Relationship maintenance

[Iluveu Puznd]

Hi everybody, I am in a relationship since more than three years now. More and more I get the feeling that we are not that close anymore. I do not know exactly why, but one thing I recognized. We always discuss topics which are not about our relationship but more about our lives beside it…work, sport etc. On one hand this is normal, but on the other hand I wish more communication about us as a couple. Do you feel sometimes the same in your relationship? What is your approach to maintain your relationship and keep you and your partner deeply connected?
Thank you.

[Sofia]

I believe that the reason we grow apart over time is that we don't allow ourselves to be real, to show up fully authentic. We usually don't allow our "negative" thoughts and feelings to be expressed on a consistent basis. Without a healthy outlet for our feelings, we store them in our emotional bodies, where over time irritation and frustration starts to build up. Instead of expressing what we feel in the moment, we swallow it down, because we are afraid to kill the "relationship harmony." This is really dangerous stuff, because if we are constantly seeking harmony at all costs, we are not being authentic. We are trying to manipulate reality. This denial of what is real can genuinely sabotage true love and lasting connection.

When did we get so afraid to speak our truth, to say no and to stand up for ourselves? For me, it was while growing up. I was so conditioned to always be the "good girl" that I never dared to express anger or to speak up to anyone. Over decades, I stored all my emotions inside my body, leading to severe auto-immune diseases and food additions. Don't you wish that somebody had told you at some point in your life that it's safe to get angry at times, and that no one will judge you for that? That you are still loved unconditionally even though you express your feelings in the moment? I wish. Because that would have prevented me from repetitively acting out my conditioned childhood patterns in intimate relationships.

During my week of primal therapy, I was for the first time encouraged to express rage and anger-in a safe and constructive way. What usually happens when we get angry is that we either let it out on our partners, yelling at them and blaming them for everything, or we stuff it down and distract ourselves with food or internet surfing so we don't have to feel. Either way is abusive, either to ourselves or our lovers. Fortunately, there is a third way that can be really healing and empowering. With that way, we don't have to shy away from being authentic. We show ourselves as we are in each moment. We show up fully, without hiding out of fear of being judged or rejected.

So what we do is that once we get triggered or angry about something, we can say to our partners: "Okay, stop, I need some time out, I just got really triggered here." Then you respectfully give each other some space, and you go and do whatever you need to do to express your primary feelings. (The primary feeling might be anger, but often we don't want to feel that so we cover is up with a secondary feeling which could come out as spitefulness or playing the victim. It is important that you get in touch with your primary feelings first.) If it is anger you are experiencing, get out into the forest and scream until there is nothing left of it inside, or hit some good old pillows.

Really own your anger. Ultimately, it has ultimately nothing to do with your partner, it's about you. They triggered something in you, but it is your pain you got in touch with. Most likely it is some primal pain or fear from your childhood that you connected to. Realising this is very empowering, since it reminds you of the fact that nobody can make you feel anything. Nobody can give you a feeling, they can only trigger things in us that are already existing.

Once you have released all that anger, feel the vulnerability you might get in touch with underneath. Maybe you just need to be still now and cry a bit. Maybe you want to be held. Now it is time to reconnect with your partner, if that's what feels right for you, and to ask if he wants to hold you. Let it be a request and not a demand. If he chooses not to, let that be okay as well. Really sense into your body how the energy has changed. How do you feel towards your beloved now? I always feel more connection and love with my partner than before the catharsis. Such powerful release is like a cleansing rain that washes off the old emotional dust so that the love of our true heart-core can shine through fully once again.

So if you want to feel deep heart connection, don't get stuck in the harmony trap by being afraid of anger and other strong emotions. Speaking from your heart and expressing what's true for you is the doorway to much deeper love and connection. We don't have to be fake to be accepted. We can relearn that it is safe to trust and open up by embracing what is really alive in us in every moment. Making ourselves vulnerable by not trying to hide the real you is the most irresistible thing you can do. Because it shows your man that you trust him. You trust him to love you through your anger, your emotions, your vulnerability, without judging or rejecting you. When that trust is given, a deeper space of awareness opens up in which your hearts can meet without shielding and protection. In that space, you can find a stronger sense of connection and intimacy than you ever thought was possible.

[Brett]

There are different elements that help build and support a shared meaning, all of which should be established and then built on over time. Read through each element and answer the questions after each section, making note of any thoughts that pop up you want to share with your lover.

Four Elements that Build a Shared Meaning and Purpose

Tip 1. Rituals of Connection
Tip 2. Shared Views
Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams
Tip 4. Shared Values

Tip 1. Rituals of Connection:

A ritual of connection refers to the small things you do as a couple or a family which build and strengthen the emotional and spiritual connections between you all.

