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How can i trust him again

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  • How can i trust him again

    Hello! I'm in need of some advice or thougths about my current relationship sitaution because honestly idk what to do.

    So me and my bf has been together for about a year and a half now. and our relationship has been through a lot. Here is how it began:

    When me and him first started seing eachother he had broken up with his ex quite recently, which made me scared to start dating him. But he assured me he was over her and i believed him.

    But then after 2 months of dating this happened:
    - I found out he had been talking to his ex in secret on fb about missing eachother and stuff like that which broke my heart
    - After confronting him about it he told me he didnt know what he was going to do and that he was confused
    - So i broke it off and said that if i'm not your only choice I can't be with you.(even tho i had strong feelings for him already at this point)
    - Weeks went by and he started to text and call me, but i ignored him for a while
    - Then eventually i picked up and he wanted to meet. So we talked and he told me he had met up with his ex but that it was a mistake and that I was the one he loved but it took loosing me to realise it.
    - Then I took him back and decided to give him another chance.

    So yeah, this was last year. The problem is that after all of that happened I never really could trust him again. I have tried but he keeps doing these little things that make me suspicious of him. Like most men do, he likes to tell little white lies about stuff and when i bust him about it, it always turns into this huge fight because i want him to be only honest with me. He says he only lies because he's scared I will get angry about the truth. But honestly the truth never makes me as mad as him lying to me.


    His opinon on this is that i'm overreacting all the time, that the white lies isn't a big deal and that I should trust him.
    I know that sometimes I overreact but i feel like i can't help it. Him lying about his ex in the beginning really left a mark on me and has made me unwilling to trust. So what should I do? Leave him? Maybe I need to get help from a therapist? Idk




  • #2
    You may remember this hit single "War" from the 1970s with a little twist on the words.

    Trust! Huh! Yeah!

    What is it good for?

    Absolutely nothin'! Say it again

    This song came to mind when I thought about the word trust.

    Soon after coming out of an abusive marriage, I would be asked if I was dating again. I looked at that person as if they asked me to swallow a cup of live bees.

    How could I date again when I can't trust my own judgment?

    Have you been there in your own life?

    During my recovery from verbal abuse, I was on a mission to rebuild my self esteem. Every book I picked up talked about this foreign concept called trust.

    And how trust is so important to the healing process.

    "You just have to trust yourself." was the phrase I kept reading. My eyes would suddenly glaze over. All of a sudden I would hear the teacher on Charlie Brown talking "Wha ,wha, wha..." It just didn't compute. How do you trust yourself?

    Can you identify with this?

    Let me see if I understand this correctly.This book wants me to trust myself after I trusted an abusive person to love me. I trusted myself over and over again. The result: my mate verbally assaulted me and apologized on a daily basis. It seems as though trusting myself got me into this mess in the first place.

    How about you? In your abusive relationship, did you trust too much and pain was the result? Now you may have built up a wall closing off any possibility of trusting again. Protecting yourself from pain seems better than risking hurt.

    Then I discovered the truth that I want to share with you today.

    Your perception of trust wasn't broken.

    Love for yourself was broken.

    You trusted more in the other person rather than your gut feelings. Each time you quieted the whisper of God in your soul that something was wrong, a part of your sense of self died.

    Your need of approval overshadowed loving yourself. When you love yourself, trusting your decisions become easier.

    You can trust yourself. It's not too late. Why?

    Because you are worthy of what you desire in life. Every decision you make is part of the process of building your muscles of trust. Just as lack of exercise can lead to weaker muscles, years of negative words and doubt, led to weaker trust muscles.

    It's time for a trust building workout.

    This week consider making decisions and trusting your intentions rather than looking for a specific result. Many times we do things in order to get a result we have in mind.

    And when the result isn't what you wanted, you tell yourself that you "should" not have trusted yourself in the first place.

    Start small and concentrate on the intention. God knows your heart. He applauds your effort. Will you start to applaud your effort today? You deserve it.

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    • #3

      Trust is powerful. It's the backbone of a relationship. It takes time to build but can be taken down in an instant.

      Betrayal is the fastest and surest way to destroy trust. It only takes a second to find out if someone cheated on you. It only takes a second for someone to a make mistake. And it only takes a second to feel trust disappear.

      When trust is gone, is it gone forever?

      Sometimes it is...and there's not anything you can do about it. For some people, broken trust is can't be repaired. This is the consequence that cheaters must endure when they are unfaithful and then decide they don't want to leave the person they cheated on.

      Rebuilding Trust

      However, some people can rebuild trust. It's something about them that makes it possible for them to be able to continue with the same person despite how they have been betrayed before. It's something that they are able to confidently hold on to that allows them to move forward with the person as they rebuild trust in that person. What is it?

      Inner Trust

      People who are able to rebuild trust in someone who has betrayed them have the amazing ability to trust themselves. They trust that they will be able to know that they will know if their partner is cheating again and that if they do cheat again that they won't stand for it again.

      They know that everyone makes mistakes and that they will allow for the mistake. However, if the person makes the mistake again, and they will know it, they will walk this time. They trust that in themselves.

      See, while they don't trust their partner, they trust in themselves. They didn't betray themselves, they were betrayed.

      For those individuals who caught their cheater, catching the betrayal confirmed the fact that they can trust themselves in being able to know whether or not their partner will cheat. If you did it once, you'll do it again. Don't you worry, you're gut will tell he is cheating.


      How to Trust Him

      As you get through the infidelity recovery trusting yourself, you will start to trust him as his actions show you that you can trust him.

      Mistrust comes from pain and fear. As your pain subsides and his actions lower your fear, you will feel your comfort rise in him. This will develop your trust in him again.

      How Long It Takes to Trust Again

      This process is the one that takes the most time. The trusting in yourself doesn't take as much time. So that's the one you use in the beginning after you find out about about the infidelity. Wit these tips, you'll start to discover that you're feeling much more confident, trusting and stronger than you've ever felt before about your relationship.

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