that love in your body, you can't really experience the love you desire.

[Crazyharry]

I am impressed with the response and amount of work you put into my story. I hear you or I think I do but where do I begin? Did I mention I am a gay woman and this is a lesbian relationship? The reason I am mentioning it is that I have found this relationship extremely, extremly ‘edgy’. It can go from a highest to the very lowest in no time. At first I thought it must had been the cultural difference but then again... I really don’t know how a healthy, happy, loving relationship supposed to look like. There are so many opinions out there...
My parents separated when I was a kid and I have never had the good relationship figure. Someone said ‘you gotta love yourself first before being able to love someone else’. Well.... what if you never get to that point? Does that mean you never love anyone? I probably go too far and off the topic but my question now is how do I draw the line between healthy, good relationship and a toxic, unhealthy one?
THANK YOU.