Ask yourself these questions:
• How do you and your partner connect with each other?
• Have you developed your own family rituals?
This could be a special meal on the weekend such as a takeaway on a Saturday or Sunday roast or movie night every Friday.
• In what unique ways do you celebrate religious holidays?
• Do you have a ritual for love making?
• Do you dedicate a day or night per week for family or romance?

Many couples find love and connection flourishes when they have an intimate ritual to look forward to. The key here is to find something that you do together regularly that you can look forward to.

Answer the above questions and think about the rituals of connection you have: do they work for you? Could you improve them to increase your connection or create some new ones?

Tip 2. Shared Views:

Support for Each Other's Roles
When couples come to me a lot of the problems stem from the fall out of what they think their partner "should" be doing versus what they are actually doing. I often hear: "As a husband... " he "should" be doing this, fixing that, paying for this or giving me that. Similarly I hear it the other way round too: "A wife "should" look after the home, stay in with the family and contribute to the finances." The problem stems from the fact that these assumed roles are often never discussed so each person develops their own views on situations without taking the time to understand the perspective of their partner. This where resentment builds. The happiest couples agree on the roles they define for themselves and support each other with them. This is crucial as it helps to build a shared meaning.

Family and Parenting
Having similar views on parenting also adds to a strong sense of shared meaning, so does your views on the level of interaction you expect to have with your parents, siblings and cousins. For example, do you both consider extended family part of your daily family life or do you prefer distance and more of a nuclear family?

Work and Career
Even the views on what it means to work and the significance of work in your life is important to discuss. How much work is part of your life can be disputed, potentially causing friction, so having a shared outlook is crucial. Where you can talk about its importance in your life and share your experiences. Some individuals I work with get jealous and annoyed at their spouses involvement with work and staying late or socializing with colleagues on the weekends and this can cause tension for some couples. Compared to couples who agree that work comes first and encourage each other to be the best they can possibly be. Which couple are you?

The extent to which you feel similar about these issues, the stronger your marriage and connection becomes. This doesn't mean you need to agree on everything but often it's the couples that are more closely aligned in their views and approaches that are happier and more fulfilled.

What views do you share when it comes to living out your life? Are there any expectations that are a cause of frustration for you that you have not communicated? Could you benefit from some more support when it comes to your roles, family or career?

Tip 3. Shared Goals and Dreams:

Part of what creates a meaningful life are the goals that we strive to achieve. Many of us wouldn't be where we are today without setting goals and going for it. Without a direction we become aimless, lifeless even. Imagine a ship in the ocean that has no route to follow, directionless, it will float aimlessly and get nowhere. Marriages are the same. The goal of a relationship is not to get married and that's it. As with any area of life whether that be work, fitness or hobbies, having the next goal in mind ensures your progression, sense of purpose and prevents you from stagnating. Your marriage should be no different - you need positive goals for your shared time together.

Too often we don't talk about our deepest desires and sometimes we haven't even asked ourselves about what we want for our relationship, as we're too busy with life to notice. When we start to explore and define our shared goals we increase intimacy, meaning and purpose. When united by a goal, we can let arguments and differences go more easily.

What are some of your short-term and long-term goals for your marriage? List them and create some more joint ones.

Tip 4. Shared Values:

Like with shared views, having shared values also help marriages flourish.

Ask yourself these questions:

What do you value most about being a part of the family you belong to?
What family stories do you consider with pride?
What does home mean to you?
What activities or objects symbolize a meaningful and well-lived life to you?
What symbols or objects demonstrate who you are in the world?

Analyse what you and your spouse value most by answering these questions and list anything that comes up that matters to you most in life.

Now Create Your Shared Meaning

I have heard many different rituals, views, goals and values because every couple has their own story. Here are some shared meanings:

"to heal and have a peaceful existence" (after a difficult previous relationship and childhood)

"to create a family filled with laughter & love"

"to enjoy life to the max: travel, explore, adventure and excitement"

"to step into parents footsteps and care for the whole family and business"

"to give our children the best education and watch them flourish together"

"to have our dream home on the beach and retire (early) in luxury"

"to live God's mission together, wherever that may lead us"

"to set up our own business and leave a legacy"

Above all, it's important throughout your journey to remember one thing: this is your journey. I have offered examples of other couples shared meaning to show that every couple is different.

Share your dreams with your partner and list your one-, five- and ten-year goals and come up with some ideas for a shared meaning that is personal to you and your partner.

[Iluveu Puznd]

Thank you both for the valuable answers, I really appreciate it! They helped me a lot